Neil: Hey bro, free crackers. Want to spend your life opening lockers?
Garrett: You don’t have to raise your voice, I’m going as fast as can! Oh, great! Now I have these folders to deal with! Et tu, pencil? When it rains, it pours. *gasps* *screams* *runs into cafeteria* ASS CRACK BANDIT!
Raul: Raul Lopez, Las Noticias Hispanicas De Greendale. Will this affect soccer?
Dean Pelton: We did, in fact, receive a letter an hour after the incident including details not known to the public about the brand of Garrett’s underwear. Hanes his ways.
Britta: “I am the Ass Crack Bandit. Humans make better banks than piggies, whenever I get more change at the store, I can’t wait to drop it down your butts. I think I will go to the bank and get so much change and take all my dollars and make them into change and drop it all down there.”
Shirley: He should be called “the run-on sentence bandit.
He should be called “the run-on sentence bandit.
Dean Pelton: From this moment, people, we are at DEFCON 4 if that’s the highest DEFCON, and if high DEFCONs are worse than low ones. Ah, you all remember psychology Professor Duncan.
Jeff: Hey, buddy. Where’d you go?
Duncan: I was taking care of my sick mother. She’s still alive, but I’ve put in my time. Britta. *to Buzz Hickey* Oh, Pierce, good for you. I always thought that hairpiece was a bit cowardly.
Dean Pelton: Duncan is going to help us work up something called a “profile,” so we can root this student out.
Annie: For the record, I tried to get something done about this two years ago.
Dean Pelton: This is not about you, Annie. This is about the school. This is the biggest P.R. crisis to hit Greendale since we held that rally protesting the wrong Korea. Jeffrey, how can you help?
Jeff: I’ll take a look at the whole picture, see if any pieces match up.
Buzz: Will you stop with the cups and the blankets?
Abed: This is how they comfort victims in movies.
Dean Pelton: Okay, I am hereby banning change from this campus.
Buzz: You really think that’s an effective well, guess what, your two cents is change, and it’s banned.
Annie: Got something.
Buzz: Frankie, somebody get me a bag.
Dean Pelton: Oh, give me that. “I hope you enjoyed my work again. You can’t stop me, because what are you gonna do, not have butts?” Oof.
Annie: Dean, I think it’s a teacher.
Dean Pelton: I beg your what?
Annie: I have evidence that shows-
Dean Pelton: Yeah, and I have evidence that shows I’m not listening. Exhibit “A,” exhibit “B.” Lalalalalala.
Annie: *scoffs* This is never gonna end if you keep choosing politics over justice.
Dean Pelton: Okay, you want to make trouble? Go to Parker brothers. You’re out.
Neil: Real Neil here, five days into the return of the Ass Crack Bandit.Since we last spoke, three more victims have caught the quarter, with no end in sight. Here’s a song that’s been shooting up the request line faster than coins are dropping.
Britta: We know that he hates money or loves it or doesn’t care about money and hates butts or loves them.
Dean Pelton: Abed, you’re special. Can’t you just stand at the scene of the crime and see what happened?
Abed: Yeah. I see a man Using a social disorder as a procedural device. Wait, wait, wait, I see another man. Mildly autistic super detectives everywhere. Basic cable, broadcast networks. Pain. Painful writing. It hurts. *walks away*
Dean Pelton: Okay, ooh, LA LA. Hickey, what have you got?
Buzz: Heartburn. It doesn’t help me catch criminals.
Dean Pelton: Ha, what do you think?
Buzz: I think this is spending too much money on a crime that nets you 25¢ a pop.
Dean Pelton: Ah, no, no. This was free.
Buzz: Then I think you just admitted you already owned a fake butt.
Jeff: “I am the mad hatter, if hats were butts. I am neither left nor right. I am the space between. To me, you’re all like ants marching to class, freaks on parade.” I mean, why mix metaphors? Ants don’t have butts. Wait a minute.
Annie: Ants DO have butts.
Troy: So please, approve the Dean’s new security measure called “Troy’s law.” because a camera in the bathroom is better than a quarter in your butt.
Vicki: I got cracked!
Garrett: HE’S UNDER THE BLEACHERS!
Bublitz: If you’re going to confiscate this, know one thing. It’s a mild, kind sativa, perfect for playing guitar.
Dean Pelton: Destroying classrooms? Secretly investigating teachers behind my back?
Annie: Someone has to investigate the faculty, but you’re like a single-celled organism no nerve.
Dean Pelton: Annie, you’re suspended.
Annie: Wait, you can’t do that!
Dean Pelton: Don’t tell me what I can’t do. What do you think you are, Cosmo’s July quiz?
Jeff: She was trying to help you.
Dean Pelton: Let me ask you two something. Let me be, like, the 50th person at this school to ask, what is this, huh? What is this creepy business?
