Season One

Mr. Needful: I mean seriously, I may be “the devil” but your Grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell where everyone thinks I’m smart and funny.

Scroopy Noopers: Is everyone in your family an idiot?
Morty: For sure, me and my dad are.

Jerry: I think I know what the “A” in N.A.S.A. stands for.

Goldenfold: This aftershave made women want me but it also made me impotent!
Mr. Needful: A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. *laughs*
Goldenfold: *sobbing* Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! I deserved this!
Rick: This serum should *burps* couteract the negative effects.
Goldenfold: Holy cats! Ladies let’s get out of here. I haven’t learned a thing!

Summer: Grandpa, go home and drink.

Scary Terry: Buckle up, bitch!
Morty: Man, he sure says “bitch” a lot!
Scary Terry: You can run, but you can’t hide, bitch!

Rick: Listen, tonight we’re gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we’re gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A’s in math, Morty. That way you can, you know, y-you’re gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time.
Morty: Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn’t you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?
Rick: Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it.

Rick: If you get killed in someone else’s dream, you die for real, Morty.
Morty: What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh!
Rick: Don’t be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Morty. Just do the same thing here, and we’ll be fine!

Snuffles: Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?
Summer: Oh, wow. That’s an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.
Snuffles: Do not call me that! “Snuffles” was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.
Summer: Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You’re scaring me.
Snowball: Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

Rick: It’s a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people’s dreams, Morty. It’s just like that movie that you keep crowing about.
Morty: You talking about “Inception”?
Rick: That’s right, Morty. This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it’s gonna maybe make sense.
Morty: “Inception” made sense.
Rick: You don’t have to try to impress me, Morty.

Summer: Drummer drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum Christmas drums.
Leonard: Oh, sing it, Summer.
Summer: Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y!

Dr. Bloom: That’s bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?
Poncho: Everybody, get back!
Dr. Bloom: Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me?
Poncho: That’s right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I’ll take the highest bidder–Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday-bonus-giving mother-.

Morty: Hey, just so you know, I-I-I’m actually 14. So, you know…
Annie: What?
Morty: Not 12.
Annie: Okay.
Morty: You know, because he just said I was 12.
Annie: Oh. Good for you.
Rick: Oof. Ugh. Morty. Strike one.

Jacob: Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.

Jerry: Now, remember no tv, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday.

Rick: Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it’s gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, I-I-I-It’ll be really easy to rape us after that.
Morty: We’re gonna be okay, Rick.
Rick: How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Morty. You know, w-w-w-what do you think’s gonna happen, some magical angel’s gonna show up and then-
Lawyer: Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I’m from a tiny-persons advocacy group and I have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore free-fi to fo-home.
Rick: W-What the hell is he talking about?
Lawyer: They’re free to go, is what i meant. I-I-I’m deconstructing our our our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that? Whatever.

Rick: *panting* run! *gasps* Morty, do it! Hit the button now!
Morty: I can’t do it, Rick! They’re my parents and sister!
Rick: Morty, I already told you it’s not your family! They’re clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension’s future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already!