Abed: I told you cats don’t like me, they consider me a competitor because of my natural stealth and ambivalence.
Jeff: Uh oh, did she get high again and forget she doesn’t wear contacts?
Chang: Cats love me.
Britta: What? Are you sure?
Chang: Mm-hm. Hello there. Well, she is. Is it a he or a she?
Chang: Well, he’s really got his teeth into my flesh right now…OK he’s touching bone. I’m just waiting for him to finish up, not a lot I can do at this point. This was a pretty big mistake. Okay, this is done. *pulls his hand out, has a big wound and is bleeding*
Chang: See you tomorrow, I’m pretty embarrassed about this.
Abed: Britta’s fallen on hard times and our apartment’s the cheapest game in town.
Britta: Abed, it’s a little embarrassing when you put it that way.
Abed: Britta’s a rich genius with super powers and she’s gonna live on our sofa for no reason.
Dean Pelton: Guess what I just purchased for the school from a local manufacturer, Greendale’s first virtual reality operating system.
Frankie: Did Greendale need a virtual reality system?
Dean Pelton: Uh, like a hole in the head.
Frankie: A hole in the head is something you don’t need.
Dean Pelton: She said through a huge hole in her head.
Jeff: Britta, something’s come up. *to the Dean* I’d love to.
Britta: Yeah, yeah, at least you don’t have to bust out your usual excuse.
Jeff: You don’t know for sure that I’m not a veteran, nobody can say for sure that today isn’t Veteran’s Day.
Chang: Hi, I got bit by a cat.
Annie: Chang, we know.
Chang: Why are you guys and all these books in the nurse’s office?
Dean Pelton: Have fun in the Stone Age while I stop into the third dean-mension.
Jeff: When entering virtual reality, you should calibrate the system by looking at your own hands, then turning them over and looking at the backs of them with a sense of wonder.
Dean Pelton: I know what this is. Ahaha! I set the time zone. I set the TIME zone!
Jeff: And my phone does that automatically.
Dean Pelton: I’m gonna see if I can make the font bigger. *moves his arms around like an idiot* The font is larger! And Jesus wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer!
Abed: Portuguese Gremlins.
Annie: Portuguese Gremlins, ooh.
Abed: It’s Portugal’s answer to Gremlins if Gremlins’ question was how can you totally rip us off without spending any money and having watched us maybe twice?
Annie: Chit-chu chit-chu, that’s what the Portuguese Gremlins say, right?
Abed: It’s close enough.
Dean Pelton *running in place and waving his arms around*: I did it! It’s 2:39.
Frankie: That was the time when you started setting the time, it’s 20 minutes later now.
Dean Pelton: The power, the facility. Jesus wep-
Jeff: Stop saying Jesus wept.
Dean Pelton: Is settings the volcano or the cobbler’s workshop?
Jeff: It’s a monastery.
Dean Pelton: This is the future of scrolling!
Dean Pelton: HahahahaahAHAAHAHAHAHA! I have no intention of returning this system. On the contrary, I intend to keep it!
Frankie: Dear God.
Dean Pelton: Hrrraaah! Delete!
Voice: One file selected.
Dean Pelton: Oh, hold on. *shoots a virtual arrow*
Voice: File sorted.
Dean Pelton: What? Oh, come on. *jumps at the file* Come here you little! *drowns the serial # file* Don’t fight it, just let go.
Voice: File deleted.
Dean Pelton: JESUS WEPT!
Annie: So are the gremlins supposed to be the good guys in this version?
Abed: The blue ones are. The green ones are bad and the red ones are kind of like isolationists. It’s a metaphor for World War II.
Dean Pelton: I will create more worlds, and those worlds will have worlds!
Jeff: They’re file folders stop calling them worlds.
Jeff: I’ll go see if I can get the school’s money back, you keep White Morpheus inside the matrix.
Britta: They’ve been sabotaging my life from the shadows by paying off my debts and buying me things.
Jeff: And having met them, what were you rebelling against? Was it generosity, whimsical game nights, or delicious lobster bacon mashed potatoes?
Britta: You ate their potatoes? You, you don’t even eat carbs.
Jeff: Chang, go see the nurse!
Chang: I’m trying.
Jeff: The problem ius in order to copy a file, you have to throw a fireball at it, then absorb the fire, then drop the flaming file into a crystal lake, then take out both copies and throw them into the side of a mountain.
Jeff: Lawnmower Man? Did you see Lawnmower Man?
Elroy: You bet your sweet ass I saw Lawnmower Man!
Elroy: Get out of my Winnebago!
Jeff: You’re not allowed to say that like it’s a punishment.
Britta: This is a check for all the dirty money you have used to control and monitor me without my consent.
George: Well we’re not gonna cash this.
Britta: Well, you can’t. I postdated it a year. And in that year, I’m gonna get a new job, new friends, in a new city where you and your spies can never find me.
George: I mean, every time we get too close, you run off. We sent you a birthday card to your apartment in New York, and the next week you’re setting fire to a Jamba Juice in San Jose.
Britta: How long is that gonna stick with me?
Deb: Until arson is legal, sweetie.
George: Tinder, and the like.
Britta: It’s called Tumblr Dad.
George: No, I mean Tinder. It’s a matchmaking app, and by the way, if you were on Tinder. Your mom and I think you’d be the prettiest.
Deb: Absolutely, the boys would be swiping right.
George: Or girls. Whatever makes you happy.
Britta: What has happened to you two? Who are these doddering open-minded geezers? Where are the people who wouldn’t let me dress up like Prince for Halloween? Or told me the cat ran away because I tried alcohol? Or had me drug tested when I was 11 because they said I was laughing too much?
Abed: Green Machine, nice.
Dean Pelton: Oh my god! I put a tilde on this n! I can do anything.
Jeff: Hey, Dean. I’m coming over and I’m pulling you out of there.
Dean Pelton: I’ll bite you.
Jeff: I’ll beat you up.
Dean Pelton: I’ll like it and then I’ll fire you and then I’ll get right back in it.
Elroy: How long has he been in there?
Jeff: Four hours.
Elroy: Oh, I was thinking weeks.
Elroy: To use a phase I coined in the 90s, I’m going in.
Jeff: You coined that?
Elroy: Oh yeah, lock and load. That’s mine too.
Britta: My friends, they all think my parents are adorable, and they think I’m the bad guy for hating them. But I have a right to hate them cuz I had to be there when they sucked.
Frankie: Yeah. Jimmy Fallon syndrome, I get it.
Frankie: How many quarters were in this cup holder?
Britta *obviously lying*: The same amount.
Elroy: He’ll be back to his old self in an hour.
Jeff: Great, do you have a way to fix that?
*It’s in the way that you use it!*
Abed: What happened to the kid’s Green Machine?
Britta: I don’t know, I ditched it.
Abed: Where and how long ago. Okay I assume that’s not what’s important here.
Britta: Frankie taught me something important. It doesn’t matter how mature we are or what resentments we carry. All that matters is that we’re all going to die.
Frankie: *looks around* You have… a lovely home.
Jeff: I’ll never get out of here, will I?
Dean Pelton: I haven’t met many that do.