Annie *texting*: Frankie, are you awake?
Frankie *texting*: I’m in bed, but I only rest half my brain at a time. Go!
Frankie *texting*: Annie Edison requesting emergency meeting at school in 30. Greendale in trouble.
Dean Pelton *texting*: I’ll notify the others.
Frankie *texting*: I can do that if you like.
Dean Pelton *texting*: I think I can handle notifying others, thank you very much. Annie, Jeffrey, emergency meeting at the school in 30 minutes.
Annie *texting*: I already know. I’m the one calling the meeting.
Japanese teen texting as Jeff: No worrys Dean I Love you.
Dean Pelton *texting*: You’re always so sweet when we’re texting, but then in real life…*snowman emote*.
Japanese teens texting as Jeff: Bro, I just secret that way with love, you know my style;; we keep loving in Text but then secret forever. Meow.
Jeff: Annie, if you’re not dying, I’m gonna murder you. I had to remove my night cream, it’s $200 an ounce.
Chang: It’s 3 A.M. in the fricking morning, Edison, what gives you the right to haul us in here?
Annie: Chang, how did you even find out about this?
Chang: I have a right to be here.
Annie: Okay, 41 minutes ago, I received this email from a friend that interns at KZBC.
Dean Pelton: The TV station?
Jeff: No, the unrelated, totally random combination of those four letters.
Dean Pelton: Meow.
Dean Pelton: City College is running an attack ad? That’s a first.
Frankie: They’re getting desperate. Our registration numbers are trending upward.
Jeff: Because the population keeps growing, and no one here ever graduates.
Annie: Actually, our numbers are up because of improvements Frankie’s made.
Frankie: Those improvements, were only possible through your hard work, Annie.
Jeff: Oh, get a boardroom.
Chang: Interesting. When were you gonna share the whole truth about this, and not just the parts that suit you?
Chang: “PS: I was glad to hear Brenda’s doing better.” Ha? Ha?
Abed: I have friends in the AV department at City College.
Dean Pelton: Ooh la la.
Abed: The brotherhood of AV exists beyond your petty factionalism. We serve only video, the one true queen, and her faithful consort, audio.
Chang: Oh, could you guys be bigger nerds?
Abed: No, most of us have achieved our maximum potential.
Elroy: She was wandering around campus, without pants. What’s going on in here? –
Dean Pelton: Situation room.
Elroy: What’s the situation?
Chang: Brenda’s got a bad thyroid.
Elroy: I’m sorry to hear that. You can keep the pants.
City College Ad: You work hard to earn your degree, and your school should work hard to make that degree valuable. So, why is Greendale Community College giving degrees to dogs? In 2001, a Staffordshire terrier mix named Ruffles took up residence on Greendale’s campus. By 2008, Ruffles had earned a Bachelor’s Degree. Not a two year degree, a four year degree. Where will you get your degree? If the answer is Greendale, prepare to get boned. Paid for by City College, license 264392.
Frankie: Did we give a degree to a dog?
Dean Pelton: …
Annie: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Dave: They’ve been calling me in to do more stuff lately. It’s pretty exciting.
Vicki: Well trust me, we’ll be lucky if we get in three words before-
Frankie: The first step is to pull our facts. The most important one being, Dean Pelton. Did Greendale Community College give a degree to a dog?
Dean Pelton: I seem to recall, no. No way. There’s absolutely no way. Not that dog.
Britta: That dog?
Frankie: You remember the dog. Was it enrolled in classes?
Dean Pelton: Hm.
Annie: How are these hard questions?
Jeff: Why, are these the questions you’re asking?
Frankie: You don’t wanna know, if a dog got a degree here?
Jeff: It’s not important. What I wanna know is, did a dog get a degree here, in any way that can be proven?
Dean Pelton: Ooh, I like that, Jeffrey.
Annie: I don’t like that! I like the truth. Play lawyer on your own time.
