Dean Pelton: Welcome back to Greendale! Now ranking fifth on Colorado’s alphabetical listing of community colleges. Rest in peace, Bad Boy Slim’s DJ School. This school owes it’s continued existence to the following heroes. Jeff Winger, a teacher so dedicated to clean energy, he’s already parking like his car is electric. Britta Perry, currently raising awareness of homelessness, not that she has a choice. Abed Nadir, who actually wrote this announcement for the of, as he put it, catching everyone up. And Annie Edison who led the effort to save Greendale from 534 critical emergencies.
Leonard: Like tears, in rain.
Britta: I can’t believe the roof collapsed, we almost killed Fat Neil!
Abed: That was Garrett.
Britta: See? We’re monsters!
Chang: Okay, if they blame us for this, let me take the heat. I’d never see the inside of a cell. *whispering* I’ve been reliving this say over and over for a thousand years.
Abed: Speaking of guilt, where’s Shirley?
Jeff: You didn’t tell him?
Annie: I was waiting until we were all together. Abed’s not comfortable with C-H-A-N-G-E.
Chang: Hey, screw you! I can spell. *looks at Abed* Screw you.
Britta: Shirley went to look after her dad in Atlanta and ended up taking a job as a personal chef to a brilliant but troubled southern detective. I told her I’d manage her sandwich shop where she’s gone.
Jeff: Oh, that’s very generous of you. I have a friend in town, every time you’re gonna need help with that.
Annie: She’ll be back.
Chang: Like Troy? Are any of you white people noticing what’s happening to this group? Do Abed and I need to be concerned?
Jeff: You have my word, as leader of the white people there’s no cause for alarm.
Dean Pelton *walks in with Frankie Dart*: Say hello to new Shirley!
Britta: Is she, excuse me, ma’am. Is she above us, or below us?
Dean Pelton: She is, woop! I’m getting a call, here, and um, I’ll have to take it. Frankie, why don’t you explain what your role will be, while I leave to take this call. My phone IS vibrating bu it is-
Jeff: In your office, which you didn’t realize when you started the fake phone call move.
Dean Pelton: My is in my pocket, Jeffrey! I’m walking away, so I can get it out and answer it.
Frankie *tries to sit in Shirley’s chair*: Okay, I’ll just have a seat and-
Everyone: No! No, no no. Hey!
Annie: Our friend used to sit there.
Abed: She spun off.
Frankie: I’m sorry, *points to Pierce’s chair* what about here?
Annie: Yeah, I guess that’s okay.
Frankie: I took an informal survey to get a sense of how Greendale is perceived, and three themes emerged. Weird, passionate, and gross. Now you want to hang onto that grouping. In marketing, it’s what we call the Good Belushi.
Chang: Great seeing you Professor Slater.
Britta: Who in the crazy bitch?
Dean Pelton: No, thank you! I, I’m just glad I was able to answer. My, my phone got lodged in my pocket. I know! I guess that is a thing. So, you were saying about the thing, *walking away* the reason you were calling was, what were you to talking to me about?
Frankie: I’m sorry, I cannot legally protect or insure a campus with free flowing booze.
Jeff: Well, I can’t teach with free flowing sobriety.
Frankie: Is that true? Do you really think you’re an addict?
Jeff: No. Dean!
Dean Pelton: *grabs someone’s phone* Hello? *walking away* Oh, oh, hey! Yes, I can talk.
Frankie: Done, done, deloused. Appraised, defused, rebuilt. De-peanut-buttered, debunked, spayed, neutered. Underway, resanctified, plunged, deported, and exhumed.
Britta: I’m gonna name one of my sandwiches after her. My sandwiches suck.
Abed: My umbrella concern is that you, as a character, represent the end of what I used to call our show. Which was once an unlikely family of misfit students, is now a pretty loose knit group of students and teachers. None of whom are taking a class together in a school which, as of your arrival is coming increasingly grounded asking questions like, how do any of us get our money? When will we get our degrees, and what happened to that girl I was dating? As opposed to questions I consider more important like, what is real? What is sanity? Is there a god? Where’s that Pierce hologram? Jeff said last year he saw a Pierce hologram. None of the rest of us have ever seen it. So, if there’s a Pierce ghost on campus, I’d like to get a head start on busting it.
Frankie: All right. This is the first I’ve heard that I’m a character on a show. I’m excited to be one, but I agree, I’ll be a boring one. Quirks are not my strong suit, results are. I love quirky people. I come from a big family of people who are literally insane. I moved down here to take care of one of them. But I myself am exceptionally boring, and I am quite proud to be that way, because it allows me to help the less boring people turn quirks into results.
