Jeff: Oh look, a Human Being has a little human with it. How bloodcurdlingly adorable.
Slater: Jeff, we need to talk.
Jeff: What’s wrong, are you breaking up with me?
Slater: Oh, heh-heh, maybe we don’t need to talk.
Abed: I hope they’re not twins; twins freak me out, they always know what the other one is…
Abed: Yeah, and they’re always finishing each others…
Abed: It’s creepy.
Abed: My dad’s bringing my cousin Abra, she’s visiting from gaza.
Annie: Does she look just like you, but with a wig and lipstick
Abed: No, that’s Halle Berry.
Troy: I can’t believe my Grandma’s rollin’ her old bones down here, I gotta pick a cabinet to hide in.
Britta: You hide from her?
Troy: Yeah, she’s crazy.
Britta: Troy, society programs us to dispose of the elderly because they don’t work or buy things. But don’t be blind to your grandmother’s value, you need to cherish her.
Troy: You cherish her.
Britta: I’m sure I will, you know she’s not going to be around forever.
Troy: I wanna believe you’re right Britta, but you never quite are, are you?
Jeff: Sorry I’m late.
Shirley: Was somebody canoodling with a certain professor?
Jeff: Actually, no. She dumped me.
Shirley: Oh, no! That’s so sad. I’ll give Jeff a shoulder to cry on, and you boys go put a dead bird in that bitch’s glove compartment.
Shirley: You’re like the Bootynator. You know the Bootynator, like ‘I’ll be back’ but with booty.
Troy: Why would the Bootynator be back with booty, wouldn’t he just try and kill it?
Abed: Maybe he kills it and then brings it back as a trophy
Annie: Why would he want dead booty?
Troy: I want pirate’s booty.
Abed: Because you’re hungry?
Jeff: Guys – I’ll be back…but with booty.
Jeff: *sighs* I’m back.
Abed: Without booty.
Annie: Now I feel sorry for you.
Pierce: She’s going to photography school.
Jeff: Oh, that sounds interesting.
Pierce: Keep it in your pants, Winger. You’re embarrassing yourself. She may be hot, but she’s my princess.
Amber *with Pierce trying to block Jeff’s view*: Step princess.
Senor Chang: Wow, I can’t believe Star-Burns ISN’T a virgin, but judging from that Bluetooth headset, his son is, cha-chang!
Troy: Where’s your family, El Tigre?
Senor Chang: Ugh, my older brother will be at the barbeque. And it’s none of your business, but I ate my twin in utero.
Senor Chang: Hey, Phantom Menace, how’s the trade embargo with the Naboo? Anyway, oh, looks like Pierce broke the piggy bank at the escort service this time.
Pierce: Hey, duck sauce that was rude, the call girls I frequent are not nearly as attractive as my daughter.
Amber: Stepdaughter. Technically, ex-stepdaughter.
Pierce: Cards on the table, Jeff. Amber’s the best shot I’ll ever have at something like a real daughter, and I’m striking out.
Jeff: Have you told her she’s prettier than a hooker?
Jeff: You want me to wingman you, with your ex-stepdaughter?
Annie: How much effort do I rate?
Jeff: For you, um, I’d break a light sweat.
Annie: Good, I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?
Jeff: You’re becoming dangerous Annie, it’s those doe eyes. Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain
Britta: Is this Nana Barnes? Troy didn’t mention you were such a knockout.
Nana: What’s that supposed to mean?
Britta: Oh, come on. I’m sure you’ve broken a few hearts in your time.
Nana: Oh. Tell me, how many men do you think I’ve laid with?
*Britta’s eyes go wide*
Nana: Who are you?
Britta: I am Britta, and I have offended you, and I am sorry. Is there anything I can get you?
Nana: Yes. You can get me a switch.
Britta: A what now?
Troy: She’s not family Nana, you can’t make her get a switch.
Britta: She can make me get it, I just have to know what it is.
Troy: A switch is a stick she can use to whoop you with. Cherish, Britta. Cherish.
