Britta: Oh, great, so much for baggels.
Jeff: So much for what?
Britta: The baggels, you dropped them on the floor.
Troy: Uh, they’re called bagels.
Britta: Uh, I lived in New York Troy, I know what a baggle is.
Pierce: What the hell is wrong with you?
Shirley: You say bagel wrong.
Britta: I say it the same as you.
Annie: Say it again.
Shirley: Oh, it’s a drawing of Abed with hearts all around it. Strictly speaking Troy, the bible condemns this level of friendship.
Senor Chang: Adios!
Senor Chang: Adios.
Senor Chang: Adios.
Senor Chang: Guys! Class is over, I’m trying to get you to leave.
Shirley: Senor Chang, we’re trying to figure out who’s Spanish book this was before Troy’s.
Senor Chang: *Looks over book, puts it to his forehead and mumbles as he strokes a fake beard* Jenny Adams.
Pierce: Oh come on, if all Chinese were psychic you would’ve started using birth control centuries ago.
Senor Chang: Her name’s in the front of the book, morons.
Shirley: Yay, he’s right.
Senor Chang: Them I understand, but how did you not think of that?
Annie: I may have been thrown off by Britta’s pronunciation of the word “bagel.”
Senor Chang: How do you pronounce “bagel”?
Britta: I don’t.
Senor Chang: Come on.
Senor Chang: Ugh. You’re the worst.
Troy: So, we have a name. Jenny Adams.
Pierce: See, it’s a fat girl’s name. Might as well be Gravy Jones.
Troy: Abed, for guys like you, this kind of opportunity only comes around Once in a li-While.
Pierce: It’s important to date in college, Abed. It’s a time of freedom and exploration. A time when a simple pillow fight Between two innocent girls could turn into a steamy night Of unbridled lust. Britta knows all about it.
Abed: So you guys are going to “Can’t Buy Me Love” me.
Britta: We’re gonna what you?
Abed: You’re gonna “Can’t Buy Me Love” me. You know, transform me from zero to hero, geek to chic.
Troy: Oh, he wants us to “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” him.
Troy: “Can’t Buy Me Love” was the remake for white audiences.
Shirley: That’s so uncomfortable when they do that, I can’t believe it doesn’t insult them.
Pierce: Sure glad there are no old people here, this conversion would probably be total gibberish to them.
Britta: Jeff’s unprecedentedly right about this.
Britta: Abed, when we find this girl, you’re gonna approach her just the way you are. Because that’s good enough.
Jeff: Yeah, and then you can take her to a nice deli, and treat her to a baggle.
*everyone laughs at Britta*
Leonard: Heh. You’re going to look like an ass in those.
Jeff: Shut up Leonard, I talked to your son on Family Day. I know all about your gambling.
Troy: What are you doing?
Abed: I’m being myself.
Troy: Go be yourself by Jenny.
Abed: But I wouldn’t go over there.
Pierce: How do you know that?
Abed: A lifetime of observation mostly.
Pierce: All right, if this is going to turn ugly I can’t be here, I’m a two-striker.
Coach Bogner: OK, I want everybody to know what’s going on here. This HIPSTER is droppin’ this class because he cares more about what he looks like, than how he’s playing.
Coach Bogner: Vanity thy name is…his name…it’s the first day I didn’t catch it.
Pierce: Good grief! Clear the chickens off the runway. I’ll be the bad guy. Yes, Abed. You need to be someone else. Someone who eventually gets a girlfriend. Because I can’t think of anything more frightening than a half-Polish half-Arab virgin in his thirties. One way or the other, that story ends with an explosion.
Troy: Let’s try a practice run. All right, Annie, you sit here, okay, and be a girl.
Abed: Hmm. What are you reading?
Annie: Pride and prejudice.
Abed: So you’re familiar with two sins, how about a third?
Annie: I don’t think we’re allowed to smoke in here.
Abed: Then you picked the wrong outfit, didn’t you?
*Abed moves in for a kiss*
Shirley: Abed, what are you doing?
Abed: Don Draper from “Mad Men”. What’d you think?
Pierce: Put your tongue in her ear.
Annie: I liked it.
Shirley: Don’t be him, he cheats on his wife.
Britta: Don’t be Mike Brady, Mike Brady’s not sexy. You should be like Jo from Facts of Life…but you know, the dude version.
Pierce: I knew it!
Troy: You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it.
Pierce: Calvin Coolidge?
Jeff: What are you guys doing?
Abed: They’re teaching me how to be someone else.
Jeff: Oh, for God’s sake what did I tell you guys?
Abed: Oh, for God’s sakes, everybody do what ever you want, leave each other alone.
Troy: Whoa! That’s a good Jeff, how’d you do that?
Abed: 10% Dick Van Dyke, 20% Sam Malone, 40% Zach Braff from Scrubs, and 30% Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry.
Jeff: Zach Braff?
Britta: Abed what if you just did Jeff for Jenny?
Abed: Uh, and you point is?
