Abed [singing]: Give me the snow, light up the trees, deck every hall, and while you can see. Roast every nut, mistle the toe, this needs to be the best Christmas since the original. 20,000 years from now they’ll say, the most successful Christmas was today.
Security Guard: Okay, we got him. We got him, he’s down.
Troy: Whoa who taught you therapy, Michael Jackson’s dad?
Abed: If I can find the meaning of Christmas, everything will go back to normal.
Pierce: What do you care about Christmas, Abed? You’re Muslim. Don’t your people spend this season writing in angry letters to TV Guide?
Abed: It’s true, religiously I’m Muslim, but I’ve always been a big fan of Christmas. And this is the most important Christmas in the history of the universe, I’m assuming that’s why we’re all stop-motion animated.
Jeff: I vote we let it go.
Jeff: Abed, does the word clearly mean the same thing to you as it does to normal people?
Pierce: It’s probably Arabic for “not clearly.”
Troy: You really expect me to tarnish the high five for that?
Abed: It’s the first season of Lost on DVD.
Pierce: That’s the meaning of Christmas?
Abed: No, it’s a metaphor. It represents lack of payoff.
Abed: Everyone be perfectly sincere. Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm.
Jeff: Wow. Somewhere out there Tim Burton just got a boner.
Abed: Fair warning, guys. A journey through winter wonderland tends to test your commitment to Christmas. So when I say test, I mean Wonka-style. I’m talking dark. My advice: Stay honest, stay alert, and for the love of God, stay between the gumdrops.
Annie: Ooh, can I sing one?
Annie [singing]: Bitter shallow hipster, sweater matching socks. Christmas needs more presence than a haircut in a box.
Troy: Annie, nice.
Annie: Get what I did with the word “presence”?
Abed [singing]: Britta-bot, programmed badly, wires with fraying ends. Functioning mad and sadly, no faith in herself, or friends.
Pierce [singing]: Music and cookies and liquor and trees, that’s what Christmas is for.