Dean Pelton: I think you two like to partner up on cutesy capers so you can hold hands in the dark and address your urges in semi-acceptable scenarios.
Jeff: Whoa, not cool!
Dean Pelton: You not cool! You unprofessional! I’m punishing you, Jeffrey. Starting next week, you are the new coach of the water polo team.
Dean Pelton: That’s right. Every morning, in the water *phone ringing* Mmm. Craig Pelton, Dean and assistant water polo coach.
ACB: This is the Ass Crack Bandit.
Dean Pelton: Uh *Snapping fingers*
ACB: I find it funny that you ever thought you could catch me.
Dean Pelton: Oh, that’s very interesting. Please continue.
ACB: I’ve enjoyed our game of cat and mouse. It’s funny how close your two little helpers came to catching me. I liked watching them run in circles. Although sometimes I wonder, are they chasing me as an excuse to get near each other? I mean, get a room already.
Jeff: We’re friends! Why don’t you tell us where you are, and we’ll discuss it?
ACB: I am the bringer of change. I am the filler of cracks.
Dean Pelton: Oh, that’s very interesting. I myself was in 4h. *click, dial tone* Oh! Trace the call, Rhonda! *snapping* This means trace the call!
Rhonda: Look at the extension.
Dean Pelton: 594, okay. Tracing Tracing. Got it, the stables! We have stables?
Jeff: Let’s go.
Dean Pelton: I don’t know. Add some doilies and a foot bath, and this is my mom’s house.
Starburns: Mush! Mush! Mush! Yah! Mush! No, run. Mush! Mush!
Starburns: *sighs* *Cats meowing*
Dean Pelton: Since faking his death to escape meth charges, Alex “Starburns” Osbourne has been living in the stables, eating garbage, and trying to build a cat car. He’s also confessed to dropping coins down exposed butt cracks. Case closed.
*Troy slaps Star-burns*
Dean Pelton: So much pain. But now it’s time to heal! You’re all invited to the official “We caught the Ass Crack Bandit” dance tonight in the cafeteria!
Jeff: Annie, I took this case because I wanted to help you.
Annie: Then what is this?
Jeff: It’s platonic shoulder holding. Look. Leonard, hello, how are you?
Annie: It’s a guy who puts quarters down butt cracks, Jeff. Let’s just let it go. *Jeff walks away* *sighs*
Leonard: We can do better.
Starburns: Aah! Change is money! What are you guys, millionaires?
Starburns: Bum bum bum I’ve heard this song before. Hey, Winger, who is this?
Jeff: What are you talking about? You don’t know who this is?
Starburns: I remember it from the ’90s. Hee haw haw haw hee haw haw
Jeff: It’s Dave.
Starburns: Lee Roth?
Jeff: You’re not the Ass Crack Bandit.
Starburns: Shh! Keep it down, huh? I made a deal with the Dean. He said as long as I confessed, he’d let me slide on the meth stuff, and then he’d buy me a space heater for my stable.
Jeff: Yeah, but why call the Dean and pretend that-
Starburns: I didn’t call no Dean. I don’t call nobody don’t call me.
Duncan: Oh, bloody hell, my shoe is untied by British standards. Here we go. One bunny, two bunnies. Oh! Get Britta! *people screaming*
Jeff: Annie! Did Duncan get cracked?
Annie: Where’s the bandit? Do you see him?
Jeff: Over there!
Annie: Come on, let’s get him!
Jeff: Shirley, what are you doing?
Shirley: Looking for you.
Annie: Did you see someone come this way?
Shirley: Jeff, Annie, Pierce is dead.
Neil *over radio*: Tonight’s celebration was cut short by some tragic news. Pierce Hawthorne, 14-year Greendale student, entrepreneur, and expert heart attack faker, has passed away, for real this time. Pierce had been recently banned from campus, but not from our hearts. He’s survived by many ex-wives and all of us here at Greendale that called him friend. If you’re listening, Pierce, you were a hell of a d&d player. It’s time to level up. Up next on the dial is Dr. farts.
Annie: I can’t believe Pierce is gone.
Jeff: Yeah. Life is weird. It’s a container for all this little stuff, and you get caught up in it. And then, the container just Pbbt.
Annie: That hallway led to a dead end, we might’ve had him. I should get home, haven’t slept. The case goes cold again.
Jeff: Don’t worry. I got a feeling he’ll be back.
Annie: Or her.
Starburns: You know, climate change is threatening our world, but there is a solution: The cat car, the world’s first animal-powered vehicle. My original prototype was hunger-based. But sometimes, cats aren’t hungry. My new model will use a rear-fixed dog system. But dogs cost money, your money. By donating to this project, you’ll be like an investor, except without taking all my profits. Donate $5, and you get a thank-you email. $50 gets you a t-shirt. $100 gets you a t-shirts and a thank-you email. *cat meows* All aboard the cat car, and all aboard helping our nation’s global warming.