Rick: *panting* run! *gasps* Morty, do it! Hit the button now!
Morty: I can’t do it, Rick! They’re my parents and sister!
Rick: Morty, I already told you it’s not your family! They’re clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension’s future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already!
Morty: I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were.
Rick: I don’t know, Morty. Some people’d pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough.
Rick: I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.
Beth: Dad, the dishwasher’s doing that thing again.
Rick: Washing dishes?
Beth: No, the opposite. Can you fix it?
Summer: Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework?
Rick: Yeah j-just don’ do it.
Jerry: Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?
Rick: Wow. Hat trick. All right, Morty, let’s put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family.
Mr. Meeseeks: I’m Mr. Meeseeks, look at me!
Rick: God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don’t w-w-w-why didn’t we just go to Kentucky?
Mr. Meeseeks: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the mos valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I’m Mr. Meeseeks, look at me!
Mr. Meeseeks: Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry.
Jerry: You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don’t think this is working. I give up.
Mr. Meeseeks: I’m sorry, Jerry, but I doesn’t work like that.I’m Mr. Meeseeks. I have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.
Jerry: Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.
Mr. Meeseeks: No, Jerry, I’m the one who sucks! Let me try something.
Mr. Meeseeks: I’m Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
Mr. Meeseeks: Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! I’m Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.
Mr. Meeseeks: Hi!
Mr. Meeseeks: Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry’s golf swing?
Mr. Meeseeks: Can do! I’m Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared?
Mr. Meeseeks: Ooh, he’s trying!
Dale (aka Giant Dan Harmon): I smell the blood of whoop! *crunch* *groaning*
Morty: Holy crap.
Rick: Oh, boy. He looks pretty bad down there, Morty. Looks like he’s bleeding out.
Dale’s Wife: Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches!
Morty: Oh, man.
Dale’s Wife: *speed-dialing* Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He’s dying!
Mr. Meeseeks: okay, jerry, you got to jus choke up on the club!
Jerry: well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?!
Mr. Meeseeks: aww, come on, jerry, we’ve been over this. you know you got to do both!
Mr. Meeseeks: this is as frustrating for us as it is for you.
Jerry: don’t tell me that! that just puts pressure on me!
Mr. Meeseeks:just try to relax.
Jerry: You try to relax! have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!
Jerry: Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can’t imagine what you two must be going through.
Beth: Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry.
Jerry: You’re kidding me.
Beth: Notice anything different?
Jerry: I-I-I’m sorry, hours?
Summer: Dad, Mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You will lose her!
Mr. Meeseeks: Hey Jerry, you mind if we get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don’t usually have to exist this long. It’s getting weird.
Rick: Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to gian prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it’s gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, I-I-I-It’ll be really easy to rape us after that.
Morty: We’re gonna be okay, Rick.
Rick: How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Morty. You know, w-w-w-what do you think’s gonna happen, some magical angel’s gonna show up and then-
Lawyer: Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I’m from a tiny-persons advocacy group and I have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore free-fi to fo-home.
Rick: W-What the hell is he talking about?
Lawyer: They’re free to go, is what i meant. I-I-I’m deconstructing our our our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that? Whatever.
Mr. Meeseeks: I can’t take it anymore. I just want to die!
Mr. Meeseeks: We all want to die! we’re Meeseeks!
Mr. Meeseeks: Why did you even rope me into this?
Mr. Meeseeks: ‘Cause he roped me into this!
Mr. Meeseeks: Well, him over there, he roped me into this!
Mr. Meeseeks: Well, he roped me into this!
Mr. Meeseeks: Well, what about me? he he roped me into this.
Mr. Meeseeks: Well, that one over there roped me into this.
Mr. Meeseeks: Well, he roped me into this.
Slippely-Slippery Stair: Y’all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I’ll take you down there for 25 shmeckels.
Rick: 25 shmeckels? I-I-I don’t know how much I don’t know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?
Waitress: That’s exactly how much i spent on my big fake boobies.
Mr. Booby Buyer: Hi, I’m Mr. Booby Buyer. I’ll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels.
Waitress: It’s a tempting offer, but I’m gonna have to decline.
Mr. Booby Buyer: Rats! What a shame.
Mr. Meeseeks: it’s become clear look a me that if we concentrate all our efforts on jerry’s follow-through, we will solve this problem. I’m Mr. Meeseeks.
Mr. Meeseeks: I’m Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that’s clear is that choking up is the one true solution.
Mr. Meeseeks: Look at me. I’m Mr. Meeseeks. I’ve been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing’s worked. I fear the worst.
Mr. Meeseeks: Your failures are your own, old man. I’m Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who’s with me?!
Mr. Meeseeks: I’m Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
Mr. Meeseeks: Kill him!
Mr. Meeseeks: Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding meeseeks blood. None of us can die until our job is done.
Mr. Meeseeks: The job can’t be done! We’ll never get two strokes off his game!
Mr. Meeseeks: No, we won’t. But we will get all strokes off his game.
Mr. Meeseeks: Where’s he going with this? What’s he mean?
Mr. Meeseeks: When we kill him!
Beth: Jerry, maybe it’s time I take that trip I always talk about.
Jerry: Where would you go?
Beth: I don’t know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina.
Jerry *as Carnac*: Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.
Mr. Meeseeks: Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.
Jerry: Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am i so mediocre?
Mr. Meeseeks: Excuse me. I’m a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game?
Samantha: Oh, my god, Oh, my god! *crying* What about your short game?!
Beth: Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?
Rick: Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box.
Jerry: No. No more boxes.
Rick: What? It just has a mop and some floor wax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That’s my new thing! I’m kind of like what’s his name Ar-Arsenio. Isn’t that-it’s what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! right? See you next week, everybody.
Beth: I don’t get it.