Narrator: Gather close that you might harken, the story of Fat Neil. Born stout of heart, but large of bone, his adolescent year were shadowed by scorn and mockery. Outlets of fantasy afforded him some escape from the darkness throughout high school, and as a man he traveled far to a new school, and a new beginning. Or so he thought.
Jeff *background*: He’s down there by fat Neil.
Narrator: The name became a joke, the joke became his life, and Neil fell again into darkness, only this time his thoughts turned to an escape of which we dare not speak. But pain need not be spoken to be known, not to all, it was strangely Jeff the Liar, son of William The Barely Known, who first became concerned. It was Jeff who pretended to be interested in Dungeons & Dragons, in an effort to lift Neil’s spirits, and when Jeff’s fake interest resulted in Neil giving Jeff all his books explaining that he wouldn’t need them anymore.
Narrator: It was Annie The Day Planner, herself a recovering headcase, that recognized the signs of coming doom. A council was called, Troy The Obtuse, Shirley the Glowing, Abed the Undiagnosable, Britta the Needlessly Defiant. For reasons that should be obvious, Pierce the Insensitive, known also as Pierce the Dickish and Grandpa the Flatulent, was not invited.
Narrator: The group agreed that what Fat Neil needed most was to feel like a winner for a change, they would invite Neil that Saturday to a game of Dungeons & Dragons designed by Abed to help Neil reclaim his confidence.
Narrator: At the end of the meeting they realized that Chang had been there, but felt too awkward to mention it. What they couldn’t have known was they had just scheduled the most important game of Dungeons & Dragons ever; a game which not only might save a life, but which would forever change the balance between good and Pierce.
Pierce: Now you can all hang out in your suspended humiliation and think about what you learned today. One, don’t screw with me. Two, invite me to your crap.
Troy: This is why I wanted to play Chutes and Ladders.
Abed (regarding Pierce’s character): He’s face down, barely breathing, a pool of blood around him.
Shirley: I can’t tell you how long I’ve dreamed of this moment! In the game.
Pierce: I don’t like being excluded Jeff. Do you?
Neil: This sword was one of a kind. It was forged by my ancestors.
Pierce: I hump it.
Pierce: I can’t hear you over the sound of me rubbing his sword on my balls.
Abed: You have successfully rubbed your balls on the sword.
Pierce: I attack him! I attack black face!
Jeff: What am I not good at?
Annie: I’m… ew, Hector the well-endowed? Abed!
Abed: I didn’t know you’d pick one at random. I made that one with Troy in mind.
Shirley: I bet you did.
Troy: Shouldn’t there be a board, or pieces or something to Jenga?
Shirley: So we just gonna ignore that hate crime, huh?
Abed: Six goblins are running toward you from the treeline drawing daggers.
Troy: I attack them using my…additional notes..
Abed: It has no effect.
Britta: I wanna know why these goblins are attacking us, maybe these woods are their rightful land and from their perspective.
*everybody groans at Britta*
Troy: You’re the AT&T of people.
Pierce: I’m sick of you threatening me and talking to me like a kid, and giving me that look you give me like I can’t get erections.
Annie: I stroke her hair lovingly and spoon her for the appropriate amount of time before leaving.
Troy: How long is that?