Rick and Morty Quotes

Dale (aka Giant Dan Harmon): I smell the blood of whoop! *crunch* *groaning*
Morty: Holy crap.
Rick: Oh, boy. He looks pretty bad down there, Morty. Looks like he’s bleeding out.
Dale’s Wife: Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches!
Morty: Oh, man.
Rick: Uh-oh.
Dale’s Wife: *speed-dialing* Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He’s dying!

Mr. Meeseeks: Excuse me. I’m a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game?
Samantha: Oh, my god, Oh, my god! *crying* What about your short game?!

Morty: I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were.
Rick: I don’t know, Morty. Some people’d pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough.

Rick: I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Mr. Meeseeks: Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until our job is done.
Mr. Meeseeks: The job can’t be done! We’ll never get two strokes off his game!
Mr. Meeseeks: No, we won’t. But we will get all strokes off his game.
Mr. Meeseeks: Where’s he going with this? What’s he mean?
Mr. Meeseeks: When we kill him!

Jerry: Well, I’m intervening.
Beth: Intervening with puberty? You’ll turn him into Ralph Finnes in Red Dragon. He is at that age, let’s just be proud of him.
Summer: Jesus, did I really set the bar that low?
Morty: Rick, could you come with me please? Quickly!
Beth: OK, now if we here squeaking we intervene.

Rick: Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow into something dangerous.
Jerry: Like the Insane Clown Posse.
Rick: Yeah, good one, Jerry. 2003 called, it wants its easy target back.

Summer: And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.

Summer: Grandpa Rick, where are we going?
Rick: Well obviously Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?
Summer: *gasps* Ticketmaster.

Jerry: And it was born on America’s soil which entitles it-
Beth: Jerry, majoring in civics was your mistake. Don’t punish us for it.

Leonard: Your mother and I have shared body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door, it’s an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment.
Jerry: Dad, please. What are you saying?
Beth: Whatever it is, it’s beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.
Jerry: Hey, speak for yourself, because it *laughs nervously* sounds like you’re about to say Jacob is your lover.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother’s lover. *chuckles* I watch them sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. *smooches*
Jacob: Oh. Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It’s incredible. *chuckles*
Summer: Happy human holiday, Dad.

Morty: Oh, my god! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates of the Pancreas?
Rick: you got a problem with that last one, Morty?
Morty: Huh? No, no. I’m just reading ’em out loud in the order that I’m seeing ’em.
Morty: *screams* Rick! It’s a monster!
Rick: No, no, no. Morty. The only monster here is alco*belches*holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.

Summer: Dad, I’m not giving you my phone.
Jerry: Put it in the stocking, summer, or I’m joining Facebook.
Summer: *gasps*

Dr. Bloom: That’s bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?
Poncho: Everybody, get back!
Dr. Bloom: Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me?
Poncho: That’s right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I’ll take the highest bidder–Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday-bonus-giving mother-.

Ethan: Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park?
Rick: Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They’re inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck ’em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.
Ethan: Cool. And who pays me?

Morty: Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
Rick: What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is don’t think about it.

Jerry: God? God’s turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I’m the one beating them to death. Thank me.