A Community/Rick & Morty/Dan Harmon Fansite (Community season six doesn't suck)


Jeff: Are you a good person being sued, oppressed, or beaten? I can help, and that’s the Winger guarantee!

Repo Guy: Maybe you should’ve spent less money on special effects.
Jeff: Huh, thanks a lot Francis Ford repo man.

Alan: Ohhaaaaaah Jeff Winger! Loser at Law! Rented office in a mini-mall!

Alan: You hear about that bridge that collapsed upstate?
Jeff: A human could’ve said that without salivating.

Alan: Jeff, I once saw you convince an arson victim that he liked his house better burnt.

Alan: Because the next bone you get thrown, might be through a dude’s zipper in the warehouse district. And I can’t guarantee you it’ll be from me.

Jeff: Look, I might be broke, desperate, and nearly homeless, but I still got one thing deep down inside that gives me power *guy takes his drink* that was it, that was all I had.

Dean Pelton *over PA*: Welcome back, human beings. Dean Pelton here, wishing you another magic year at Greendale. Ranked America’s number two community college by greendalecommunitycollege.com. Regarding the recent tragedy surrounding a certain collapsed bridge, we will be observing a moment of silence on the quad followed by four years of silence to the press.

Leonard: I told you you’d be back.
Jeff: Shut up Leonard, I’m not here I’m just a figment of your creeping dementia.
Leonard: *blows raspberry*

Jeff: You’re, uh, Rita.
Rhonda: Rhonda.
Jeff: I’ve always regretted not telling you how much you remind me of my aunt. It’s more disarming than it sounds. I have a very attractive aunt.
Dean Pelton: Rhonda, why are you wearing Jeff Winger’s c-*gasps* Jeffrey. Are you, uh, looking for your friends? They don’t go here anymore. Maybe you’re looking for something that was in front of you the whole time, just a pitch.

Dean Pelton: Jeffrey, I’m gonna cry.
Jeff: Please don’t.
Dean Pelton: Request denied. Mmmm.

Jeff: “Harassment Reports,” “Hazardous Waste Citations,” “Herpes Comma Water Fountains.” Come on, where’s Humphries? Abed: I see your value now.
Jeff: Abed, why?
Abed: I see your value now. It’s a callback to when we met first season. And me calling years “seasons” is a callback to my first season dialogue, and me calling-
Jeff: Abed, I know what makes you off-putting, but why are you here?
Abed: The Dean called me about the Save Greendale Committee. Can I join?
Jeff: Well, I – Oh, no. Who else did he call? –
Abed: Just me, I called everyone else.
*rest of the group runs in excited*
Abed: Is that cool?
Jeff: It’s the coolest.

Abed: We could repilot. This could be like Scrubs season nine, a revamp, a do-over. Jeff could come back to Greendale as a teacher.
Jeff: I’m not gonna be a teacher, Abed. That’s lame.

Abed: Repiloting can be intense. New people show up, regulars shift roles or even fall away. Season nine of Scrubs, Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes.
Troy: That son of a bitch, after everything scrubs did for him!? Sorry.

Alan: I am screwed! My wife left, my girlfriend dumped me. And they’re sisters, so now the whole family’s pissed.

Alan: Winger, you just lost our client!
Jeff: Yeah. But I can create five new ones, and that’s the Winger guarantee.

Annie: Okay, maybe we should bring strong fundraising ideas-
Shirley: Oh!
Annie: That aren’t bake sales –
Troy: Hey.
Annie: Or opening a zoo where the humans are in cages and the animals come to visit.
Troy: G’oh!

Jeff: Well, I can’t stop thinking this school might be in trouble because of this bridge-collapsing guy.
Britta: He’s the one making bad bridges, that’s like me blaming owls for how much I suck at analogies.

