Troy: Jeff, what do you do when you and your best friend want to ask the same girl to Valentine’s Day but neither of you have dibs ’cause both of you fell in love with her at the first sight?
Jeff: Well, I don’t believe in dibs, or love at first sight, or love, or best friends, or doing things, but it’s good you brought this to me.
Paige: For the record, I never thought you were cool. I only thought you were a lesbian.
Duncan: In England everything means ‘vagina.’
Jeff: What are you doing here Chang and how do you know where I live?
Chang: I can answer both of those questions by returning your driver’s license.
Duncan: Worried that your six-headed ball and chain will be calling?
Annie: So like…do you change clothes in front of her?
Britta: Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a little bit homophobic.
Annie: It’s homophobic to ask questions?
Britta: If you have to ask if it’s homophobic to ask questions, haven’t you already answered your own question?
Annie: …Have I?
Britta: Don’t know, not a homophobe.
Helicopter Pilot: If doctors are so smart, why are there millions of them?
Britta: You know what, maybe we all need some space, to pull the knife out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt-rock band of the mid-90s you selfish, jaded ass!
Jeff: Count me out.
Shirley: We can’t count you out, he listens to you.
Jeff: Well he also listens to the Barenaked Ladies. Go get their dumbasses to help you.
Troy: OK you are clearly in a bad place today, but Pierce is our friend. And the Barenaked Ladies are triple-platinum, are you?
Britta: That’s my friend Paige, she’s cool but whatever.
Troy: She’s cute.
Britta: Oh Troy, before you go barking up that tree I have to tell you that she might not be interested.
Annie: Why wouldn’t she be…ah! Oh…is she…a friend of Ellen?
Britta: Yes Annie, but you can say the word. Paige is a..lesbian!
Britta: Pierce, as someone who’s been calling me a lesbian for the last year and a half I’m sure that you don’t have anything to say about me being friends with one.
Pierce: Nothing off the cuff, what I do have is prepared statement.
[Title Sequence] Pierce: And, in summation, good luck, and bon apatite.
Jeff: Many, many paragraphs are that were oddly supportive.
Pierce: Wait till you hear the one I have for you.
Troy: I wish I was a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.
Duncan: I’ll see you at precisely 6:30, or as the English call it. Gravedigger’s Biscuits.
Leonard: Where the white women at?
MAGNITUDE: Yo yo yo yo yo, pop pop!
Pierce: YOU GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!
Britta and Paige: Screw you!
Paige: And for the record, I never thought you were cool, I only thought you were a lesbian.
Jeff: It’s been very interesting getting to know you all much, much better.
Jeff: Starburns, Leonard, Magnitude…pop POP, Swizzle, Scandalous, C-Dub, Tim, Mighty D, Glisten, goodnight everyone, faster move it, thank you.
Jeff: What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?
Jeff: Pierce, take it from an expert. These people are just outside your heart. Let them in, before it’s too late.