Season One

Tammy: I like your feathers.
Birdperson: They are designed to attract the attention of the female.
Tammy: It’s working.
Birdperson: Tammy, I should let you know I just got out of a highly intense soul bond with my previous spirit mate.
Tammy: I’m not looking to get into a soul bond. I’m just looking for…
Birdperson: I believe Birdperson can arrange that.

Rick: Yo! What up my Glip Glops?!

Beth: Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge.
Rick: I know, c-can we wrap this up? Morty and I *burps* have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.
Beth: Hey, don’t blow me off. I am drawing a line, okay? Any damage to this house or these children when we get back…and n-no more adventures with Morty.
Morty: Aw, geez, Rick, if my mom who’s the one saying it, then you know it’s pretty serious this time.
Beth and Jerry: That’s right.
Jerry: Wait, what?
Rick: Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything’s gonna be fine. And if not, no more adventures or whatever. It’s like that old song, “Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop.” Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? Y-You know, the black effeminate guy from the ’50s? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip.
Jerry: Not one thing out of place. *starts car, backs out of driveway* Not a single thing. *drives away*
*Eels melt through garage door, door falls off*
Summer: Well, we’re past the point of no return. I’m going to have a party!

Summer: What do you mean you’re having a party? Are some Glip-Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something?
Rick: “Glip Glop?” You’re lucky a Traflorkian doesn’t hear you say that.
Summer: Is that like their N-word?
Rick: It’s like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

Lucy: You’re gonna draw me. Then, you’re going to fuck me in that car over there.

Tophat Jones: Oh, I love me Strawberry Smiggles! Ooh, I hope nobody ever gets my hands on me, and tries to steal my Strawberry Smiggles. I’m going to eat every last one of them, because and then they’ll be in my stomach, and nobody will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they’re going to be all inside my stomach. I’m my name is Mister Top Hat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sniggy, little pig-dul smiggles. I’m keeping ’em all for me. Last bite. Oh, now they are all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am I feeling good. No! Get away from me! Get away from me and my Strawberry Smiggles! No! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! It hurts! My entrails are out! Why would you even want to eat these? They’re soaked with my stomach acid! Oh, Jesus Christ! Lord and savior and spirit! Save me! Take me to the light! Oh, my God, I see Demons! I see demons are coming!
Morty: Jeez, Rick. Oh my god! That’s some pretty hardcore stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.
Rick: Well, you know, Morty, I mean, you want to sell boxes of cereal, you gotta, you gotta, pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Morty.

Real Fake Doors Guy: Hey, are you tired of real doors, cluttering up your house, where you open ’em, and they actually go somewhere? And you go in another room? Get on down to “Real Fake Doors”! That’s us. Fill a whole room up with ’em. See? Watch, check this out! Won’t open. Won’t open. Not this one, not this one. None of ’em open! FakeDoors.com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake doooooooors!
Morty: Hey, wait a minute, Rick. I thought this was a commercial. What’s going on? I mean-
Rick: Relax, Morty. Don’t worry about it Let’s just just see where this goes.
Real Fake Doors Guy: Step on it, we all got places to be! Son of a bitch!
Morty: See, that must be where he lives OK.
Rick: Huh. Making himself a sandwich now.
Real Fake Doors Guy: Hey everybody! So this is my house, I just made a sandwich, peanut butter and jelly, still here, still selling fake doors!
Morty: What?
Rick: Oh, my God! It’s still the commercial!
Real Fake Doors Guy: We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe! What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call us up, and order some fake doors today. Don’t even hesitate, Don’t even worry and don’t even-
Rick: All right, I’m bored. Change it.
Morty: Wait wait, Rick! Hold on.
Real Fake Doors Guy: -give it a second thought. That’s our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen, below our name. Here’s another slogan, right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker, with an arm of fake doors in you arms.
Morty: Okay, okay, you can change it.

Gazorpazorpfield: I hate Mumunmunundsdays. And I really could go for some enchiladas.
Morty: Hey Rick, that’s pretty cool! It’s just like Garfield, only instead, it’s Gazorpazorpfield.
Rick: Hey, isn’t Gazorpazorp where uh where those Sex robots came from, remember? That whole thing?
Morty: Yeah hey, that’s a pretty, pretty that’s true. That’s right!
Rick: Yeah. Let’s watch some more Gazorpazorpfield!
Gazorpazorpfield: Hey Jon, it’s me, Gazorpazorpfield. Boy. Fuck you, Jon. You fuckin’ dumb, stupid, idiot.
Jon: Come on, Gazorpazorpfield, go easy on me, huh?
Gazorpazorpfield: You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white uh, uh guilt, white guilt, milquetoast piece of human garbage.
Jon: Jeez, Gazorpazorpfield, that’s, you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.
Gazorpazorpfield: I don’t give a fuck! I’m Gazorpazorp-fucking-field, bitch! Now give me my fucking enchiladas!
Morty: Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
Rick: No, Morty, it’s Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he’s still alive.
Morty: Oh, okay, was his name Lorenzo Music?
Rick: Yeah, I’m pretty sure. He also did that voice of that one guy from Ghostbusters. Which is really strange, because it’s the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp or Garfield, I mean.
Morty: Yeah, that’s pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality too?
Rick: I don’t know. Just making conversation with you, Morty. What do you think? I-I-I-I know everything about everything?

Voice Over: It’s in theaters now! Coming this summer: Two brothers. In a van. And then a meteor hit. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came, and that’s when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up. With weapons made from To-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business. In: Alien Invasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who Are Just Regular Brothers, Running In a van from an Asteroid and All Sorts of Things THE MOVIE! Hold on, there’s more! Old women are coming, and they’re also in the movie, and they’re gonna come, and cross attack these two brothers. But let’s get back to the brothers, because they’re-they have a strong bond. You don’t want to know about it here, but I’ll tell you one thing: The moon it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? It’s two brothers and and th-they’re It’s called Two brothers Two brothers! It’s just called Two Brothers.

Voice Over: Man. Woman. And now trunk men? We know science has created men that have a trunk that allows them to have sex with both male and female partners. But we don’t like the idea of these people getting married. Put a line in the sand everybody–people! Vote no on proposition XW2.
Guy: The act that says that gay uh trunk people can get married. Who needs it?
Guy 2: Not on my watch!
Voice Over: Paid for by Michael Dennys and The Denny Singers.

Summer: And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.

Morty: What do I do if it cries?
Beth: Then you put it down and let it cry itself out.
Jerry: Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer and she is gonna end up stripping. Isn’t she? Yes she is. She is gonna strip for attention because she was denied it.
Beth: Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You’re gonna turn it into Mort-uh-mm-more more more of you.

Summer: Grandpa Rick, where are we going?
Rick: Well obviously Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?
Summer: *gasps* Ticketmaster.

Rick: Oh boy, what’s the opposite of “wubba-lubba-dub-dubs”? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

Rick: Look, I’m trying to repair the portal gun with bunch of sex doll parts and I have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from cutting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender.

Rick: Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it’s gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, I-I-I-It’ll be really easy to rape us after that.
Morty: We’re gonna be okay, Rick.
Rick: How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Morty. You know, w-w-w-what do you think’s gonna happen, some magical angel’s gonna show up and then-
Lawyer: Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I’m from a tiny-persons advocacy group and I have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore free-fi to fo-home.
Rick: W-What the hell is he talking about?
Lawyer: They’re free to go, is what i meant. I-I-I’m deconstructing our our our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that? Whatever.

Rick: God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don’t w-w-w-why didn’t we just go to Kentucky?