Pierce: Now I have to start the joke all over again. Okay, so this-
Britta: No! *slams hands on the table* I’ve got one for you. A doddering old fool walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke, and I crush his windpipe with my 3-ring binder.
Shirley: *giggles* … I don’t get it.
Jeff: Britta’s trying to give up cigarettes.
Britta: Don’t tell them my business! I will slap that smug look right off your pointy face.
Jeff: Britta, I’m saying this because I care about you and you’re my friend. You need to start smoking again.
Pierce: Have you thought about hypnotherapy? I know a dynamite hypnotherapist.
Jeff: Ten to one says it’s him.
Pierce: His name is Pierce Hawthorn, and I’m very effective.
Jeff: Can you help me block out people’s voices I find extremely annoying?
Pierce: Jeff, she’s right there.
Britta: Pierce, I would be grateful for your help.
Pierce: You would? Super! I’ll set it up.
Britta *whispering*: What? I feel bad for him. Plus, I just yelled at him.
Jeff: You yelled at me, too.
Britta: Oh, did I hurt your feelings, pointy face?
Jeff: Wow. Wow.
Troy: This is wrinkling my brain.
Abed’s Troy: This is wrinkling my brain.
Troy: *That’s* wrinkling my brain!
Abed’s Pierce: Get a load of these wrinkles.
Pierce: Heh, heh. Who’s that old guy?
Abed’s Pierce: Hi, I’m Pierce Hawthorne.
Pierce: Oh, come on!
Prof. Whitman: Jeffrey, as debate coach, I am offering you an opportunity to spend the night drinking from the cup of life rather than romancing your nether regions in front of the E! channel.
Dean Pelton: Listen, jerk wad! Oh, I-I’m sorry. That got heated. Greendale needs a win. The best compliment our sports program gets is that our basketball team is really gay. So, what’s it gonna take? A plum parking space, free meals, a night of companionship, if you know what I mean?
Jeff: I’ll do it for the parking space and if you promise not to tell mean what you mean.
Pierce: And when you feel the desire To light up a cigarette, You will associate these urges With things in your life that disgust you. Bad-tasting food. Sex with men. Wearing attractive clothing. And soon *falls over* Oh, god, I think I really hurt myself! Somebody help me. Oh, Britta, wake up! Why’d I put you under so well? Damn my talent!
Abed: I know you guys all so well I can predict your behavior. Like Shirley, I know you’re a sweet, Christian, generous person.
Both: Oh, that’s nice.
Abed: I also know you have thinly veiled rage issues.
Both: Careful, boy.
Troy: Why am I crying? Will I accidentally listen to come sail away by Styx again?
Prof. Whitman: A little trick for achieving the proper competitive mindset: I always envision my opponent having aggressive sex with my mother.
Prof. Whitman: By Zeus, what sort of jackassery is this? We’re in the middle of a championship debate.
Annie: Maybe Simmons is right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. You probably couldn’t beat him if you tried.
Jeff: What do you mean I can’t beat him? You and I are gonna study harder than we’ve ever studied before And beat City College tomorrow.
Jeff: No. Who am I, iCarly?
Troy *crying*: I liked you better when you were smoking.
Britta: I’m so sorry.
Troy *crying*: No, you’re right. My feet are long and stupid, you can’t unring that bell.
Abed: That’s my newspaper.
Shirley: What do you need the paper for? You knew what was going to happen yesterday, you Middle Eastern magic 8-ball.
Jeff: You know, maybe we should study alone.
Annie: Uh-huh. That way we can be more reproductive–productive!
Annie: Oh, you forgot your phone.
Jeff: Oh, i can get another one.
Pierce *during Britta’s hypnosis*: The next time you even see a cigarette, you will think of things that disgust you. *sees Britta’s eyes open* And wile you’re under so deep, you’ll find yourself attracted to… slightly older men. Perhaps some barrel-chested stud with just enough tummy to love. You’ll want to buy him dinner, then go back to his hot tub. Perhaps you’ll invite one of your friends to join us for a three-way. Maybe someone with low self-esteem and slightly larger breasts.
Britta: Go to hell, you disgusting pig.
Britta: Pierce, I was awake the whole time. I was faking it.
Pierce: I know, I saw you. What do you think I am, some kind of joke?
Britta: No. No, I was trying to make you feel better about yourself.
Pierce: How dare you pity me. I may be a little older, my ideas may seen weird, my fashion sense may cause envy. But I have a lot to offer, and I will not be pitied. *trips and falls* Do not help me up!
Pierce: Wow, this is a real barn burner. Oh, god. Did I just say cross-burner?
Shirley: No, you did not.
Pierce: Oh, good.
Annie: We make an amazing team.
Jeff: I know, we’re so in sync, we’re like a perfect duet or great se-hey Professor Whitman.
Prof. Whitman: Jeffrey, your preparation was impeccable. You remind me of a young me, with slightly worse hair.
Jeremy Simmons *after he propels himself from his wheelchair and Jeff catches him*: He hates me, yet he caught me. Man is good.
*Annie kisses Jeff, who then drops Simmons*
Annie: He was horny, so he dropped him. Man is evil.
Troy: Simmons got robbed.
Shirley: They kissed, you do have powers. I’m gonna die by werewolf.
Abed: Shirley, I don’t have powers. Trust me. In my next film we discover that Pierce is an actual genius.
Shirley: That’s not gonna happen.
Abed: No, it’s not.
Britta: Pierce, I can’t smoke a cigarette without thinking of a three-way in your hot tub. You did it.
Pierce: Yes. I did?
Britta: You’re a genius.
Pierce: Who’s the third?
Dean Pelton: You did great in there.
Prof. Whitman: Let’s take this bacchanalia outside, full moon tonight.
Abed: Shirley. Shirley!