Principal Vagina: Principal Vagina here don’t let the name fool you. I’m very much in charge. Reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance. I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but if you have the flu, stay home. The flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration.You don’t bring dead babies to passover.
Brad: I throw balls far. You want good words? Date a languager.
Morty: I don’t want girls. I want Jessica.
Jerry: Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named “your mom,” and that’s not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time i saw her. I thought-
Rick: “I should get her pregnant, and then she’ll have to marry me.”
Jerry: I beg your pardon, Rick, inappropriate.
Rick: Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school.
Rick: Listen, this is called oxytocin. I extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Morty? You know what a vole is? It’s a it’s a rodent tha mates for life, Morty. This is the chemical released in a mammal’s brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. All right, Morty, I just got to *burps* combine it with some of your DNA.
Morty: Oh, well, okay. *zipper opens*
Rick: A hair, Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn’t “Game of Thrones.”
Morty: Hey, there’s no dangers or anything, or side effects, right?
Rick: W-W-W-What am I, a hack? go nuts, Morty. It’s foolproof. *Morty leaves* Eh, unless she has the flu.
Jerry: Beth, do y-you still love me?
Beth: Ugh, what kind of question is that?
Jerry: The “yes or no” kind? *laughs nervously*
Beth: Jerry, do you wan homeless people to have homes?
Beth: Are you gonna build them?
Beth: Then what good was the “yes”?
Jerry: Wait, I-is loving me the house or the homeless people?
Beth: Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?
Jerry: Sort of.
Beth: Then I obviously sort of love you, don’t I? So stop asking, and maybe I’ll love you more.
Rapper: Flu, yo you got to be aware aware of all the flu up in the air I’m-a get me a shot and make the flu go away flu-hating rapper just rapping away yo, yo, flu-hating rapper it’s a flu-hating rap.
Jerry: She’s gonna be alone with that guy all night.
Summer: Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It’s not a very romantic setting.
Rick: Well, Summer, there’s always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up. Maybe Davin’s digging around in her insides.
Summer: Grandpa, so gross! You’re talking about my mom.
Rick: Well, she’s my daughter, Summer. I outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don’t play that card.
Rapper: I love Morty and I hope Morty loves me I’d like to wrap my arms around him and feel him inside me.
Morty: Oh, crap.
Goldenfold: Morty, the principal and I have discussed it, a-a-and we’re both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
Rick: Uh, by the way, Morty, I know you didn’t ask or anything, but I’m not interested in having sex with you.
Jerry: Nobody’s killing me, until after I catch my wife with another man.
Girl 1: I had sex with Billy.
Girl 2: But you were already pregnant!
Girl 1: Yeah, so what’s the worst that could happen?
News Anchor: We interrupt “Pregnant Baby” with breaking news.
Rick: It’s koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity.
Morty: I don’t that doesn’t make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity?
Rick: What, Morty, you want me to show you my math? I’m sorry a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?
Jerry: God? God’s turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I’m the one beating them to death. Thank me.
Jerry: I wish that shotgun was my penis.
Beth: if it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway.
Jerry: I don’t get it, and I don’t need to.
Rick: Shut up and listen to me! It’s fine. Everything is fine. There’s an infinite number of realities, Morty, and in a few dozen of those, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one of those realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We’re not skipping a beat, Morty. Now, help me with these bodies.
Morty: Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
Rick: What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is don’t think about it.