Annie: But I administer things to hospitals, like these. Pen?
Jeff: “Futurza”?
Annie: They’re a rising star in pharmaceuticals, they invented fibromyalgia and the cure for fibromyalgia.
Britta: You push drugs now? That’s ironic.
Annie: I push pens, Britta. Speaking of irony, how’s the therapy market? Depressed?
Britta: I’m on sabbatical.
Troy: You’re Jewish?
Britta: I’m doing hands-on research about the psychology of alcoholism.
Shirley: You’re a bartender, aren’t you?
Britta: Which is basically like a modern-day therapist. If somebody tells me about a murder, I can’t tell anyone.
Troy: Wow, you’re even bad at bartending.
Britta: What about you?
Troy: Abed’s working on the next billion-dollar social media app. And when it takes off, all I got to do is sue him. It’s fool-proof.
Jeff: You’re programming now, Abed? Didn’t get any work with your four-year film degree?
Abed: One job, directing a commercial. – Still haven’t been paid.
Jeff: I’ll cut you a check tomorrow, but just so we’re clear, you quit.
Abed: Creative differences.
Jeff: I asked you to put the phone number on the screen.
Abed: I didn’t like the number, 555? It’s derivative.
Jeff: It’s the number of my business.
Abed: It sounds fake. How can every number start with 555? Are there only 10,000 numbers?
Annie: Abed, you quit? You said you got fired. You haven’t paid the rent of our apartment in two months.
Britta: Well, why don’t you sell him a pill that will help him give up on his dreams?
Annie: Relaxabrex doesn’t make you give up on your dreams, that’s a side effect. At least the drugs I sell don’t get slurped out of my belly button.
Britta: That’s only on Tummy Tuesdays!

Shirley: Andre left again. It’s-it’s not like last time. He’s staying with family. He took the boys. He took the dog. He took the DVR, 166 episodes of Bones just gone.

Troy: Do you guys feel weird about doing this without…Magnitude?

Jeff: I forgot what it was like to be good at being bad.

Alan: Jeff – You’re scaring me.
Jeff: Good. Guys like you should be more scared. You trust-funded, body-sprayed, Eli-Roth-DVD owner. You’re an amateur monster, Alan, and you stomped in the grave of a real monster who was willing to stay buried. Because real monsters have shame, because they wish that-you’re not worth the monologue. Give me your tie.
Alan: What?
Jeff: No monologue for you. Give me your tie. *beating Alan with his own tie* That’s for making me go to this school! That’s for making the last four years happen! And now I get to make them un-happen for me and the only people I care about!

Shirley: I failed my husband. I failed my kids. *crying* I’ve failed Bones.
Annie: I’m helping to hook a whole new batch of little Annies on Adderall.
Abed: I’ve been spending so much time with computers, your tears are just ones and zeroes to me.
Shirley: Yeah, you were a real Hallmark card before.
Troy *crying*: I’m much sadder than the rest of you. I will figure out why later.

Britta: And we’ve come to a decision as a group, and please don’t judge us for suggesting it.
Jeff: Hey, I’ll back you up no matter what.
Abed: We decided to re-enroll at Greendale.
Jeff: What? Are you nuts?
Everyone *chanting*: Greendale! Greendale! Greendale! Greendale!

Chang: You guys want to keep it down?
Jeff: Chang?
Annie: Kevin?
Chang: Chang. I’ve dropped the amnesia thing, copped to my crimes, and went to jail. Now I’m on work release.
Shirley: Working as what?
Chang: Math teacher.
Abed: Next, explain the pajamas.
Chang: Well, I’m on work release from house arrest, but I don’t have a home. See this? This won’t let me travel 100 yards from this, and this only has a 30-yard cord. So I can only travel *tries to figure it out* whatever, you do the math.
Jeff: You said you teach math.
Chang: Exactly. I teach it, You do it.

Troy: They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?
Shirley: After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher.
Abed: That’s insane, and I’m Abed.
Annie: Worse than insane. Irresponsible.
Troy: Evil.
Britta: I don’t believe in evil. But this school clearly got a finger up its butt as a child.

Alan: Anyway, I’ll leave you to pick up these pieces. I’m gonna go score some blow, my dealer’s a gym teacher here.

