A Community/Rick & Morty/Dan Harmon Fansite (Community season six doesn't suck)

Bondage and Beta Male Sexuality

Duncan: Jeff, we’ve known each other a long time, right? You’ve come to respect me.
Jeff: Sure.
Duncan: Well, get ready to stop. Please help me seduce Britta, now that you’ve finished doing it with her. Please, please.
Jeff: Do you even really like Britta? It seems like you like her because she doesn’t like you.
Ducan: Have you met the women that do like me, Jeff? Neither have I, but trust me they’re bad people.
Jeff: Fine. To get near Britta, think like Britta. Grab one of those free papers for hippies on the quad, go to the calendar page, and find a cause so tragic-Are you writing this down?

Abed: I’m gonna crash the premiere of the Kickpuncher reboot dressed as classic Kickpuncher. They shouldn’t have redesigned that costume. Keep your heads in the sand if you want.

Britta: Professor Duncan, I didn’t know that cause interested you.
Duncan: Well, It’s starving children with cleft palates, Britta. What part would you have me be disinterested in?

Chang: Kids with cleft palates should have extra food, not less. I’m in.

Shirley: Did you get it? I don’t think I got it.
Annie: Well, the ants were people. The queen ant was an oil company.
Shirley: Okay, so it was about our marginalized perceptions as drones being born into a corporate hive-mind?
Annie: Yeah.
Shirley: Hmmm.
Annie: Wow…McDonald’s?
Shirley: Oh, I was just thinking about that.

Duncan: I don’t like this “My-kale” guy.
Jeff: I don’t think he likes himself, or he’d pronounce it “Michael.”

Ducan: Isn’t she great? She’s everything I love about America. Bold, opinionated, just past her peak. And starting to realize she that she has to settle for less. And the moment she needs a shoulder to cry on, BAM! *pulls out handkerchief* Huh? The Duncan handkerchief.
Jeff: Well, I’m out. Have fun circling my former lover, waiting for her to cry. I tried to make that sound good, but uh, that’s what you’re doin’.
Duncan: *shrugs* Eh.

Duncan: Well, it was…it was great seeing you, so…
Jeff: I might stay for one drink.
Ducan: Why?
Jeff: I like to drink.
Duncan: Oh, really?
Jeff: Yeah. I have a serious problem.
Duncan: That had better be true.

Abed: Looked like you were doodling chickens.
Buzz: HE IS A DUCK!

Jeff: I should introduce myself to her friends.
Duncan: I knew it! You don’t have a drinking problem. You have feelings for Britta, you disgusting monster.

Duncan: Oh, here we go. “Love isn’t a game” say the guys that always win. And now, you’re gonna go pull a Dane Cook in one of those three movies he was in about Dane Cook getting paid by accident. Only it’s not a Dane Cook movie, Jeff. Because this time, someone’s watching. Me, your friend. British Jason Biggs.

Abed: Oh! You have feelings, huh? Have you considered putting them into your work? Your cartoons are monuments to joylessness. Nervously assembled jokes based on nothing from your life or anyone’s life. You’re furious at me for being creative because you want to be able to create. You have all this rage and shame and loneliness, which I don’t know how to feel much less understand. And you decide to put what on paper? A duck. Jim the duck. You think I’m crazy, you think there’s something wrong with me. Jim the duck?
Buzz: PUBLISHERS ARE INTERESTED!
Abed: Oh! yeah, well, publishers are stupid. Either that or you’re misinterpreting what was probably a form letter.
Buzz: You shut up.
Abed: You shut up.
Buzz: Now you shut up.
Abed: You shut up. Oh, are we yelling? Are we yelling right now?
Buzz: Self-centered.
Abed: Yelling! I’m yelling I’m yelling I’m yelling. And you’re not talented! You made me miss my movie! You made me miss my movie. In the words of your hacky duck, “what the hell?”

Britta: Where are we going?
Duncan: Well, I think you should go home. Because you’re having an existential crisis, and the best lesson you could take away from it. Is that you are someone, even when you’re by yourself.
Britta: I think you’re right, thank you. And please don’t take offense at this, but thank you for not hitting on me. I was just vulnerable enough to do something really stupid.
*Duncan starts hitting the steering wheel*
Britta: What’s wrong?
Duncan: Nothing. Nothing. It’s nothing…Th-th-the stupid steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car.

Duncan: You’re a good friend, and I don’t say that often enough.
Jeff: That’s really nice, but you can’t have sex with me.

Abed: Uh-oh.
Chang: I’m fine, I just, um…Do you guys believe in ghosts? And if you do, do you believe what those ghosts tell you about other ghosts?
Annie: Chang, you cannot be on the committee if you’re going to be actively insane.
Chang: I’m not insane, I swear. I just, um…Had a weird experience at the theater last night.
Jeff: You were there?
Britta: Yeah, you were there?
Chang: What do you mean? Of course I was.
Duncan: Huh, I guess we just didn’t see you.
Chang: What if I don’t exist?
Britta: Oh, I got this. I had a very similar night last night. Go home, light some candles, and take a bath.
Chang: Okay, coolsies.

Duncan: Hey. I was thinking off-campus lunch. What’s that tex-mex place that you mentioned?
Dean Pelton: Salsa Von Taco’s? Read my mind!
Duncan: Oh.
Pelton: Oh!
Duncan: No, no.
Pelton: Oh, no no no no.
Duncan: No no no no no.
Pelton: Nah.
Duncan: Oh, okay, yeah.
Pelton: Ah.
Duncan: No, wha…Let’s…
Pelton: No.
Duncan: No, no no.
Pelton: Oh.
Duncan: Well, okay.
Pelton: Ah.
Duncan: You…You just.
Pelton: Eh…
Duncan: Ah. Oh, okay.
Pelton: Ah. I…I just don’t like being left behind!
Duncan: My father got drunk in pubs and left me in my room with nothing!
Pelton: So did mine!
Duncan: Oh, why would he do that!?
Pelton: Why do they do that?
Duncan: Why?
Pelton: Why do they do that?
*both sigh*
Duncan: I won’t go to that tex-mex place.
Pelton: Oh, that’s all I wanted you to say.
Duncan: Hmm?
Pelton: Hmm?

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P.S. Dan doesn't suck.
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