Annie: But maybe when Jeff gets here, we could talk to him as a group about his tardiness.
Pierce: Oh, come on now, don’t use that word around Abed.
Pierce: We’ve got a bond going, kind of, sort of like brothers.
Troy: I hope your mom didn’t make you take baths together, cause one of you would have been like 30.
Pierce: You know Jeff probably comes late so he doesn’t have to sit through all of YOUR tardiness.
Pierce: Sorry, Abed.
Jeff: So what’s a guy gotta do to get a C around here?
Britta: Look, Jeff. You’re harmless enough to me because a life full of ups and downs has given me douche-ray vision.
Annie: You’re like Jodie Foster, or Susan Sarandon. You’d rather keep it real than be likeable.
Senor Chang: Everyone once in a while a student will come up and ask: “Senor Chang, why do you teach Spanish?” They say it just like that. “Why do YOU teach Spanish?” Why you. Why not math? Why photography? Why not martial arts? I mean, surely it must in my nature to instruct you in that’s ancient and secret. Like, oh, building a wall that you can see from outer space. Well, I’ll tell you why I teach Spanish. It is none of your business, okay? Now, I don’t wanna have any conversations about what a mysterious, inscrutable man I am. Ohehehehehe, ohohohohohoho. I AM A SPANISH GENIUS! IN espanol my nickname is El Tigre Chino. Because my knowledge will bite her face off. So don’t question Senor Chang, or you’ll get bit. Yeah, bit. Yeah, bit.
Pierce: Of course it didn’t help any that I can’t have children. I’m not sterile. In fact, it’s a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Heh. Can you believe that?
Jeff: I can’t. But you can, so that’s fine.
Pierce: Let’s have one drink before we work… to the empowerage of words.
Jeff: To the irony of that sentence.
Britta: What I meant to say was that this cause is really personal to me.
Annie: Are you saying we’re not allowed to protest? Britta, you sound like Guatemala.
Shirley: Sounds like someone has the case of “someone likes to use fringe politics to make themselves feel special but doesn’t actually want to do anything”-itis.
Britta: No, I do things. I.. I went to… I don’t do anything.
Pierce: Awesome. Look at awesome Jeffrey Winger. Too awesome for old Pierce, with your hip shirts and your gelled hair, and your cool tape over your mouth. Why is everybody wearing tape over their mouth?
Jeff: It’s a protest, Pierce.
Pierce: Oh, good. Because I know what I’d like to protest, how much you hurt me.
Abed: Conflicts like these will ultimately bring us together as an unlikely family.
Troy: You have horrible breath right now.
Pierce: First you constantly blow me off, then you want me to do your homework. Then you tell me I’m trying too hard to be your friend, so you have to go. You had to come out here to pretend to care about the stupid stuff she cares about. His words, not mine.
Jeff: He is paraphrasing. Pierce I got an idea. Why don’t you go get a cup of coffee and hold some waitress hostage with a monologue about your sperm.
Pierce: I’ll show you some sperm buddy. *tries to take a swing at Jeff, and his arm catches on fire* Is this your idea? What the hell? Fire. No, I’m not ready to die! Ahh, ahhhhhh.
Jeff: Oh, oh. He’s…He’s…He’s jumped in the fountain. He’s fine.
Shirley: Pierce has always been on my watch list.
Troy: That dude is crazy. He told me girls have two pee holes.
Senor Chang: Okay, um, guys. Why are there costumes involved? These are supposed to be short conversations, they’re not supposed to take-
Jeff: your breath away? Well, Tough.
Senor Chang: F, F-minus.
Pierce: What? Did you say S?
Britta: That was one of the worst things I have ever seen. Which I guess makes being a part of it a pretty selfless act, so I’m impressed
Jeff: Well how do you know I didn’t do it just to get another shot with you?
Britta: Cause a smart man like you would know that no woman in that class would be able to look at you as a sexually viable candidate ever again.