Season One

Rick: Take a shower with me, Morty.

Voice: This is earth radio. And now, here’s human music. *repetitive rhythmic beeping*
Jerry: hmm. Human music. I like it.

Morty: Ugh! I’m gonna get an “f” in class, Rick.
Rick: Morty, that’s not class. T-t-t-that wasn’t your teacher. This isn’t your school. This entire world is not the world. We’re inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.
Morty: Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about?
Rick: It’s all fake *burps* Morty, all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Morty. I couldn’t say so until we got In the shower. They won’t monitor us in here.
Morty: Monitor us?! W-who?!
Rick: Zigerion scammers, Morty. The galaxy’s most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it’s lucky for us they’re also really uncomfortable with nudity.

Rick: Hey, Morty.
Morty: What?
Rick: Hey, little buddy.H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Morty: Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Rick: Y-y-you’re a good kid, Morty. Y-you’re a real l-little c-character, Morty.
Morty: Oh, boy.
Rick: You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You’re my little friend, aren’t you? *sighs* We had some good times together, huh, m-Morty? We–You’re a real true hero out in The field. You’re a li–You’re a real trouper, huh, M-M-Morty?
Morty: Have you been drinking, Rick?
Rick: I really appreciate you, Morty.
Morty: O-Okay, cool. A-All right, Rick
Rick: You little son of a Bitch! Y-y are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!
Morty: No! No! No!
Rick: You little son of a Bitch!
Morty: *gasping*
Rick: I-I-I’m sorry, Morty. Y-you’re a good You’re a good kid, Morty.
Morty: Geez!
Rick: Y-you’re a good You’re a good kid.
Morty: Oh, my god!
Rick: *snoring*
Morty: W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Rick: W-what about that, Morty?
Morty: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Rick: Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven’t seen that somewhere in real life before?
Morty: No, no. I haven’t seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart Want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what i mean?
Rick: you’re missing the Point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No.

Jerry: Now bring me my slippers.
Summer: Now, be my footstool, Snuffles.
Jerry: This is what I’m talking about. This is a dog.
Beth: Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine.
Jerry: You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what.

Scary Terry: Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

Morty: Oh, man, what’s going on?
Rick: Well, it’s possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity’s cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Morty.

Rick: It’s a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people’s dreams, Morty. It’s just like that movie that you keep crowing about.
Morty: You talking about “Inception”?
Rick: That’s right, Morty. This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it’s gonna maybe make sense.
Morty: “Inception” made sense.
Rick: You don’t have to try to impress me, Morty.

Snuffles: Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?
Summer: Oh, wow. That’s an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.
Snuffles: Do not call me that! “Snuffles” was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.
Summer: Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You’re scaring me.
Snowball: Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

Morty: I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were.
Rick: I don’t know, Morty. Some people’d pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough.

Mr. Meeseeks: Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry.

Rick: I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Beth: Dad, the dishwasher’s doing that thing again.
Rick: Washing dishes?
Beth: No, the opposite. Can you fix it?
Summer: Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework?
Rick: Yeah j-just don’ do it.
Summer: Grandpa!
Jerry: Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?
Rick: Wow. Hat trick. All right, Morty, let’s put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family.

Rick: God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don’t w-w-w-why didn’t we just go to Kentucky?

Rick: I might have just touched one of Morty’s loads.

Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.