Britta: Hey, hi, hey I’m Jeff’s dad.
Jeff: Hi Jeff’s dad, I’m Britta’s dad.
Britta: What? Why?
Jeff: I don’t know, got drunk, didn’t have a condom, and her mom get’s freaky when she hears oingo boingo.
Britta: Oh god I wish I could relate, but much like my son I’m a closet homosexual.
Jeff: Don’t apologise for that, you’re talking to the guy that banged Britta’s mom. I have no standards.
Britta: Well what do you say we take a tumble, I’ll put on a wig.
Jeff: That’s it, you’re under arrest. I’m an undercover cop.
Britta: It’s not illegal to be gay.
Jeff: It is here in Iran.
Britta: Not when we’re in the GREEN ZONE!
Jeff: That’s Iraq stupid.
Britta: Well what do I know I’m Jeff’s dumb gay dad.
Pierce: You guys think I’m some sort of a joke!
Jeff: This isn’t disproving the theory
Britta: Thank god he didn’t take it. Could you imagine bouncing a check to Kunta Kinte?
Jeff: If you’re lying to me, if my father isn’t coming, if a car pulls up and anyone other than my father steps out, say an actor or you in a wig, if you pull any Ferris Bueller, Parent Trap, Three’s Company, FX, FX2: the Deadly Art of Illusion bull— I will beat you. And there will be nothing madcap or wacky about it.
Shirley: I guess the lesson here is I sometimes use guilt as a weapon.
Abed: What are you doing?
Shirley: Oh, just shooting a talking head. Or did you want me to be the only one who didn’t have one?
Troy: Set phasers to love me!
Troy: I’ve told Pierce a thousand times, I never wanted to meet Levar in person! I just wanted a picture! You can’t disappoint a picture! I hate you Pierce! I hate you so much!
Shirley: Now I’m really getting mad. Why am I the only one he decided to torture?
Pierce: I was never one to hold a grudge, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I’ll always hate him for that.
Britta: It’s called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.
Troy: Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly. We’re gonna get that show back on the air buddy!
Pierce: Britta, you’re the selfless one in the group, right?
Britta: Wouldn’t know, haven’t thought about myself in years.
Annie: I don’t want to die in a place like this. People shouldn’t die in the same place as people in magazines do.
Pierce: Since in my absence you’ll be the new black sheep – I’m sorry, that’s offensive – black swan, I want you to have this.
Troy: My third wish would be for a million wishes, but I’d just use them all on a million signed photos of LeVar Burton.
Nurse: Mr. Hawthorne is ready to commence his bequeathing.
Troy: Shouldn’t you be telling that to an orderly?
Annie: We know there’s no point Jeff, we kinda just felt like feeling it.
Shirley: Yeah Jeff, what are you, Abed? Oh – sorry Abed!
Troy: Every time I need to cheer up I just make fun of Pierce, but now it would just make me sadder. It’s Gregory Hines all over again.
Pierce: It was the pills, they just took me over. I saw awful things: aliens, demons, Critters 3, and something called Bruce Willis Surrogates.
LeVar Burton: More fish for Kunta.
Nurse: Mr. Hawthorne is requesting Sour Face.
Britta: Knock knock.
Pierce: Is that you death?
Britta: It’s Britta.
Britta: Do you know what Dylan Thomas said about death?
Pierce: No, tell me.
Britta: Ok, bluff called.