Dean Pelton: Well, it was wonderful meeting your brother. Adios, Senor Chang, Shalom, Rabbi Chang. And to both of you, sayonara. Right?
Senor Chang: Don’t go.
Rabbi Chang: Senor Chang? Ben, do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?
Senor Chang: Okay, that is who I am. So drop it!
Rabbi Chang: Dropping. I’m dropping!
Shirley: That sounds heated. Did she call him a pig’s anus or something?
Abed: She’s saying she’s old enough to jump in a giant balloon. She’s saying he’s overprotective. Now she says he’s a pig anus.
Shirley: Mm, that fight made me crave a hot dog.
Gubi: I have to go back to my car and get my emergency shirt, and I don’t even like that shirt.
Troy: Whatcha doin’?
Britta: Getting Nana a switch.
Troy: Britta, stop pretending that my mean old Nana is awesome.
Britta: I’m not pretending. I think it’s cool that she’s got her own style of discipline, Nana’s old school.
Troy: Yeah, my mom told me there would be white people that did this. With pocket watches, and coffee grinders, And pretending to be into steam boats. But let’s get this straight. This is real life, my Nana’s gonna whup you.
Britta: Not unless I find her a switch, how about this?
Troy: Yeah that’s a great switch Britta, very hip, should hurt a lot.
Gubi: Fine. Now I’m the napkin man.
Pierce: Circle! Circle with a squiggly line! Squiggly line circle, you did hear me say circle? Smiling sideways vagina.
Pierce: HAPPY sideways vagina.
Jeff: Happy face?
Jeff: And that’s a clam? As happy as a clam.
Pierce: As happy as clam? What a…gay guess. Idiot.
Rabbi Chang: What are you drawing?
Pierce: You’re supposed to know, stupid!
Cop: And I may just be a simple cop, but people need to know. This isn’t gonna stop until Pictionary bans the word “windmill.”
Jeff: Pierce, we’ll meet you at the gala. We’re gonna go get some coffee.
Pierce: Is “coffee” code for sex?
Officer Cackowski: Is it?
Jeff + Amber: No.
Britta: Nana, here’s your switch.
Nana: Bring it here. Oh, I’ll make do.
Britta: Okay. *puts her hand out* Let me have it.
Nana: I ain’t no nun, bend over! Drop you pants and get over my lap!
Troy: All you have to do is walk away.
Troy *crying*: I don’t understand you, Britta! I don’t understand you at all!
Troy: She’s had enough! She’s had enough!
Troy: Pretty rough, huh?
Britta: Mm, you were right. Nana’s a monster.
Nana: What did you say?
Britta: I said you were a monster, ma’am.
Nana: And you said Troy was right. Get me a switch.
Jeff: Pierce. Who did you call last week after you farted on Vaughn?
Jeff: And who did abed call after that squirrel stole his hot dog?
Jeff: That’s sharing your life. If you have friends, you have family.
Pierce: Jeffrey. Aw, come here, son.
Jeff: Are we hugging or dancing?
Pierce: You know, if the roles were reversed, I would’ve had sex with your ex-stepdaughter.
Jeff: I did.
Pierce: Chip off the old block. It was either that or deal with your actual pain.
Jeff: What pain?
Pierce: Twelve o’clock.
Jeff: Oh, are you kidding me? I-*starts crying*
Pierce: It’s okay, it’s okay. Let it out.
Jeff *crying*: We always used to watch the shows she wanted to watch! I hate Glee!
Pierce: I’m not crazy about Glee either.
Jeff *crying*: I hate it, I don’t understand the appeal at all.
Troy: Why did we do this again?
Abed: We thought it looked fun. Is your cell phone in your pocket?
Troy: Yeah, but I can’t reach it. I can only move my right arm.
Abed: Okay, there’s money already in there. Slide your arm through that bottom slot, and press the buttons G-14. When the snack is selected, the mechanical lever that’s holding it will be thrust forward. Thereby knocking your cell phone out of your pocket, and into the receptacle below, where you can pick it up and call for help.
Troy: Here we go.
Troy: I think I hit G-13.