Annie: I’m so glad this tragedy overshadowed Haiti. I didn’t have any ideas for that.
Jeff: Did you guys hear about that turtle in China? Two packs a day.
Jeff: Look, if you guys just let me get to the can opener, I can feed you.
Shirley: Everybody has some sort of service for the departed. Eskimos, witch doctors, Jewish people.
Annie: Oh, cool. We made the list.
Jeff: Look, you guys make fun of me for not caring about religion. But at least I’m dedicated enough to not caring, to let you have your own beliefs. Can’t Pierce have his? Can’t you be cool like me? *on his phone* Hello?
Troy: He ends so many of his speeches that way.
Pierce: Her body’s being vaporized as we speak.
Troy: What does that feel like?
Pierce: They say it’s the greatest feeling ever. Like the second when the fudge on your sundae is still hot Or when you’re the first one to break in a new boob job.
Duncan: So, what is anthropology? Seriously, does anyone know? *Annie raises her hand* You, in the boobs.
Chang: Proceed, Dr. Teeth.
Nurse Jackie: Well, I can’t be the first person to tell you That the temple doesn’t last forever. I mean, it’s made of hamburger. This is a, this is a temple of doom. And you know what? Like the real Temple of Doom, It represents the inconvenient fact that all good things, be they people or movie franchises. Eventually collapse into sagging, sloppy, rotten piles of hard to follow nonsense.
Nurse Jackie: Let’s get goin’! Those paps aren’t gonna smear themselves.
Shirley: How’s it going with the little side project that just the two of you are doing?
Annie: it’s great, I made $236, plus Britta’s makes…Well, all totaled, we’re close to 250 right, Britta?
Britta: Mm hm.
Annie: Greendale cares about this issue.
Britta: Yeah, I don’t think that’s it.
Annie: What do you mean?
Britta: Come on Annie, you know guys are giving you money because of the whole sexy schoolgirl routine.
Annie: I have a routine?
Britta: Yeah. You know, the one where you use posture as an excuse to stick out your chest. And you laugh at guys’ unfunny jokes, pretending not to know they have a sock at home with your name on it.
Annie: Um, that’s me. And if a guy wants to make a puppet of me, that’s hardly your concern.
Shirley: Well, I just may be an outsider here because I was never called to participate, but it seems to me that Britta’s upset that she’s raising less money than you.
Britta: Yeah, I’m raising less money because I’m not jump-starting date rapists.
Annie: Bitter much?
Britta: Say “bitter much” much?
Annie: Say “say ‘bitter much’ much” much? It’s not my fault, I used to wear a back brace.
Shirley: That’s why.
Duncan: So, where did we get to yesterday?
Jeff: We were talking about humanity, which starts with birth, and ends with death.
Duncan: True, all life ends in death, which we, as a species are cursed with knowing. Resulting in…*writing* something. Again, this is really not my field.
Pierce: You gain levels, and at a certain point you actually CAN eat a ghost.
Abed: I have a question. You said your mother went from a solid to a vapor. Do people in your religion ever take liquid form? Like the creatures in the abyss, or children’s Tylenol?
Pierce: That’s a good question. Actually, when Buddha returns, We all take liquid form And merge into a shimmering ocean of knowledge. Which, according to scripture, tastes like Hawaiian Punch.
Britta: Hey! I like, need to save the pelicans, they’re all feathery and pelicany, I wuv them! Thank you. Wow, it really is easy to raise money when you sell out your gender.
Annie: I’m sure it’s even easier when you’re not standing next to this. Hey jerk! You’re stupid! Gimme money, I know more than you.
Britta: Oh, I don’t know anything, I need boys. Saving the planet makes my back hurt.
Annie: Oh, I obviously don’t need guys for anything, that’s why I wear stripper boots during the day. And eat only celery and mustard for lunch!
Britta: Oh I never stop smiling.
Annie: I never start!
Britta: My sweaters keep shrinking!
Annie: I get up an hour early to ever-so-slightly curl my hair.
Shirley: Yeah, you’re both so different. Skinny bitches.
Duncan: Hold on a sec. I need to use my force field to prevent Chang from getting food.
Duncan: Look The way I see it, while claiming to have no religion, You were actually devoutly worshiping yourself.
And now that your god has high cholesterol, You’re trying to kick Pierce’s in the balls.
Jeff: You’re right. All I’ve been trying to do is crush Pierce’s faith to feel better about dying.
Jeff: And now that I realize that that was my goal
Jeff: I can really roll up my sleeves And get it done.
Duncan: There it is.
Jeff: Thank you!
Duncan: You’re welcome. No, that wasn’t what I-actually, I don’t care.
Jeff: Guess what, I’m not actually taking them for ice cream. I am taking them to the county morgue Where I have confirmed that Pierce’s mother’s Very un-vaporized corpse Will be lying on a stainless steel slab For all to see. Surprise! Welcome to reality. Welcome to death.
Britta: Have fun.
Annie: Good luck.
Jeff: Wow, you guys are real downers. I can’t believe I made out with both of you.
*Annie and Britta are fighting, covered in oil
Duncan: Now, this is why I came to America.
Troy: She spent her last moments alive making a CD? That is gangster!
Pierce’s Mom: Pierce, you found the CD, Which means I’m dead.
Pierce’s Mom: I’m not vaporized. I’m gone, Pierce. Gone forever and that’s how I like it. Life is only worth a damn because it’s short. It’s designed to be consumed, used, spent, lived, felt. We’re supposed to fill it with every mistake And miracle we can manage. And then we’re supposed to let go. I can’t force you to do that for yourself, Pierce. But you can’t force me to stay. And if you unscrew the top of that stupid thing, you’ll see it was made in china. I love you, son. Good-bye. I’ll play myself out.
Duncan: What? Whoa! Busted! 25 feet!
Chang: Which puts you in violation Of this restraining order I filed against you For abusing me with your restraining order!
Duncan: Mutually assured destruction. Well played, Chang.
Chang: Thank you. That…that means a lot.