Shirley: “Any business operating for profit on Greendale’s campus must be at least 51 percent owned by a registered Greendale student.”
Britta: That’s too bad, dean. I don’t recall seeing Subway in my Premenopausal Postfeminist Experiential Marketing class.
Subway: Actually, I’m on the wait list for the Premen/Postfem/Ex Mark.
Britta: Who are you?
Dean Pelton: Gang, meet Greendale’s newest student, Subway.
Troy: Your name is Subway?
Subway: Yep, using a groundbreaking, but surprisingly legal process known as corpo-humanisation. Real people such as myself are now allowed to represent the collective humanity of business owners. I have contractually waived my birth identity, and am now a man and student named Subway.
Jeff: So, you can vote?
Subway: Actually no, because technically I’m only a week old.
*Britta hits her*
Dean Pelton: Wow, did you know Greendale students are technically in the Army Reserves? *touches Jeff’s shoulder* Let’s say a little prayer for peace.
Jeff: I can’t think of a better use of my time here, than being unconscious.
Annie: It’s not a blow-off class, Jeff. We’re only allowed to bring one stuffed animal. I’m bringing Ruthie. *whispering* But using her pouch to sneak in Nathan.
Annie: Jeff! Did you skip the preorientation freshman welcome seminar and diversity fire circle? This explains so much about you.
Britta: Am I the only person enraged by the fact that corporations are taking human form? I totally predicted this in my high school newspaper column: “Britta Unfiltered.”
Pierce: Unfiltered. I get it.
Britta: Get what?
Shirley: Actually, maybe Subway taking human form could be its undoing. Ah, Brit-taah, you’re a progressive woman, of a more liberated looseness. You could get close to Subway and find out some dirt on him.
Pierce: Corporate espionage, I like it. Microphones hidden in lipstick, lipstick hidden in microphones. And the deadliest weapon of them all: the penis flytrap.
Britta: Okay, this conversation is over! I am not a whore, and not that I’ve done the math. But if I were, I’d be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.
Vice Dean Laybourne: Troy Barnes.
Troy: Vice Dean Laybourne, you have a beard, and a pony tail.
Vice Dean Laybourne: Going throuogh some stuff right Troy, don’t worry about it.
Pierce: Top-notch whoresmanship, Britta.
Pierce: Sorry, whoreswomanship. Forgot it was the 90s.
Jeff: Leonard, what are you doing?
Leonard: Abed’s fort needs pillows.
Jeff: But, I was gonna lie there.
Leonard: I was gonna invest in IBM in 1952, but life is full of disappointments.