Pierce: As far as I’m concerned, there’s only one black hole worth studying. *Shirley gives him a dirty look* It’s called Sagittarius A, it’s located in the center of our galaxy, and it has the density of 40 suns.
Just like my weiner.
Troy: Ha ha, you said weiner. That’s funny.
Abed: Pierce and Troy didn’t get along at first, but now they’re bonding through mutual adolescence.
Pierce and Troy:
Will you shut up, poo-poo head.
Shut up, fart head.
Dean Pelton: Well look at this group having some of meeting and being so diverse. There is just, boy! There is just one of every kind of you, isn’t there?
Pierce: Well, we are missing a pipsqueak, but we don’t want one, so beat it!
Britta: Um, Pierce, that’s the dean.
Dean Pelton: Troy, did you know Greendale has a football team?
Jeff: Did you know they had a football?
Dean Pelton: Ha. That’s very funny. troy, I was so sorry to hear about your injury. But now that you have recovered, we would love for you to play for the Human Beings.
Shirley: The team’s name is the human beings?
Dean Pelton: Yeah. my idea. It was the Greendale Grizzlies, but I thought that, um. *softly* Well, a lot of these students have been called animals their whole lives. Unfortunately, i don’t know what to do about the mascot.
Pierce: Oh, I can help you with that, your honor. I have a wealth of experience in image management, icon development, and Y2K preparedness.
Jeff: Dean. I’m sure Troy will sign up for football if and when some accident damages the part of his brain that feels pride.
Shirley: Yes, but I need to go to the bathroom first, Britta?
Britta: Oh, no, I don’t have to go
Annie: I’ll go with you.
Britta: What, she’s offended?
Jeff: Girls go in groups, did you learn nothing from stand up comedy in the nineties?
Britta: I’m willing to try some more mainstream feminine stuff.
Jeff: Well, then you should know that nothing says “I’m a woman” like doing it with me.
Britta: Nothing says “I’m a pig” like you.
Abed: Will they or won’t they? Sexual tension
Jeff: Abed, it make the group uncomfortable when you talk about the group like we’re characters in a show you’re watching.
Abed: Well, that’s sort of my gimmick, but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.
Britta: Here’s something I think might be fun. let’s find out the number of makeup companies that are owned by women.
I’ll save you the trouble. it’s zero. But of course you’re saying, “Britta, aren’t you a hypocrite? You’re plastered with glitter and goo from head to toe, just like the rest of us.” Well, I also pay income tax and pull over for cops, but that doesn’t mean I *Shirley turns on hand dryer* support a country that oppresses its citizens, restricts voting rights-
Dean Pelton: Our symbol needs to reflect the diversity of our school, and our species.
Pierce: So, black?
Dean Pelton: I think if you said “jump,” he’d say, “how high?” If you said, “stop,” he’d say, “hammertime.” You starting to get what I mean?
Jeff: No, I need another example.
Dean Pelton: You know, i didn’t realize before, but we should send those out to local businesses. Hmm? Law firms. Lawyer companies? Legal gatherings?
Jeff: Are you trying to blackmail me?
Dean Pelton: I think so.
Pierce: Gentlemen. I present to you, the Greendale Human Being.
Jeff: That’s a falcon with a gun.
*Pierce turns it counter-clockwise*
Jeff: Now it’s a falcon with an erection.
Troy: I miss knowing what to think.
Jeff: You still know what to think, Troy.
Troy: Oh, good.
Jeff: For instance, after the dean talked to you about football. You and I were thinking the same thing.
Troy: That dude looks like Moby.
Jeff: You’d be surprised at how many of your favorite football players got started at community college.
Troy: Really? Name one.
Jeff: Who’s your favorite player?
Troy: Me. Whoa.
Jeff: I’m saying you’re a football player, it’s in your blood.
Troy: That’s racist.
Jeff: Your soul?
Troy: That’s racist
Jeff: Your eyes?
Troy: That’s gay.
Jeff: That’s homophobic.
Troy: That’s black.
Jeff: That’s racist!
Troy: Is that linebacker a pregnant woman?
Jeff: Look, you can meet them later, but this decision has to be yours, T-Bone. And this decision has to be yes.
Troy: How did you know my nickname was T-Bone?
Jeff: Because you’re a football player. And your name begins with “T.” Your name. Begins. With “T.”
Troy: Hip hop, body don’t stop, Riverside got the broom don’t need a mop. Put your team in a box put a ribbon on top we’re not John Kerry ’cause we don’t flip flop.
Annie: Troy, why are you doing our politically conservative high school’s shamefully outdated fight rap? Have you been playing football?
Troy: Threw the skin around a couple of times. I still got it, Uhn, uhn, uhn, Doosh! Uhn.
Annie: But, you knew we had an astronomy test tomorrow.
Troy: Class blows. What I need to know about the universe, is that I’m at the center of it.
Troy: Ohhhhhh bing, bong, sing along, your team’s Al Gore ’cause your views are wrong.
Annie: Troy! Stop! Don’t become this person again, this isn’t the real you. This is the arrogant jock that totally ignored the only people that truly liked him for non-superficial reasons but weren’t allowed to say anything because their parents are bigots!
Annie: Football is bad for you, Troy.
Troy: Jeff said you’d say that.
Annie: Jeff, what now?
Pierce: See, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we’re staying away from. Pan-Asian eye folds, uh, Irish chins, women’s breasts.
Jeff: Is that Seal?
Dean Pelton: Oh, that is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal’s teeth.
Pierce: What do you think?
Jeff: I think not being racist, is the new racism.
Dean Pelton: And things are finally going to start turning around. Oh, and my ex-therapist is gonna think twice before he makes fun of my job!
Pierce: Oh, dean, I’m gonna get some more coffee. You want anything?
Dean Pelton: Oh, yeah, a Desmond Tutu with just enough cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.
Pierce: La Bamba, got it.
Annie: Aha! I’ve been following you, how much did the dean pay you to get Troy to play football?
Jeff: I’m not having a conversation with someone who emerges from a bush.
Annie: Because I’m right?
Jeff: No, because I’m not in a commercial for a breakfast cereal
Jeff: Because really, you’re just as selfish as I am. You’re just not as good at it yet.
Annie: You’re right. I could never be as good as you. Probably because I actually care.
Jeff: Profound, but technically meaningless. And don’t bother trying that thing women do where they walk away and make the guy feel like crap, because it won’t happen. Yeah…Damn it.
Troy: Greendale, we’re number one! Nancy Pelosi is no fun!
Abed: Attention students, this is Abed.
Troy: And the disco spider.
Abed: Here at Greendale.
Both: Say whaaaaaaat?
Abed: A few quick announcements. Announcement number one. All announcements will be cool, starting right now.
Troy: Announcement number two, butt soup.
Abed: Announcement number three. I am not Hadji from Johnny Quest, Jeff Winger.
Troy: On security news, you guys gonna start locking the dean’s door so guys like us don’t get in.
*two security guards that look like Troy and Abed bust in, Abed and Other Abed raise their hands at the same time*