Morty: Hey Rick, I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out?
Jerry: Well, I mean, traditionally science-fairs are a father-son thing.
Rick: Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.
Robot: What is my purpose?
Rick: You pass butter.
Robot: Oh, my god!
Rick: Yeah, welcome to the club pal.
Mr. Needful: This aftershave makes a man quite irresistible to women. Free of charge. One never pays here, not with money.
Goldenfold: Nothing to read into there. Thanks!
Summer: Grandpa, go home and drink.
Jerry: Pluto was a planet, some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball.
Goldenfold: This aftershave made women want me but it also made me impotent!
Mr. Needful: A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. *laughs*
Goldenfold: *sobbing* Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! I deserved this!
Rick: This serum should *burps* couteract the negative effects.
Goldenfold: Holy cats! Ladies let’s get out of here. I haven’t learned a thing!
Jerry: I think I know what the “A” in N.A.S.A. stands for.
King Flippy Nips: Pluto’s a fucking planet, bitch!
Rick: Have you acquire creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to “Curse Purge Plus.” *burps* I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster but guess what? He would have had to run until he died, making them worthless. I removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don’t know, $8 million. See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, now it does their taxes.
Doll: Everything’s deductible.
Rick: Don’t pay for cool stuff with your soul, pay for it with money. You know, like how every other store in the world works? We’re located at First and Main in Old Town. Come on-come on down.
Mr. Needful: Diabolical son of a motherf-
Scroopy Noopers: Is everyone in your family an idiot?
Morty: For sure, me and my dad are.
Mr. Needful: I mean seriously, I may be “the devil” but your Grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell where everyone thinks I’m smart and funny.
Morty: Dad, what did you think about the recent report published by The Pluto Science Reader linking Pluto-quakes, sinkholes, and surface shrinkage to deep-core plutonium drilling?
Jerry: Well son. What did YOU think when you were five and you pooped your pants, and you threw your poopy undies out your bedroom window because you thought it was like throwing something in the garbage?
Morty: You’re a genius at being my dad, dad. Quit while you’re ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I’m sitting in here, I’m 14. I got a computer in here, you know?
Jerry: Oh, I uh-I think I understand.
Morty: You’re really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man.
Jerry: I get it, say no more.
Morty: I mean, one of these days, you know. You’re gonna-you’re gonna-you’re gonna end up seeing something.
Jerry: I got it! Noted. Good night.