Abed: That’s the most interesting take on not being interesting that I’ve ever heard.
Britta: Frankie’s taking over the campus. She cancelled ladders, she’s banning substances, she wants to shut down Shirley’s Sandwiches. She called Annie a bitch.
Annie: She implied I was a bitch.
Britta: She implied Annie was a stuck up bitch who thinks she’s better than everyone.
Annie: Abed, are you sure she wasn’t actually being sweetly condescending?
Abed: Yep. I learned to pick on that one.
Britta: I make a movement that we form a second, secret, committee.
Annie: I second, Britta’s motion, not movement.
Jeff: I third Annie’s number two-ing of the movement Britta made.
Britta: Don’t make it more dramatic than it is, it’s a blood-oath to defy evil. You’re in or you’re out.
Abed: Can I have some pretzels?
Annie: …No..those are secret committee pretzels.
Abed: Okay…*pulls out his own pretzels* Well. Yes, that was a test. *eats one* You guys are bad friends.
Jeff: If I have to start drinking in the men’s room, the score in my head has to change from Trent Reznor to Johnny Cash doing Trent Reznor.
Britta: I’m a bartender Annie, I know a little bit more about the human side of service.
Dave: I can’t eat this, can I get my money back?
Britta: You’re human garbage!
Abed: The committee had a meeting last night and decided you are evil.
Chang: Oooooh! Wait, you guys had a meeting?
Abed: So, we broke up as friends. Because I don’t think you’re evil. I think you scare people, because you live in the real world instead of up your butt.
Frankie: I’m sorry that happened, Abed. It’s like I said yesterday at lunch, drama and conflict are exciting and easy. Making a difference can be pretty boring.
Chang: You guys had lunch?
Abed: I’d like to try to live in that world. I’m a little tired from all the drama, the heroes, the villains, monsters.
Abed: You’re just a person that sees things the way they are.
Chang: Leprechauns. Scary.
Abed: I don’t know if I can be like that but, I don’t think it makes sense to be against it.
Chang: You guys ever hear of The Slender Man?
Abed: I’d like to try to help you. And if possible, learn from you.
Chang: You guys on Reddit? 4Chan?
Frankie: That would be great, Abed.
Chang: Cause it’s awesome.
Frankie: I think we’d all benefit if we were more like you, so what do you say?
Chang: *smacks table* Let’s order some food!
Frankie: Let’s save Greendale.
Abed: Let’s save Greendale.
Chang: Tacoooos! We are something else.
Frankie: Abed, if you change your clothes one more time today, you’re fired.
Abed: Oh, Britta’s still the worst?
Britta: Ohhhhhhh ho ho ho ho, it finally comes out. Abed deserves better.
Leonard: That’s been out.
Britta: Shutup, Leonard. I once mistook six people for you at a pharmacy.
Abed: I hate emailing Diane. She can’t commit to a font. It’s pathological, and am I. This is where I belong.
Frankie: I know you think that Abed, but you don’t know any better.
Frankie: Uh..er..Shutup, Leonard. You are. You are old. And you deserve less because of your age. I don’t, I don’t actually believe that. I’m just trying to, I’m trying to, and everybody here is a fart! A-a livid fart from the butt of a lesser god! I-I’m, I’m better than this. *walks away*
Jeff: Cut to everyone on campus getting as drunk as they want montage!
Dean Pelton: Frankie hasn’t come back to work today.
Jeff: That’s terrible.
Dean Pelton: The insurance company dropped us, the school has no insurance.
Jeff: What was Frankie’s salary?
Dean Pelton: A lot.
Jeff: What were the insurance premiums?
Dean Pelton: A lot.
Jeff: Add those two numbers together, that’s your new school dance budget.
Dean Pelton: Oh, nice.
Frankie: In terms of hierarchy, I’m a big believer in it. Someone needs to say I’m in charge, and that person is me. That’s my decision.
Interviewer: Wait, what?
Frankie: I’m sorry?
Interviewer: Who talks like that? Why would anyone hire someone so pompous? Miss Dart, word of advice, change your personality, or start looking for companies run by insane people.
Jeff *barges in*: Don’t hire this woman!
Abed: Fifth time’s the charm, he’s barged into four offices screaming don’t hire this woman.
Interviewer: What the hell is going on?
Frankie: What are you doing here? How did you even find me?
Abed: I emailed Diane. She knows way too much about your schedule, by the way.
Jeff: Whatever he’s offering you, Greendale, well, we can’t double it. We probably can’t even match it. Whatever he’s offering you, Greendale will give you less, and an apology.
Interviewer: Do you know-
Frankie: Shhh! It’s not enough, but maybe if you added more apologies.
Abed: Like a montage of them?