Jeff: call us here?
Dean Pelton: I don’t know. Some financial prospect that could put the school in the black. Which always confuses me, because black means bad. When it’s a cat or banana or a shirt that makes you think you’ve lost more weight than you have.
Chang: Nice save. Sorry about that, man.
Elroy: Hm? What? Did someone use the word black and now you want me to give you the all-clear? Please tell me that won’t be my role in this group. I have a brain the size of Jupiter. I’m nobody’s fourth Ghostbuster.
Dean Pelton: No, I promise, this group does not think that way. In fact, before you got here, they had two-
Dean Pelton: They had to often step back and remind themselves that they weren’t one collective ray of light.
Elroy: Is this a cult? Are you gonna eat me?
Britta: No, we’re fine, I lived in New York.
Britta: Eight guests? That’s not, not a rager. That’s not a party.
Chang: Nice grammar.
Britta: Okay, you have a rule against parties, which I’m sure is a world record for uptightness, so let’s celebrate that. I’ll bring the booze and more than eight guests.
Annie: Britta, you just moved in. You don’t even have a real bedroom. You’re a coucher.
Abed *as Seinfeld*: She sleeps on the couch. She’s a coucher.
Britta: So I get nothing?
Annie: You get a couch. You get a home. There’s no government to overthrow here.
Britta: I’m not overthrowing.
Annie: You’re overthrowing if I say so!
Chang: Nice irony.
Jeff: Can we focus on this? Because now this is happening.
Frankie: Hello everyone. Don’t be alarmed, I’m attending our meeting using what’s called a telepresence robot.
Elroy: I resent the idea that this would alarm me.
Abed: Now, hold on. Are you trying to tell me that prisoners would use these things, to come to our school? That’s the black guy in every sci-fi movie.
Elroy: I’ll allow it.
Chang: They’ll rape us. They’ll rape us all.
Frankie: They can’t rape you, because their genitals will be hundreds of miles away.
Chang: From each other?
Frankie: The prison is looking for ways to expose their inmates to a real world academic environment.
Dean Pelton: Okay, I’ve heard enough. I’m responsible for this school. I won’t have hardened criminals exposing themselves to it.
Jeff: As someone that got paid to keep people out, let me tell you.
Chang: Hey guys, I’m moon walking.
Jeff: Not every bad guy ends up in prison, and not every prisoner is a bad guy.
Britta: Who’s this guy?
Britta: Oh, yeah.
Dean Pelton: Jeffrey you know, ordinarily I’d do anything you say.
Jeff: Do it.
Dean Pelton: Let’s do it. Oh, I walked into that one.
Dean Pelton: Now, if I see any race gangs forming, I will have no choice but to adjust the contrast on your screens until you all look the same. And we have a very strict no bullying policy that relates directly to me, so be nice, to me.
Jeff: Alright, knock it off. No one at this school should pick on any class of people, it’s like watching magicians bully jugglers.
Jeff: I was a phony lawyer, I got caught, and now I teach a pretty phony class. It’s an automatic A. But, you might learn a thing or two. And I mean literally a thing or two. Cool?
Willy: Hey, and they call me the criminal.
Jeff: All right, that’s enough law. Who wants to watch Planet Earth? Oh, look, ice worlds, oh the majesty. Rhinos and elephants and flamingos.
Abed: Hey, Annie. I’d like to make this moment worth popping back to from some point in the future.
Annie: I don’t know what that means.
Abed: *blows airhorn* There. Don’t worry. It will pay off. Hey, Troy.
Abed: You’re saying I was first in the apartment, so I could overrule Annie and let you have a party, but I don’t get anything out of parties. They’re like conventions for every subject too boring to have their own convention. And instead of Joss Whedon the police show up.
Abed: I make movies, Britta. I make movies, Annie makes rules, you make parties. Her rules cancel out your parties, but I’m not involved, I just make movies.
Willy: Looks like you’re taking full advantage, too.
Jeff: Yeah. It’s a real dream gig.
Willy: Hm, sarcasm. Slick words. Cock of the walk.
Jeff: What are categories in Prison Jeopardy? Hey, you mind helping me out with something? I think I lost a ball-bearing that rolled down them stairs.
Jeff: Lost a ball-bearing?
