Dean Pelton: Good morning, greendale! As you know, it is April fool’s day. Just kidding–it’s the day before April fool’s. See what I did th-
Leonard: Baba booey, baba booey, baba booey.
Dean Pelton: You know what, Leonard? Strike two!
Annie: I want to be security.
Shirley: Let’s do it together, we can be partners.
Abed: That’s a buddy cop movie I would watch. But I wonder which of you would be by-the-book, and which of you would be the bad ass?
Shirley: Oh, Abed, you’re so silly. I’d be the bad ass.
Annie: So what happens in level six?
Pierce: Well, nobody in my hive has ever seen a six. But, uh, from what I hear, I’ll have immunity to germs, heightened psychic ability, and improved night vision.
Troy: Any bonuses to your combat score?
Pierce: I assume I’ll fight better if I can see more. Dumb ass.
Britta: Guys, you realize you’re exploiting the naivete Of a man who is being brainwashed by a cult?
Shirley: Oh, well, it sounds a lot less fun when you say it.
Jeff: Everything does. She’s a buzz kill.
Britta: I’m not a buzz kill.
Annie and Shirley: Mmmm.
Troy: Yeah, that doesn’t really describe it. You’re more of a fun vampire. Because you don’t suck blood, you just suck.
Pierce: Of course, the only one who doesn’t like this is Britta. Do you ever get tired of being a buzz kill?
Dean Pelton: I’m sorry, what is going on here?
Abed: A twist on a classic formula. Normally, with buddy cops, One’s a straight-laced stickler, And the other’s a renegade. But these two have equal claim to both roles.
Dean Pelton: And why are you here?
Abed: Short answer? My cable went out.
Jeff: Britta, why waste your time envying my gift for levity, when there’s so much you could be doing with your natural talent for severity?
Dean Pelton: And what it worse is this wasa brand-new sign, so…I just don’t want this to tarnish our school’s reputation.
Officer Cackowski: Don’t worry, your school’s reputation is way worse than this.
Annie: Mornin’, boys. I’m Annie Edison, but people call me Psycho because I had a nervous break down in high school. My partner’s a Christian house-wife. Can we help you?
Shirley: Actually, can we not help you? I tend to play by my own rules.
Annie: She loves rules, I only have one. Stay out of my way.
Shirley: Stay out of mine, more.
Dean Pelton: The little hat says “Chang” on it. And we ruled out your teacher, because he has a crippling fear of frogs.
Senor Chang: I told you that in confidence!
Britta: If I come forward, It’s gonna play into the whole “Britta’s a buzz kill” mythology.
Jeff: Well, the toe tag fits, Britta. I mean, you single-handedly killed an entire school’s buzz, Not to mention a frog. And according to Glenda, cadaver Harry had 13 nieces and nephews that I’m not interested in meeting. So you better think about coming clean, or I’m just gonna tell everybody you did it.
Annie: Star-burns doesn’t do very much. I guess fascinating people don’t resort to growing shapes on their faces.
Shirley: He makes one false move, and I’m gonna go Shirley on him. That’s what my high school friends called crazy.
Annie: Yeah? Are you gonna go Shirlier than I did When I got addicted to pills?
Shirley: Why are you so concerned with being a bad-ass?
Annie: Maybe I’m tired of everyone thinking of me as a little girl. Maybe I wanna be in charge of how I’m defined.
Shirley: Well how do you think I feel? You have two kids and they stick you in the margins. I’m not done yet, I still got moves!
Annie: I haven’t even started yet! I’ve got moves I haven’t even seen before!
Shirley: What do we have here?
Annie: Looks like enough tiny items to equip an amphibious mariachi band.
Shirley: Of frogs.
Annie: These are not tears! This is self-inflicted friendly fire, okay?
Dean Pelton: I don’t want you to feel judged by this, But your handling of this job has disappointed me. I mean, your high-speed pursuit Caused $78 dollars worth of damages. And you didn’t even get a statement out of Mr. Winger?
Annie: He got away.
Shirley: He ran between two poles.
Dean Pelton: Well, I see how that would be frustrating, but the fact is-
Abed: Your ass is on the line.
Dean Pelton: My ass is on the line.
Abed: You just got off the phone with the Mayor.
Dean Pelton: I just got off the phone with-what!? The Mayor?! Stop doing that!
Abed: I was trying to help, you’re not doing this right.
Dean Pelton: Well, maybe you should do it.
Abed: I am sick and tired of making excuses for you two! You’re an embarrassment to the department! You’re off the case and off the force. Your badges, your windbreakers, now. Now!! I ain’t got all day! Agitatin’ my Sciatica. I’m too old for this! Now get out of my sight. Thought you were bad-asses, huh? Real bad asses work together! Hmm? All I see is a housewife and a girl scout!
Abed: I said get out! And don’t even think about getting near this case! Uh-uh!
*Shirley and Annie leave*
Dean Pelton: Pretty harsh.
Abed: Oh, don’t worry, that’s what they needed.
Jeff: Nice frame up job, Britta-dict Arnold.
Troy: Oh! Colonial burn!
Annie: Well, well, well. Look who we found.
Jeff: Yes, how foolish of me to hide in my regularly scheduled study group.
Pierce: This investigation is going nowhere, You need a psychic.
Pierce: This process may alarm you. Ooh! Gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay. So gay. Ohh, dark nightclub. Aaah, throbbing music. Men’s room–men’s room stall. Penis! Two penises! Oh, this is gay! He’s so gay! Uggh!
Annie: Sit down! We’ll take it from here.
Annie: Jeff, where were you last night?
Jeff: At a bar.
Pierce: Called it!
Shirley: Who can confirm that?
Jeff: Your mama!
Britta: Knock knock! Who’s there? Cancer! Oh, good! Come on in! I thought it was Britta!
Pierce: I wish I was really magic.
Troy: You know you’re not?
Pierce: Yeah. Somebody must have sent these robes by accident. I only pretended I was level six to impress you guys. I got held back! I don’t even deserve this Buddhist meteor wand.
Troy *crying*: It’s not a meteor, it’s a cookie wand. Me and Jeff made because it made you look more like the Cookie Crisp Wizard, which is not even a reference I get because the Cookie Crisp mascot wasn’t a wizard when I was a kid. It was a burglar! I just pretended like I knew because I wanted Jeff to think I was smart!
Pierce: Troy, do you want a bite of my wand?
Troy: I do.
Troy: We really appreciate you doing this.
Jeff: Oh, sure.
Abed: And 3, 2, 1.
Troy and Abed *singing*: Troy and Abed in the mornin’
Troy: And we’re back. Look who’s here, Jeff winger.
Abed: Jeff, how do you stay so fit?
Jeff: Uh, diet, exercise, genetics.
Abed: Sure, sure.
Troy: Okay, so it seems as though we have a clip. You want to set it up for us?
Jeff: Uh, I’d like to, But I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Abed: Okay, we’ll just roll it.
Troy *imitating Jeff*: Ooh, my name’s Jeff Winger.
Abed *imitating Jeff*: Hey, I’m Jeff Winger. I’m so tall.
Troy *imitating Jeff*: Ah, this watch is expensive.
Abed *imitating* Jeff: Muscles are everywhere.
Troy: Oh, that was really funny.
Jeff: You guys, what’s going on? Where are the cameras?
Troy: Oh, we’re not filming this.
Abed: No, who’d wanna watch this?
Jeff: Oh, guys, it’s 6:00 A.M. Jeez!
Abed: We’re not gonna have him back.
Both: Troy and Abed in the Mor-