Dean Pelton: It’s valentine’s week. When the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But remember, cupid’s face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind But also dizzy and a little belligerent.
Slater: I’m chaperoning tomorrow’s dance, you should come. Maybe your study buds will go. What’s the blonde’s name, Bitter, Butter, Beetlejuice?
Jeff: Britta. Yeah. She says valentine’s day ritualizes a connection Between affection and candy so girls can learn the ropes of prostitution.
Slater: Translation: No date.
Jeff’s Phone: Jeff, it’s the registrar’s office. Seems you were wrong about paying tuition With airline miles, we’re gonna need a check- *female voice* Message deleted.
Britta *drunk voice message*: Jeff Winger, I am calling you…You’re probably…whatever, so…WHZZUP?
Annie: Oh, it’s the Cupid Being.
Jeff: Now it has arrows, that’s safe.
Abed: Another muffin basket from another actress Who wants to be in my next film.
Jeff: Does that work?
Abed: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Oh, that’s sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds *WAY* more like sarcasm. Inflection is *SO* interesting.
Britta: Oh good now it has arrows, that’s safe.
Jeff: Can I get you something? Water? Smelling salts? An alibi for Cobain’s suicide?
Britta: No, but you can help yourself to a shorter forehead, a non-Keebler nose, and shutting up.
Jeff: Hm, that stings. I mean, not the words, the clouds of Bourbon vapor forming them.
Britta: A girlfriend from my anarchist days was in town, we drank…everything.
Jeff: Yeah, and then you said “I should call Jeff.”
Britta: Yeah, cause the first thing I do when I’m having fun is think about *Jeff’s Phone* Jeff Winger, I am calling you…You’re probably…whatever, so…WHZZUP?
Jeff: The drunk dial, so much subtext, so much intrigue, so much of what the kids are calling “BCI.” That’s uh, Booty Call Implication. Heh Heh Hahahahahaha.
Abed: You shifted the balance like in a sitcom when one character sees another one naked.
Jeff: Is that really a sitcom staple?
Abed: No, I have NO idea what I’m talking about, I’m Abed I NEVER watch TV!
Senor Chang: Beep, beep. Oh, my god, what’s going on? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. My bullcrap meter’s going crazy. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep– Oh-ho! It’s these presents you’ve obviously sent to yourselves To make it look like you have girlfriends.
Pierce: That’s ridiculous.
Senor Chang: This is obviously your handwriting, Mr. Tremor. And yours is signed, “Love, Troy.” I tell you, this is the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen in the classroom.
Abed: One Papa John’s commercial and he thinks he’s Christian Bale.
Abed: Kid’s gonna be a star, he’s a young “the Asian guy from Lost.”
Jeff *acting drunk*: Hey Britta, your call got me thinkin’, and thinkin’ got me drinkin’.
Abed: Do you like Britta?
Jeff: Sure, who doesn’t?
Abed: Over half the people that meet her. They can be put off by her vacuous mannequin face, and her Jodie Foster severity.
Jeff: She has more fights about stuff that doesn’t matter than a YouTube comment section.
Jeff: I thought you never drank.
Abed: Scorsese drank with De Niro.
Senor Chang: Whoa, looks like the law firm of Seacrest and Slumdog’s takin’ the day off.
Senor Chang: As punishment because you two obviously don’t have any girlfriends, escort me to the Valentine’s dance wearing elegant ladies’ pantsuits
Troy: Eh heh heh, yeah right.
Senor Chang: Eh heh heh heh, you’ll do it or you’ll fail my class.
Pierce: You can’t do that.
Senor Chang: Have you met me!? I mean it, tonight you are my bitches.
Jeff: It’s 3 o’clock, what happened?
Abed: The last thing I remember is you were dancing like that girl, in that movie…Kids in detention?
Jeff: Breakfast Club.
Abed: Dear God, what have you done to me?
Abed: I don’t remember the name of the girl in The Breakfast Club, Mary, Margaret, Molly Ringworm. You broke me.
Annie: Women’s sizes run smaller. I’m sure you’re a 12 everywhere that it counts.
Pierce: Well, I’ll take every little victory I can get right now.
Britta: Hmm. You look about ready to marry Courtney Love.
Jeff: That’s the reverse of my zinger from before.
Abed: Okay, please stop shouting, all right? I feel like that person in the TV show.
Britta: Do you remember calling me last night?
Jeff: Yeah. Why? Are we cool?
Britta: Oh, yeah. Have a seat, Drunky Brewster. Let’s study.
Jeff: Balance restored, I guess.
Abed: Movie reference.
Pierce: Remember what we said.
Troy: Never let him see us cry.
Pierce: Right. Okay. One, two-
Shirley: Keep your coats on.
Annie: We’re the ones that sent the letter to Chang.
Troy: What? You work–you work at Princeton?
Shirley: We were mad at him for humiliating you.
Pierce: Well, nice fix, Tweedledum and even tweedlerdum.
Senor Chang: Woo, ladies! Get in my Mercedes.
Troy: Um, what the hell is this?
Senor Chang: We’re going to get frozen yogurt.
Pierce *getting on Chang’s scooter*]: I’m not gay man, they close in seven minutes.
Troy: I could have driven you.
Chang: You said he hated froyo.
Pierce: Just drive!
*Chang and Pierce drive away*