Shirley: Ohh. Nice day out today, isn’t it?
Jeff: Yeah, shoot.
Britta: You forget something?
Jeff: Yeah, I forgot to stagger the timing of my exit with Shirley’s. We both have a class across campus, and I can’t go that kind of distance with “Ohh, that’s nice.”
Britta: That’s mean.
Jeff: No, “that’s not nice.”
Vaughn: Hey, Britta. Hi, what’s up?
Britta: Hey, Vaughn, how’s it going?
Vaughn: No worries.
Jeff: Interesting, cause I might be worried if I was playing hacky sack a decade too late.
Britta: My class is that way.
Jeff: All right. But I just want to point out that we easily walked more than a hundred yards, with no awkward pauses. And that is the sign of a true friend. So…
Britta: I’m really glad you’re not hitting on me anymore.
Jeff: There’s the awkward pause.
Annie: I’m not looking down on this school at all, but I’m only here because of a brief addiction to pills that I was told would help me focus, but they actually made me lose my scholarship and virginity.
Pierce: It’s for spies and whatnot, gives you sonic hearing.
Abed: All hearing is sonic.
Pierce: What’s that?
Annie: So, who wants to be in a psych experiment?
Pierce: Hey, guys, guys. Annie is talking about some kind of experiment.
Jeff: She’s behind you. Not interested.
Annie: You get paid.
Troy: Do they do stuff to your butt?
Troy: Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
Troy: It’s fine, I’ll do it. I’m in.
Abed: I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe, they never really had stories together. Sure, I’ll do it Chandler.
Annie: Hi, everyone. Hi, Troy. Hi, Abed. Hi, Senor Chang.
Senor Chang: What, a community college Spanish teacher can’t use 80 bucks?
Annie: Well, we’re running just a little bit behind, so we’ll probably start in about five minutes.
Senor Chang: No! No, no! NO NO NO NO! Unacceptable. You lied to me! When you say something starts at nine, it starts at nueve. *leaves, comes back in and knocks a chair over* No, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Duncan: And we’re off.
*In the original broadcast version of this episode, Duncan’s line is “Houston, we have an idiot.”
Shirley: So, Pierce isn’t exactly right in the head, is he?
Jeff: I know a lot of grown men with radar dishes coming out of their ears.
Shirley: He’s like Inspector Gadget.
Jeff: Yeah, go go gadget incontinence.
Shirley: And how about that guy that’s always around flirting with Britta?
Jeff: I know. He’s the worst, Vaughn?
Shirley: I know, what is it with his hair?
Jeff: It’s perpetually moist.
Duncan: And then there were two.
*Troy about to lose it*
Troy: No, no no. Annie! What is going on in there!? I’ve wasted all day CARING for you! *crying* The Soul Train Awards were tonight. You promised BUTT STUFF. *crawls out of the room, crying*
Shirley: I don’t see why you and Britta aren’t together, two cute white people going to school together, it just seems right.
Jeff: Shirley, we’re not pandas in a zoo.
Annie: Sorry you’ve been waiting, 26 hours, it’s just gonna be another five minutes.
Garret: I’m sorry, this guy’s not moving. I have classes to go to.
Duncan: Go, fine. Go kill John Lennon again, you loser! He’s ruined my study, he’s warped the Duncan Principle. Damn you, you outlying piece of datum!
*smacks hand on the TV*
Duncan: Ow, ahhhhh. It’s you, it’s your fault.
Annie: But, you told me to bring subjects.
Duncan: Yeah, subjects. Not Rain Man. I never should have let you into this lab, Miss Annie Fanny, Panties In A Bunch.
Annie: Oh. Oh, that’s so hilarious, did you think of that last time you skipped a trip to the dentist?
Duncan: Oh, let me answer that question with another question. *blows raspberry* It’s not fair! It’s not fair! What are you doing? Put-stop writing. Put your pen-give me that. Get out! Get out, you bunch of dogs! Get out! You have destroyed the Duncan Principle!
Vaughn: You know, people underestimate the elderly, You know, but you see these guys out there And they’re throwing the ‘bee And they’re just loving life.
It’s just inspiring.
Britta: The problem right now is that he’s calling me “baby.” He’s trying to hold my hands. It’s… it’s getting a little relationshipy and… he gave me something.
Jeff *reading Vaughn’s poem*: “Did you ever notice where the ocean meets the sky, did ya? It’s the same wizard blue that i see in your eye, brit-Ta.
Pierce: That’s right. Laugh it up. You guys want to know what they’re doing? –
Pierce: Making fun of all of us. I heard you with my own earnoculars.
Jeff: Pierce, we are not making fun of you.
Pierce: Ah-ha-ha. Calling me “hacky sack” And ripping my–My six pack abs and my moist hair. And that face you made? Well, I think it’s pretty obviously Annie.
Troy: Okay, this is definitely still part of the experiment.
Shirley: Pierce, we were not making fun of you.
Jeff: Yeah. We’re making fun Britta’s boyfriend, Vaughn.
Pierce: Oh, good.
Jeff: Oh my God, my life is Degrassi High.
Jeff: Look, we can still hang out. It’s just… we won’t bag on people.
Shirley: Come on, Jeff, what are we going to talk about? My kids? Your doctor career?
Jeff: I was a lawyer.
Shirley: See, I’m already bored.
Jeff: Is there a spot on the friendship spectrum between total stranger and having to hear about the guys you date? And ideally just a notch underneath driving you to the airport and painting your kitchen?
Britta: How about the friend level when you sometimes have to cat-sit?
Jeff: Done. And if I’m occasionally naked in your dreams, I won’t complain.
Jeff: I know, she’s got a problem. She stirs the pot, she’s a pot stirrer.
Vaughn: Sorry, dudes.
Hippie: No worries, man.
Vaughn: Uh-some worries, man, Some worries.
Jeff: Pierce! Pierce, give me your ear-thing.
Pierce: Got rid of it. You see, Jeff, there are certain things Man was not meant to hear. We were designed, by whatever entity you choose, to hear what’s in this range, And really, this range alone. Because you know who’s talking to us in this range? The people we love.
Jeff: He must have heard us call him Inspector Gadget.
Abed *Imitating stoner*: Oh, i think it’s time For burning man.
Troy *mocking voice*: Ew, I’m Saddam Hussein. Ew.
Abed *Imitating stoner*: Nice to meet you, dude.
Abed *Imitates woman*: Ooh, wow. I love reading and being a desperate housewife.
Troy *Jamaican accent*: Hey, man, coming through. I love de Desperate Housewives.
Troy *Imitating Jeff*: I’m Dr. Doogie Seacrest. I think i’m better than everyone else because i’m 40.
Jeff: I’m not 40. I can hear you through the window, morons.
*the other people look at them*
Troy: Just pretend like you’re asleep. Just pretend like you were sleeping.