Shirley: You were lying to us?
Jeff: I never lied to you, I showed you the right truth. Britta, when we met, you were an eclectic anarchist. How did you become the group’s airhead?
Britta: Thank you?
Jeff: And, Shirley, you’ve gone from an independent divorcee striking out on her own, to a bankrupt fry cook hoping for a call from her husband. Troy, your entire identity has been consumed by your relationship with another man.
Troy: You found my Clive Owen Tumblr.
Jeff: And what happened to Annie the Unstoppable Go-getter?
Annie: Well, there was that gas leak last year.
Jeff: Oh, don’t blame it all on a gas leak year. This was a four-year process. We went in one end as real people and out the other end as mixed-up cartoons.
Abed: Cool.
Jeff: Sure. This coming from the guy who’s had how many psychotic breaks on campus?
Abed: Are we including the gas leak year?
Jeff: You all came here with a chance to be something, and you all had that taken away from you. Get something back. Seek damages. Sign here.
Troy: But you’re our hero. I mean, in the commercial-
Jeff: The commercial was a lie.
Troy: You staged a robot fight!?
Jeff: Yeah. In real life, the robot wins.
Shirley: Troy?
Troy: If Jeff didn’t change, then Jeff is right. Case closed. Let’s make some money.
Shirley: Okay, Jeff, if this is what you really want to do. I’ll sign.
Jeff: The choice to make is yours.
Annie: No, it’s yours. We’re putting Greendale in your hands.
Britta: Do we all have to say something?
Abed: No, you can just sign it.
Britta: Okay.
Abed: You brought us together.
Jeff: With lies.
Abed: But what you do is above lying, remember? You show us the right truth.
Jeff: You won’t regret this.

Abed: I’d like to take the study room table in back and burn it.
Britta: Burn it? Why?
Abed: The same reason I never returned Time Bandits to Blockbuster. Nobody else deserves it.


*Pierce hologram appears*
Jeff: Jesus!
Pierce: Looks as if you’ve lost your way.
Jeff: Pierce?
Pierce: Continue on this path, and you might miss your last chance to see the Pierce Hawthorne Museum of Gender Sensitivity and Sexual Potency on the central quad. The museum and this hologram were donated in compliance with a court order I’m not allowed to discuss. Let’s just say some women can’t take a compliment.
Jeff *mouths*: Unbelievable.
Pierce: What I am allowed to discuss is Greendale, and I’ll say this. Don’t turn your back on it. Take it from a man with no legal right to be there, you’re in a special place. A crappy place, sure, but only because it gives crappy people a chance to sort themselves out. Did I sound gay at the end? Do you want to do another take?

Dean Pelton: Ahh! Jeffrey, I’m not decent.
Jeff: I know. These are the signatures of the five people that are crazy enough to care about this toilet. And tonight, I almost got them to sue it. Heed the warning!
Dean Pelton: It’s not easy being Dean, Jeffrey!
Jeff: Then stop being the Dean!
Dean Pelton: It’s my whole ideantity! I mean, wah, see what I did there? That’s proof!
Jeff: Get your crap together. Your job is not to hand out degrees. Your job is to make this a toilet that people don’t have to be crazy to care about.
Dean Pelton: But you could stay here and help me save the school.
Jeff: For how much money?
Dean Pelton: I-I can’t offer you any money. I could offer you a job.
Jeff: You just described slavery.
Dean Pelton: I mean, there’s nothing in the budget for school saver, but I could hire you as…
Jeff: *sighs* Screw you, Abed.

Annie: I’d be depressed right now if these samples from work weren’t giving me a new outlook on life. If you’re interested in learning more, *crying* ask your doctor if Joyvatrex is right for you.
Shirley: Oh, honey.
Troy: If we sue Greendale, can I be a surprise witness? Wait. Don’t tell me.

Britta: I’m gonna get a four-year psych degree, then a master’s, and become a real psychologist.
Annie: Or you could find another major.
Britta: A real psychologist.
Shirley: How about English?
Britta: Psychology.
Jeff: All right, what’s important is, no matter what, we’ll be trying to talk Britta into doing something different together.

Dean Pelton: Once more, more teachery.
Jeff: I wanna kill myself.
Dean Pelton: Use that.

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Dan Harmon Sucks © 2017

P.S. Dan doesn't suck.
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