Willy: Mm-hm. Down them stairs.
Jeff: You want me to look down these stairs? Okay. *Willy tries to push Jeff down stairs* Did you just try to murder me? Are you trying to murder me? You’re trying as hard as you can right now to kill me. Okay, well I guess I’ll see you in class tomorrow? Guy who tried to murder me.
Willy: Oh I’ll see you in class tomorrow, Mr. Winger. I will see you. Yeah, I’ll see you. *gets stuck on piece of trash on ground*
Jeff: Oy vey. *picks it up*
Willy: Oh, I’ll see you tomorrow Mr. Winger. *whistles*
Annie: So we are having a party? Annie.
Britta: You know me better than that. This is all set dressing. I’m helping Abed produce his next film.
Annie: *reading script* Britta’s Party, based on a true story of fun and no rules.
Annie: Fade in before a party. People start coming over, way more than eight. It becomes a rager. Everyone has a great time and parties like there’s no tomorrow, then they leave. Sophia cleans up. The end.
Britta: We’re very interested in you for the role of Sophia.
Abed: I see the real time stakes of Can’t Hardly Wait, the subversive raunch of Risky Business, and the mumbly pointlessness of everything after 2003.
Britta: Yeah, but real.
Abed: Totally real.
Abed: The first movie to capture the heart of a real party. The sensation that there’s no tomorrow. The transcendence of time and mortality.
Annie: Bravo, Britta, very clever.
Britta: Me? Don’t look at me, I could never green-light a project this big. I moved in third. I’m a coucher.
Abed *as Seinfeld*: She’s a coucher!
Britta *as Seinfeld*: I sleep on a couch!
Abed *as Seinfeld*: Oh she’s a coucher, look out, look out, who is it? It’s the coucher!
Annie: Okay! Good night.
Abed: Good night.
Annie: *whispering* Before this is over, you’ll beg for my forgiveness.
Willy: Now where I’m from, you accuse somebody of something, you better have evidence, or he better be a minority.
Jeff: He tried to push me downstairs.
Dean Pelton: That’s ridiculous.
Jeff: It was ridiculous, but this is not someone who should be interacting with students. And you’re seriously taking his word over mine?
Dean Pelton: Well, have you ever killed anyone, Jeffrey? Why would an actual murderer wanna kill a community college teacher?
Jeff: Now, I’m not worth murdering? Why would I lie?
Dean Pelton: Isn’t that your specialty? You’re a raconteur. You charm people with your slick and fancy words. Willy. Willy just charms them.
Jeff: Oh, my God.
Willy: I should leave you two alone. I’ve got classes. Some of us came here to work.
Dean Pelton: Jealousy isn’t a crime Jeffrey, but costing the school $300,000 will be. So be a good teacher, especially when Willy’s watching.
Jeff: Law is simply put, an agreement we all make to do our best to stay out of each others way.
Willy: Is there a more technical definition, Mr Winger?
Jeff: Well, I wouldn’t know Willy. I don’t cotton much to fancy words and book study. It’s not how I got to where I am.
Willy: How did you get to be where you are, Mr. Winger? Where were you born?
Jeff: Mr. Winger was born in dirt, Willy. Same as you I’m sure. And I had my face held down in that dirt by the kings of dirt and now they’re still there, ruling over dirt and I got out.
Wily: By talking, by lying.
Jeff: Well, in case you hadn’t noticed it seems to beat being a bully. Garrett?
Garrett: Mr. Winger, when did you stop being funny? I, I mean, am I wrong? Or does he seem really intense here? *mocking Jeff* Now, you’re born in the dirt, you’ll die in the dirt. Kings of the, who are the kings of the dirt?
Jeff: Everyone’s so charmed by him because he’s a violent criminal. But he’s also a petty sociopath, and the more I try to point that out, the pettier I look.
Britta: Weren’t you the one that championed this program? Shouldn’t have worn that petard if you didn’t want to be hoisted by it.
Jeff: What do you think the expression hoisted by your own petard is referencing? I guess I just assume that in the old days a petard was a special outfit like a leotard with a lot of fancy buckles and loops on it. And that rich people would wear them when they were feeling especially smug. But then poor people could tie a rope to one of the loops and hoist them up a pole and then let them dangle there as punishment for being cocky.
