Annie: Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead, is sometimes referred to as Mexican Halloween.
Senor Chang: Which is actually quite offensive to people familiar with Mexican Halloween as a sexual position.
Shirley: My husband’s been gone for six months, I think it’s time I start embracing being single
Pierce: Message received.
Pierce: I cannot figure out the voice command part of this thing. It’s like I’m my mother.
Voice on Phone: Calling mother.
Pierce’s Mom *on phone*: Hello? Pierce?
Pierce’s Mom: How’s school going? Are you popular?
Pierce: I-he-headed through a tunnel right now, I *stammering*. *tries to hangup* Wrong number.
Pierce’s Mom: Has that boy Jeff stopped teasing you? How’s your Canadian girlfriend? *Pierce bangs a chair on the floor* I saw your father’s ghost again, he’s still angry.
Jeff: Bernoulli’s one of my favorites. Little-known fact, statistics were not his only love. He’s also famous for his French sauce used on meat and poultry.
Slater: That’s Bearnaise.
Jeff: Oh, we may need to settle this at a restaurant.
Slater: That’s cute. A little aggressive, but as a busy, confident woman of authority, I’m attracted to men who take charge.
Jeff: Are you being sarcastic, or am I nailing it?
Slater: You were nailing it, until you had to ask.
Jeff: Oh, damn it. Starting over. Hey, you in the skirt, date me.
Slater: I’d like to, Mr. Winger. You’re tall, you dress nice, and I’ve graded enough of your tests to know I’d never feel mentally inadequate.
Jeff: Thank you.
Jeff: I’m barely a student. I’m older than you, I drive a Lexus, I saw Ghost Busters in the theater, look, my gums are receding.
Slater: It’s uncanny how many of my buttons you’re finding, but I have a personal rule about this, and I stick to it.
Jeff: Have a cup of coffee with me. I bet I can change your mind.
Slater: Oh, I know you can. That’s why you’re not getting the chance.
Leonard: Ooh-hoo, hoo-hoo.
Annie: Are you coming to my Dias de los Muertos party?
Jeff: I’m definitely gonna try to swing by.
Annie: Then I can mark you down as definitely being there from 7:00 sharp till upside-down Spanish question mark?
Jeff: Here’s the thing-
Annie: No, here’s the thing. I am putting my foot down, you understand? I am being assertive, and I am making eye contact, and it is achieving results.
Jeff: Are you trying to get formidable with me?
Annie: It worked on Pierce.
Jeff: Infomercials work on Pierce.
Annie: Jeff, you’re the cool guy, okay? If you show up it’ll be the first party I host where everyone doesn’t say they need to get home in time for the news.
Jeff: This won’t work. The last time you did this, I saved I vial of your tears. And I’ve been slowly building up an immunity.
Annie: I was so unpopular in high school, the crossing guards used to lure me into traffic! This party is a second chance at being hip, cool, laid back.
Jeff: Look, I will come to your party.
Annie: Thank you. I’m putting you down for two bags of ice and a sleeve of paper cups.
Abed: Taking a pill?
Pierce: Yes, I am.
Abed: Xenolovaden. My grandpa took that when he was around your age.
Abed: Really helped him with his going problem. But by the time grandpa got up in years, his memory wasn’t great. He’d mix the wrong pills. You know how old people are?
Pierce: Heard stories about it, yeah.
Abed: One time he started hallucinating and ran down the street with no pants on. Which in the Gaza Strip is considered a real party foul, so you should probably be careful
Pierce: Look, I really don’t need your advice, and I’m not your pantsless grandpa.
Troy: Heh. “Pantsless grandpa.” Heh heh.
Annie: I’ve got everyone’s personalized cookie tombstones, por tradicion. And in a few minutes, we’re going to start the dance of the dead, La danza de los muertos.
Senor Chang: You don’t have to keep doing that! .
Jeff: She’s grading papers.
Senor Chang: Professor Slater? She’s not grading papers, she’s at the faculty party in the cafeteria.
Jeff: Oh, look, it’s the eavesdropping matador.
Senor Chang: Are you saying my people are sneaky?
Abed: There’s a storm building on the horizon, but you and I will save the night. Chex Mix, pretzels, baby carrots: predictable but appetizing!
Troy: Can I ask you something I always wanted to ask the real Batman?
Troy: Am I good looking?
Abed: You’re a very attractive young man.
Troy: I knew it!
Pierce: Let’s get this party started!
Britta: Who are you?
Pierce: I am the Beastmaster. From the movie Beastmaster. What rock have you been living under? What are you going as? A gay douchebag? Just kidding.
Jeff: Nice one. I’m not much of a costume guy.
Pierce: Ah no, you’re not much of a liking the ladies guy either, huh? Ooh. Body blow. Ho ho, is that liquor?
Star-Burns: Hey. Oh All right. What are you taking?
Pierce: Huh? Oh. You know, the usual cool stuff. I’ve got ‘ludes, uh, dreamers, Johnny boys.
Star-Burns: Tell you what, I’ll trade you one of mine for two of yours. Hmm?
Pierce: I don’t know, Star-Burns I’m-
Star-Burns: Oh, sorry. I thought I was dealing with the Beastmaster.
Pierce: Hey, hey, who said you weren’t? Heh, heh, heh. Saddle up, fruit pie.
Star-Burns: Don’t mind if I do, may I?
Jeff: You going to the faculty party? Make me your plus one
Senor Chang: Give it up, Winger. Professor Slater doesn’t date students… or married Asians who drive mopeds.
