Prof. Cligoris: Oh boy, spoiler alert. Somebody just won a ride in the wheelchair.
Shirley: I’d like to think the lord heard my prayers about you, but you still dressin’ like a streetwalker.
Britta: Yep, I’m getting serious. I got a backpack, I got a new notebook. Oh I got one of those see-through yellow pens so I can do that thing where you color in the words.
Britta: Probably the backpack.
Britta: She’s imprisoned by an oppressive regime halfway around the world, and I’m what, in college? Where are my values?
Britta: Man, she’s got a Facebook group?
Chang: My first cop flashlight, can’t wait to get some brains on this bad boy.
Chang: The badge says to serve and protect!
Sgt. Nunez: No it doesn’t.
Chang: “How’s my smile”? Oh, man. What the hell am I in charge of?
Sgt. Nunez: See this garbage can? Students coming out of the library bump into it. You can serve and protect them from a nasty boo-boo.
Chang: What do I do if I see a crime?
Sgt. Nunez: What a security guard does, call a cop. *takes Chang’s handcuffs* Where’d you even get these?
Chang: Come on, let me keep them.
Sgt. Nunez: No.
Chang: Please? I SWEAR THEY’RE JUST FOR SEX!
Jeff: Wow, Annie, how progressive of you to have a multicultural evil twin.
Pierce: An Asian Annie, Obama’s America.
Pierce: You be careful Annie, they are ruthless.
Pierce: What? Not Asians, women.
Annie: I’m not competing with her, I find her adorable. She’s like a younger me.
Troy: You mean the younger you that took so much Adderall she tried to straighten the lines on our high school football field during a game?
Britta: You know what else was the best? The rainforests. Too bad the fascist oligarchies are raping them to make hamburgers. Look it up.
Troy: Looks like someone woke up on the regular side of the bed.
Britta: I haven’t been tear-gassed in so long.
Britta: Maybe my path is a war path that leads to the Terrordome, n-words! Okay, maybe I went too far. Maybe I don’t want to offend my African-American friends. But the larger point is, maybe I’m not done raging against the machine!
Shirley: Raging against the what? That sounds dangerous.
Jeff: Don’t worry, she’ll be bad at it.
Chang: Mind the can, student.
*Britta pathetically attempts to kick over the can while “Hello” plays*
Chang: You just got yourself a warning.
Britta: I piss warnings, pig.
*gags on the warning and spits it out*
Britta: And that’s how we do that.
Jeff: Wait, what? She stole your idea?
Pierce: Sneak attack. That’s just like–Not women, Asians.
Troy *excited*: Boutros Boutros-Ghali!?
Prof. Cligoris: They used to call me model U.N. guy back in college. Well that’s not, don’t research that.
Jeff: Pardon me, Professor Cligoris. Cli-goris?
Prof. Cligoris: Either pronunciation is fine.
Annie Kim: I’m sorry, I don’t understand your relationship here. Is he your father or your lover?
Prof. Cligoris: There’s only one rational way to settle this. A head-to-head Model UN battle royal, the rules to which…I would have to spend the evening devising.
Pierce: Somalia has 1,900 miles of coastline, a government that knows its place, and all the guns and wives you can afford to buy. Why have I never heard of this paradise before?
Troy: I studied up on my country. Is it okay if we do accents, sugar?
Jeff: Troy, Georgia the country, not the state.
Troy: That’s right. Capital city Tbilisi, and former member of the Soviet Union. And we kindly request ya’ll mind your P’s and Q’s.
Garret: CRISIS ALERT!
Pierce: The great country of Somalia, this gem, this Shangri-La, graciously invites the Ethiopian refugees to enjoy safe lodging and cool ocean breezes on the sand-swept beaches.
Shirley: Ooh! China has money, does anybody want some?
Britta: He’s pulling my cage. I’m being pulled in my cage for no reason. Is anybody seeing this? Is the word seeing this? Are we Facebooking this?
Garret: Crisis alert! A tsunami has hit Vietnam! Massive–crisis alert, famine in Ghana–crisis alert–tuberculosis outbreak–CRISIS ALERT!
Troy: Gooder than grits!
Sgt. Nunez: Young lady you spilled paint on a globe, you’re as much a criminal as this idiot is a cop.
Sgt. Nunez: Okay, I know you’ve got a lot on your mind right now. But somebody broke that thing that comes down from the parking booth. You know the thing that comes down, keeps the…cars from coming in. The thing, it’s like a gate but it’s just a stick. Comes down, from a hinge. Keeps the cars out, goes up and down 90 degrees.
Chang: The arm?
Jeff: Annie, stop! You’re acting like a little schoolgirl, and not in a hot way.
Annie: *runs away*
Jeff: Okay, uh that made me sound creepy. But, but here’s the thing. *walks away*
Abed: It’s simple really, First we…*mumbling*
Jeff: Abed, what did I tell you? You can’t just mumble nonsense, no one’s cutting away.
Pierce: I told you to stop playing Operation on me! I’m not your damn board game! At least you didn’t get my spare ribs.