Jeff: Look, I don’t want any part of this, and I can’t believe that you’re still doing it after I already explained the obvious lesson smacking you in the face.
Troy: Hey, why aren’t you in billiards class?
Jeff: Because I don’t look cool in shorts! *knocks stuff over and storms out*
Abed: Cause I’m not cool in shorts!
Abed: I don’t want to spoil the ending, but, uh, Pride ends up with prejudice.
Jenny: That’s funny.
Abed: I know. Stick with me and you get a laugh or two. That’s the Abed guarantee.
Jenny: I feel like I’ve seen you before.
Abed: I get that a lot, from art students. I’m told I have a face made for sketching, I’d rather think it was made for kissing.
Joey: How ’bout for punching, huh? What are you doing hitting on my girlfriend, ugly?
Abed: This is awkward.
Britta: Oh my God!
Troy: It’s a white Abed.
Pierce: It-it-it’s like Abed but employable.
Joey: Let’s go, Slumdog.
Dean Pelton *doing announcements*: And one last lost and found announcement. Jeff Winger I’ve been informed by Coach Bogner that you left your panties in his pool class, so better pick those up.
Jeff: When is he going to stop doing that?
Jeff: Do you know he called me a hipster? HIPSTER? I mean do hipsters walk around wearing $300 jeans from Italy?
Jeff: I hate to say I told you so, so I’ll shout it through cupped hands. *shouting through cupped hands* I TOLD YOU SO!
Pierce: Oh, come on, who are we kidding? Jeff’s right. Abed was happy being Abed, ’till we had to sully his mind with thoughts of love And romance. And vaginas.
Jeff: Those are the big three, that’s what they call them.
Britta: Poor Abed, he was probably too sad to get out of bed this morning.
Abed *walking in*: Hi!
Annie: Abed, about yesterday.
Abed: Oh yeah, you guys must be pretty upset.
Britta: Why would we be upset?
Abed: Well I know how important it was for you that I get a girlfriend, so when Jenny went off with White Abed, it must have really hurt.
Troy *crying*: Ahh, it did.
Jeff: White Abed?
Shirley: Jenny’s boyfriend is a white guy that’s almost identical to Abed, his name is Joey and that’s why the sketch was in Troy’s book.
Jeff: So does that make Abed brown Joey?
Shirley: If you wanna get racist about it!
Britta: Abed, you know we just want you to be happy right?
Abed: Yeah I know, everybody wants me to be happy, everybody wants to help me. But usually when they find out they can’t they get frustrated and stop talking to me, or they trick me into buying them ice cream and then shove into a clothes dryer. Which, I didn’t want to happen with you guys so I wanted to make sure that you felt like you could help me. The truth is, lots of girls like me, because let’s face it I’m pretty adorable. And uh my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, I’m more used to them approaching me.
Britta: So, we didn’t damage your self-esteem or anything?
Abed: Britta I got self-esteem flowing out of my butt. That’s why I was willing to change for you guys, because when you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn’t such a big deal.
Jeff: Abed, you’re a God. If you’ll all excuse me, I have a man to beat in pool while wearing shorts.
Pierce: Is that code for going number one or number two?
Britta: Abed, you’ve inspired me too, people can mock me all they want. I don’t care how I say the word baggle.
*everyone laughs and mocks Britta*
Coach Bogner: Hey, nice cross corner, Leonard.
Leonard: Totally. Heh heh.
Coach Bogner: I’d like to see jeff winger try that shot Without the benefit of his stylish clothing.
Jeff: Oh, would you?
Coach Bogner: Jeff Winger, shouldn’t you be at an Urban Outfitters?
Jeff: I’ll go there later if I feel like it. But first, I have to hand someone Their tightly polyester-swaddled ass In a game of pool.
Jeff: Now do you want to talk about clothes like a girl, or use tapered sticks to hit balls over a cushioned table like a man?
Coach Bogner: Balls, like a man!
Jeff: You’re wrong, man. I’m just having a good time Because I love playin’ pool.
Coach Bogner: Liar! You think you look cool.
Jeff: Yeah? Well, how cool is this? *pulls his shorts down* Stop projecting your obsession with clothes onto me as an excuse for when I beat you in a game of real pool!
Coach Bogner: Oh, you wanna play real pool, huh? *pulls shorts down* I’ll play real pool. *takes his shirt off* Now who doesn’t care how they look?
Jeff: Me! *takes shirt off*
Senor Chang: Shouldn’t you be stopping this?
Dean Pelton: Soon, soon, just..gathering evidence.
Coach Bogner: You know what Jeff. One of us is about to win this game. But years from now when the story’s retold, all they’re gonna remember, is one of us loved clothes, and the other loved…the game. Aaaaaah! *rips his underwear off*
Jeff: Aaaah!! *rips his underwear off*
Coach Bogner: Look at me. Look at me! You beat me. From now on, you play pool dressed however you choose.
Jeff: I choose shorts. I choose shorts! Shorts!
Coach Bogner: You son of a bitch. You magnificent son of a bitch!
Joey: Man, why couldn’t I be Brown Joey?