Star-Burns: Is Jeff gone? You know, I’m gonna go. I don’t wanna miss the news.
Britta: He’s going to the faculty party.
Shirley: To be with professor Short Skirt? We hate her.
Britta: No, it’s not about her, Shirley. I can’t believe that Jeff would do this to Annie.
Shirley: Yes, absolutely. It’s about Annie. We should go find that bitch’s car and snap off her antenna.
Annie: It’s like high school all over again. Everyone’s leaving.
Pierce: Not me. I could do this all night. I love you.
Britta: Whoa. Yippy-ky-ye. I thought you weren’t a costume guy?
Jeff: You had to have one to get in here, Squirrel.
Britta: Oh, so where did you get it? ‘Cause I wouldn’t that think any costume stores would be open this late.
Jeff: Well I… don’t know what you’re getting at.
Britta: I think the words you’re looking for are “I own a cowboy outfit” and it is *tight* too. Did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head, I’d say yes.
Slater: Hi. Michelle Slater, PhD.
Britta: Britta Perry, GED.
Slater: Oh, are you a classmate of Jeff’s?
Jeff: Oh, well, when you say “classmate”, It sounds like we take naps together and eat paste, but what’s great about community colleges is that a lot of the students are just as mature as the teachers.
Abed: Jeff, you must return to Annie’s party. She’s feeling unpopular.
Troy: Jeff, Pierce took something, and he is tripping balls. He is touching people and dancing weird, it’s like grumpy old men but not hilarious.
Slater: Is he meowing?
Jeff: Pierce, Pierce, Pierce. Stop grinding on the Women’s Studies department, you are too old to be tripping.
Pierce: I’m old? What do you mean, old? *pats Jeff on the shoulders, sees his hands* Who’s hands are these?
Britta: Shirley? Shirley!
Shirley: This is professor Robin Hood’s office.
Britta: So what are you doing?
Shirley: I’m putting this hose in her desk, and you going outside to turn the water on.
Shirley: To teach that long-neck weave-having bank teller she can’t steal another woman’s man! That’s why.
*during Pierce’s acid trip*
Annie: Pierce, are you okay?
Troy: Hey, man, what’s going on? You have a full-on erection. Just relax, man.
Annie: Just relax. Just relax, okay?
Jeff: You are too old to be tripping!
Skull: You’re going to die!
Annie: Oh Pieeeeeeerrrrrrrce.
Jeff:: You are too old to be tripping.
Annie: Tell me about the Beatles, Pierce. Tell me about Woodstock and Sputnik, Pierce.
Skeletons: You are an old man! You are an old man!
Senor Chang: Do I feel a breeze here? Because someone just struck out!
Jeff: She blew you off too, Chang.
Senor Chang: Is that what you have to fall back on? Look at me, bro. Look at me. I’ve got the body of a fifth grader, okay. If I was working with what you’ve got, she’d be at the Comfort Inn right now giving me a Mexican Halloween.
Jeff: It’s this campus. It feeds on my coolness. I got no moves anymore!
Senor Chang: Moves? Everything’s a game to guys like you. I know one move I bet you’ve never tried in your life.
Jeff: What is it?
Chang whispers something in his ear
Jeff: *walks up to Prof. Slater* Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please. I’m so lonely. I haven’t slept with anyone in a very long time, and you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.
Troy: Jeff, Jeff. Jeff! Pierce is freaking out. You’re the only one that can help.
Jeff: What makes you think that?
Pierce: Is Jeff out there? He’s the only one who can help.
Troy: He says he’s gonna kill himself, but he doesn’t want us to call 911, because he doesn’t want to get in trouble for taking drugs.
Jeff: What in the Pink Floyd?
Pierce: I’m gonna crush myself to death with desks and tables, Jeff!
Jeff: Is that a death befitting a Beastmaster?
Pierce: I never saw Beastmaster, I just wanted to be cool.
Pierce: I’m old, Jeff.
Jeff: Pierce, I don’t know how you spent the first 60 years, but I know in the last two months you’ve probably doubled the national average for amount of life lived per lifetime.
Pierce: Well I do have a young African American friend
Jeff: Yeah. And, more importantly, you’re dressed like a gladiator in a desk fort that you built during a bad trip. If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you’re a hero to everything that’s ever lived.
*the desk fort starts falling down, and Abed drags them out*
Jeff: Are you staying for the party?
Abed: If I stay there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. Where ever a party needs to be saved, I’m there. Where ever there are masks, wherever there’s tom foolery and joy, I’m there. But sometimes I’m not ’cause I’m out in the night staying vigilant, watching, lurking, running, jumping, hurdling, sleeping. No, I can’t sleep. You sleep, I’m awake. I don’t sleep. I don’t blink. Am I a bird? No, I’m a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman. Happy Halloween.
Troy: I’m Batman.
Abed: You sound like cookie monster.
Troy: I’m Batman.
Abed: That’s Batman.
Troy: Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.
Abed: Yeah, it sure does.
Troy: At, like, a candy traffic school. Like, a little gingerbread man at the wheel, and he’s drunk.
Abed: Look out.
Troy: We driving, but you keep wanting to eat yourself.
Abed: All day.
Troy: That’s one of my biggest fears.
Abed: What is?
Troy: If I ever, like, woke up as a donut.
Abed: You would eat yourself?
Troy: I wouldn’t even question it.
Abed: That’d be tasty.
Troy: It’s cool to know other people think about this stuff too.
Abed: Yeah. Yeah.