Vaughn: See, that’s G, the most important chord. In my mind, it stands for God.
Jeff: You know what I don’t get? He never wears a shirt; he never wears shoes: why hasn’t he died from lack of service?
Troy: Pierce, you don’t wanna watch a cyborg movie in Abed’s dorm, you wanna lay on your twin bed and think about what you used to be.
Pierce: What? You think I’m too old to make monkeyshines at a picture show? C’mon, I’m younger than the three of you put together.
Annie: Troy? The other day after Spanish I thought he was trying to hold my hand, but he’d just mistaken me for Abed.
Jeff: Look, this isn’t about you, you groovy hipster.
Narrator: It is the year 2006 A.D and nuclear war has ravaged the planet.
Abed: Must’ve missed that.
Narrator: The wasteland between cities is a free firezone ruled by scavengers, drug dealers, and terrorists.
Troy: Sounds like a Thanksgiving at my house.
Drug Dealer: Wanna buy some mega-dope? It gets you mega-high.
Shirley: Will it get me through this movie?
Kickpuncher: Freeze! Police!
Pierce: Freeze police? Don’t do that they’ll get cold!
Pierce: “Directed by Kim Yang.” Asian, can’t direct can’t drive. *laughs*
Senor Chang: Dude, I’m right here.
Abed: Right there.
Jeff: We need to hatch a scheme.
Britta: Mm, hatching schemes is not really my wheelhouse.
Jeff: Let’s not confine ourselves to your wheelhouse. This problem won’t respond to tap dancing or casual revelations that you spent time in New York.
Britta: Okay, if you’re gonna get all upper East side about this, I think we’re done.
Star-Burns: Hey, winger, check out Annie. Somebody just went to the top of my “to do” list.
Britta: Okay, we need to hatch a scheme.
Jeff: Crash course in manipulation: you don’t tell the person what you want them to do. You help them realize they want to do it. That way it can’t be traced back to you.
Britta: Hmm, got it.
*Jeff and Britta walk up to Troy*
Britta: Chemistry, sexy. You know what else it sexy? Annie.
Troy: I know chemistry is sexy, but Annie? I don’t see it.
Jeff: Well, every other guy on campus does.
Britta: You really don’t see how pretty Annie is?
Troy: Maybe it’s because I knew her in high school, before she dropped out. She had braces, and acne, and a pill addiction. And a nervous breakdown ending with her running into a plate-glass door screaming “everyone’s a robot!”
Troy: I have the weirdest boner.
Kickpuncher: I guess it’s just a bad day for drug-dealing terrorists, and a good day for Kickpuncher.
Pierce: All right, guys. You hear that pause right after he says “And a good day”? What do you got for me there?
Derrick: And a good day for a nutritious breakfast.
Pierce: I don’t get it.
Linda: It’s a good day for a terrible movie.
Buzz: A good day, for hair products.
Pierce: Oh, Buzz, how many times can you keep going to that well? Come on guys, I’m starting to wonder if you even deserve to call yourselves a community college sketch comedy troupe. I told you, on movie night I need to blow these punks out of the water. I need Phyllis Diller-grade stuff.
Mark: Wouldn’t you rather just watch a movie with your friends and have a good time?
Pierce: What are you, my third wife’s therapist?
Linda: What if he said “It’s a good day for,” and you said, “for being gay?”
Pierce: *laughing* You are a genius.
Linda *to Mark*: He likes gay jokes.
Linda: I said we write great jokes.
Pierce: Don’t flatter yourselves.
Troy: I’m not your bro, bro.
Vaughn: Oh, well, actually. Everyone is my bro in the whole entire universe, you know because everything is connected. Rocks, eagles, hats.
Troy: Yeah? Well some things are more connected than others, like tarantulas and me peeing my pants. Or me and Annie.
Troy: Let’s do this. Red Shoe Diaries. I think you know I have a thing for butt stuff.
Annie: Hey, guys! Thanks for getting involved in my love life, that was super cool and mature of you! Oh, and since you’re both clearly idiots, I should probably let you know that I’m being sarcastic!
Troy: Hey, guys! Thanks for taking ugly Annie out of the palm of my hand and turning her into yet another hottie that will never get with me!
Leonard: Hey, guys! Thanks for eating all the macaroni!
Jeff: Shut up, Leonard! Nobody even knows what you’re talking about!
Jeff: …I did eat all the macaroni. It’s messed up that he knows.
Kickpuncher: My punches were only as strong as my punches, and then things changed.
Pierce: Change? Time to change the channel! This guy’s gonna be begging for change if he keeps making movies this bad! They should change this movie to something good. This movie stinks, we better change its diaper. Now that’s change we can believe in!
Abed: *Abed hits pause* Okay, obviously something strange is happening here.
Pierce: What are you mean? I’m making jokes during a movie.
Troy: Yeah, but you’re doing it with the speed and determination of the incomparable Robin Williams.
Senor Chang: Dude, even I know you’re lame. And I’m a tenured professor sitting in a beanbag chair.
Troy: You’re not a professor.
Senor Chang: Shut up, man.
Pierce: What’s the matter? Mama Chang didn’t breast feed?
Senor Chang: She read in a book that it wouldn’t make a difference.
Britta: Fine! I cared. I’m a girly girl. I like boys, and I don’t like it when they’re mean to me, and I don’t like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends. I’m not that cool, I’m not JUNO, OK homeslice?
Jeff: This is what it was about for you? You were jealous?
Britta: Oh, please. You can’t tell me that you weren’t jealous that Vaughn had his hippie hands all over your debate-slash-make-out partner.
Annie: What are you insinuating? I took that kiss for the team!
Jeff: What?… yeah. That kiss wasn’t for pleasure, it was strategic and joyless.
Annie: What?… yeah.
Troy: You did get weirdly specific when you were describing Annie’s body.
Jeff: More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta?
Britta + Annie: What?
Shirley: Does anyone get specific about me?
Pierce: Check your e-mail.
Shirley: I mark you as spam.
Pierce: Who the hell is Pam?
Abed: When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in the Brady Bunch. And now we’re as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of the Brady Bunch.
Shirley: I agree with Abed, this is getting creepy.
Annie: No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans and you say, “I’d like to slap those buns on the grill!”
Jeff and Pierce: What?
Shirley: First of all, I don’t talk like that, and second of all where I’m from it’s perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends’ backsides. You don’t see me saying anything crazy about uh, Abed and Troy’s weird little relationship.
Abed, Troy *to each other*: They’re just jealous.
Annie: Why are we even talking about this?
Jeff: Because you started having sex with Britta’s ex-boyfriend!
Annie: What? We haven’t even kissed.
Pierce: That doesn’t mean you’re not having sex.
Troy: You sure Britta couldn’t do your part?
Abed: Yeah, I asked her, she wasn’t available.
Troy: Let’s go film the sex scene.