Alan: Let’s get a drink, huh?
Jeff: Are you allowed?
Alan: Yeah. I quit doing blow, not being rad.
Jeff: All right, let’s do it.
Alan: What has this place done to you?
Jeff: Ah, you have no idea.
Guy: Hat club! *puts hat on Jeff’s head*
Jeff: Now you have some idea.
Britta: Hm, slow news day.
Chang: That’s your Carson?
Britta: Jon Stewart.
Chang: You depress me.
Abed: Our concern is that Alan is to Jeff what Rob Lowe was to James Spader in the 1990 film Bad Influence.
Shirley: He’s a bad influence.
Abed: You saw it?
Shirley: And Jeff, you need to be more respectful of our time.
Jeff: Shirley, if I killed a man, as a Christian, would you forgive me?
Shirley: I would.
Jeff: Then either that man’s life is worth less than your time, or it’s okay for me to be late.
Pierce: Come on, Jeff’s bush league. I gave seminars on manipulation, I could reach into a man’s soul and unravel it with one tug.
Alan: Cool, hit me.
Pierce: You’re bald.
Alan: So are you.
Pierce: I’ll kill you, you! Come here!
Jeff: Mistrial. Hahaha! Come on man.
Pierce: I have hair…*crying Father, I have hair.
Troy: What does Alan have that we don’t?
Pierce: A butt for Jeff’s wiener. I mean, we all have butts too. We have butts. Just not for the same thing-I’m trying to say they’re gay.
Jeff: Any other meaningless conspiracy theories?
Troy: Yes. Did you know that Go-Gurt is just yogurt?
Britta: In other words, we’re not cool.
Jeff: I never said that. You may have heard it. I may have thought it, and it may be true. But I never said it.
Jeff: Anyone else with that hand would wear a glove, he controls a room with it.
Jeff: First, why are you here? Second, I don’t care, leave.
Annie: Fourth floor, 470. First he said it was 69, I wanna rub Purell on my brain.
Troy: Annie, go back and keep lookout.
Annie: Why me lookout? Why not you guys?
Troy: ‘Cause if someone comes up here, Kanye and Kumar get taken to jail. You get taken to dinner.
Annie: You guys! I’m the smartest one in this whole group and all I’ve been used for is bait and distraction. Ohh! Go on your stupid mission, I hope it sucks.
Troy: What did she say?
Abed: I don’t know.
Troy: All I heard was suck.
Britta: Hey, Jeff. I’m sure you know Phillip. Did you know that if I sleep with Phillip once a month, I can use his beach house in Rio whenever I want?
Jeff: Wow, you guys are really on to something, I think you found the world’s newest profession.
Shirley: Guys guys, did you know I actually have a civil case against that bitch that stole my husband?
Jeff: Shirley, don’t sue a stripper.
Shirley: Why not?
Jeff: She’s a stripper. Life sued her, and she lost.
Pierce: Hey. Did you know there’s an island in Indonesia where you can hunt people?
Jeff: We need to talk.
Janitor: Excuse me, who are you guys? This is not your office.
Troy *holding his hand out*: I can explain. Let me explain.
Abed: I usually have one foot out of reality, and even I’m freaking out right now.
Troy: Oh, I don’t know what to do my whole brain is crying!
Jeff: Britta, you’re not a whore. Shirley, Jesus turned the other cheek. He didn’t garnish wages. Pierce, do I even need to say this? It is bad to hunt man for sport.
Abed: Psst! Troy! It’s me.
Abed: I made it through! I’m a cartoon now.
Troy: That’s impossible.
Abed: Nothing’s impossible in here. Animals can talk. Your heart is shaped like a heart. And the smell of pie can make you float. You have to believe, Troy. *Troy gets ready to run at the wall* Wait! You don’t have to believe.
Troy: I didn’t. I didn’t.
Abed: I may have done some damage there.