Jeff: Never look it up. Your explanation is way better. But also the next time a friend comes by with their problems, maybe lay off the I told you so’s.
Britta: Jeff, we’re having a Britta party here. Could you be a little bit less of a buzz kill?
Dean Pelton: Jeffrey. You are on sabbatical.
Jeff: You can’t do that.
Dean Pelton: Yes I can! Two weeks paid sabbatical, get him out of here, he’s banned from the campus. You are on sabbatical.
Security Guard: You’re on sabbatical, sir.
Jeff: Yeah, I’ll go on my own, with dignity, something you should look up.
Dean Pelton: I can’t look it up. You destroyed my device, and my heart.
Security Guard: You destroyed his device and his heart, sir.
Jeff: Yeah, I’m going.
Annie: Would you like my help?
Annie: Have you learned anything?
Britta: Don’t question rules. Rules are good. I’m bad. All hail Annie.
Annie: Thank you.
Elroy: Murderers can get on campus. I’ll need a broom, a remote control car, an iPad and an elaborate gyroscopically stabilized servomotor.
Chang: Dude, we’re trying to help Jeff here. You’re acting kind of spoiled right now.
Britta: What’s gonna happen to me?
Annie: You’re going to be punished in ways you won’t understand for longer than you think is rational or possible. But then one day, you’ll do something he likes and he’ll stop. And eventually, you’ll either adapt or lose your mind.
Geller: I’m here for the ceremony.
Guard: Last name?
Geller: Geller, prisoner ID 042098.
Guard: Okay, go on.
Elroy: Hi, I’m here for the cere-
Guard: Have a nice night sir.
Jeff: Dean. I agree there’s no reason you shouldn’t give this guy my job.
Dean Pelton: Save it, Jeffrey. I don’t want to hear it.
Jeff: But don’t do it before I tell you some things that I’ve been getting away with not saying.
Willy: Somebody get this maniac out of here.
Warden: Quiet, Willy. Let’s do this by prison rules. Say what you have to say.
Jeff: Dean, I like my job. I don’t mind coming to work here. I feel kinda guilty when I pretend to be sick. And I try to steal as little as possible, just the basics. Pens, coffee filters, toilet paper, and one time, an overhead projector and a roll of carpet. But I don’t lead you on, and I never will. Because I’m not just a pretty face that murders people and tells you what you wanna hear, I’m less than that. I’m a gorgeous face that works for you and considers you a friend.
Dean Pelton: Oh, Jeffrey.
Warden: Now, now to be fair. You guys know Willy’s an innocent man, right?
Willy: You shut your mouth, Warden.
Warden: No, it’s true. His appeal is in motion. There’s new DNA evidence. He’s a good fella. Wrongfully convicted.
Dean Pelton: You’re not a murderer?
Willy: I can explain.
Jeff: Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Willy: Son of a bitch!
Dean Pelton: Wait. Let’s do this by community college rules. Fight!
Everyone: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Jeff: Thanks, Dean. Dean, Dean. Oh, come on. No, no, no.
Garrett: Way to go Mr. Winger. Way to go.
Jeff: Everybody, I am not participating in this.
Warden: What the hell kind of school is this?
Abed: It’s WASD to move it. It’s been the same since the invention of the keyboard.
Annie: Okay, nerd.
Chang: I vote no, people shouldn’t have to be everywhere at once, sometimes we need to do our own thing.
Jeff: Chang, where are you?
Chang: I’m doing my own thing.
Jeff: Why is there tile behind you? Please tell me you’re not doing the thing, I think you’re doing.
Abed: That’s the same tile we have in our apartment’s bathroom.
Annie: What? Chang.
Chang: I gotta go.
Annie: Oh my god.
Jeff: Yeah, I gotta go too.
Dean Pelton: Jeffrey.
Frankie: I take it we’re passing on their offer?
Abed: No, they’re just amateurs. Initiating override protocol. All in favor of this purchase?
Abed: Very well, Abeds commence with world domination.
Abeds: Eradicate, eradicate, eradicate. Eradicate, eradicate. Eradicate, eradicate. Eradicate, eradicate.
Janitor/Abeds: Eradicate, eradicate, eradicate.