A Community/Rick & Morty/Dan Harmon Fansite (Community season six doesn't suck)

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Annie: Troy, is that a casserole?
Troy: It’s Bagel Bites in a deconstructed Hot Pocket reduction with a Doritos glaze. I just really wanna make my food, you know?

Officer Cackowski: Oh, yes. I’m very familiar with Inspector Spacetime. You think a guy becomes a cop because his prom night was a dream? If this were Comic-Con I’d take a bullet for that kid. But here in the real world, trespassing is a crime.

Officer Cackowski: Hey, before I go. You really shouldn’t be using this to prop open your building’s door. This is an antique fire brick, I’d say pre-Civil War. Note the uneven orange hue and the embossment on the back. Quite a nifty little piece of Americana you could get fifty, sixty bucks for it from the right collector.
Officer Cackowski: I watch a lot of Antiques Roadshow.

Officer Cackowski: Anyway, walk to your cars in pairs tonight, rapes up eight percent.

Troy *excited*: Sixty dollars? Hello? Rich people? Troy’s joining you, yes I’ll hold.

Dr. Heidi: Well, Abed. I don’t deal in crazy, I deal in help. So how long has Abed needed a crazy amount of help?

Shirley: I rented Tower Heist last night, and I will not spoil the ending but let me tell you it was quite the hilarious thrill ride. That Brett Ratner, mm, he’s a master at comedic action-adventure. Mm. I master at storytelling. He’s just a master at making movies in general. I’m gonna say it, he’s the new Spielberg.
*fork clatters*
Abed: I have to go.
Shirley: Okay.
Abed: You’re a bad person. You’re a bad person.

Abed: Time enough at last to eat a sandwich. Though even he knew that this sandwich was nearer his last sandwich than his first.
Pierce: A-bed I’m trying to eat.
Abed: He said, oldly. His brittle bones straining to support the weight of his wrinkly skin.
Pierce: Stop narrating me.
Abed: He shouted to no one, just a man alone in time with nothing but the cold squishiness of tuna salad to comfort him.
Pierce: I take it back, I don’t wanna be in your novel.
Abed: Fierce Rawthorne has nearly lost his grip on reality, lately he’d be begun to think he was in a novel.

Jeff: Who among us hasn’t had the odd banana in his or her pants, right?
Britta: I have. Heh. Heh. Heh.

Britta: How long does peyote last? Just…asking for a friend.

Annie *singing*: Troy and Abed and Annie in the morning
Troy: What are you doing?
Annie: Nothing.
Troy: Nothing my ass, what are all these cameras doing here?

Jeff: Here, take my coat.
Annie: Oh, thank you. That’s so sweet.
Jeff: Just don’t eat anything, or drink anything. And no sweating or bending at the elbows and no chairs with backrests, and if you take it off, wooden hangers only. You’re probably warm now, right?

*Troy drives into the study room on an ATV*
Troy: Good news, guys. I spent all my money.
Annie: Troy, you can’t bring that in here.
Troy: Yes I can, it’s all-terrain dummy.

Troy *super excited*: “Karate championship, second place.” Now I’ll be unstoppable!
*tries to karate chop the table*
Britta: So you see, what you call insanity, we call solidarity. *squeezes Troy’s hand*
*Troy pulls his hand back in pain*
Britta: Oh, I’m sorry.
Troy: We just finished telling him about it, and you grab it and squeeze it?

Dr. Heidi: And so as a group do you always indulge Abed in these little misadventures?
Troy: Take that back. Our adventures are very manly!

Dr. Heidi: No, I mean an institution.
Jeff: You mean like marriage?
Dr. Heidi: I mean a mental institution.
Jeff: Ah. So do I. Will someone please help me lighten the mood?

Troy *sobbing*: Please, Mr. Dr. Psychiatrist, sir. Please don’t send my best friend to crazy people jail.

Woman 1: Bananas?
Prof: Yes.
Man 1: Toast?
Prof: Yes.
Man 2: Bubblegum?
Prof: Yes.
Woman 2: Pancakes?
Prof: Yes.
Woman 3: Fries?
Prof: Get out. Get out. There’s one every year, I will not tolerate clowning.
Woman 4: Car keys?
Prof: Yes.

Professor: Welcome…*climbs a ladder* to ladders.
*students cheering*

Pierce: I’m a millionaire, I’m an inventor, I’m a legend, and I had sex with Eartha Kitt.

Pelton: It’s sad. Should we increase their lithium.
Garret: Not yet. I want to see what happens if we confiscate one of their pens.

Annie: Why would you lie to make us think we were crazy?
Dr. Heidi: Because Ms. Edison, Greendale is purgatory, and I am the devil.
Jeff: What?
Troy: I knew it.
*Jeff slaps Troy*
Jeff: Stop letting him make you realize stuff.

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Dan Harmon Sucks © 2017

P.S. Dan doesn't suck.
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