Jeff: This is my own time. You wanted me invested? Well, this dump cuts my paychecks, and I’ve got three hours to defend it. So, how many seconds of that should I waste on truth, which is an artificial construct that rarely holds up in court, and has never changed the outcome of a fight.
Annie: I’m sorry you have to see him like this.
Frankie: Well, he is right about one thing, if City College can’t support their claim, it’s libel, we can have the station pull the ad, but that is precisely why the truth does matter.
Chang: The Brenda paradox.
Jeff: Abed, can you make one of those attack ads?
Abed: Jeff wants me to make me an attack ad. So, why is he a pedophile? Just demonstrating the formula.
Annie: We are better than City College. We always have been. Which is why I know, that we did not give a degree to a dog.
Dean Pelton: *hesitant thumbs up*
Chang:I say we fight fire with fire. City College try to embarrass us? We should embarrass them, right?
Chang: I say I go to City College with a camera, shoot a really gross porno movie on their campus and put it online.
Jeff: Wait, what?
Dean Pelton *texting*: It’s very inspiring to watch you work.
Japanese Teen *texting*: You are inspiring, too.
Dean Pelton *texting*: In what way?
Japanese Teen *texting*: I need olives, can you bring me olives?
Dean Pelton *texting*: Not again. You did this a month ago. Then I brought them to you, and you acted like you hated them.
Japanese Teen *texting*: It’s only my style to be secret, please bring me five can of olives.
Dean Pelton *texting*: Five cans!?
Japanese Teen *texting*: But don’t believe me if I say I don’t like. I’m just pretending I hate olives.
Britta: Honestly? I couldn’t care less if they gave a dog a degree.
Elroy: Me neither.
Britta: In fact, I kinda hope they did.
Elroy: Well, why is that?
Britta: I don’t know. They all treat me like I’m a joke. But if a dog got a degree, that means we’re all a joke.
Britta: Whoa. Natalie is freezing?
Elroy: You know them?
Britta: Yeah of course I know them, but how do you? You’re-
Britta: No. Old. Oh, I’m sorry I just meant that, when I was into them I was like 15.
Elroy: I was like 40. I never really listened to music when I was growing up. I was in my own world, but one day at work, I heard this sound. It was Pillar of Garbage.
Britta: Oh, that is their best song. Best song.
Elroy: I’ve got it right here.
Britta: Would you play it?
*Britta sings, badly*
Elroy: You know, you know what? You know, those guys are going to need coffee if they’re going to keep that dog from having a degree. There are things at, at stake here. I, I get that now.
Annie: So I know you agree with me that we need to find the truth, but do you agree that the truth won’t be horrible?
Frankie: I’m not psychic Annie, that’s an illusion caused by extreme preparedness.
Annie: But, what do you hope is true?
Frankie: Oh, God, no, I never hope. Hope is pouting in advance. Hope is faith’s richer, bitchier sister. Hope is the deformed addict bound incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear. My life results tripled the year I gave up hope and every game on my phone that had anything to do with farming. What’s true will be true, Annie. Our job is to deal with that truth.
Annie: You sound a little like Jeff.
Frankie: Jeff said I sound like Abed. I wonder if Britta thinks I sound like Chang. I assume Chang thinks I sound like distant explosions and crying babies, you know, he’s unstable, right?
Jeff: We could use some fresh eyes on this cut.
Abed: We could?
Jeff: Has anyone told you you’re difficult to work with?
Abed: Everyone in your line of work.
Ruffles Attack Ad: This is Ruffles. She’d like you to believe she’s a college graduate and a good girl. But Ruffles is anything, but When Ruffles moved into her neighborhood in 2007, dead squirrels went up by 17%. Coincidence? Ask this bunny. Ruffles stole cookies from a Girl Scout, impersonated a lobster, has had 27 children with five different fathers, and, according to one local doctor, has worms. Ruffles might claim she doesn’t. Ruffles claims a lot of things, maybe that’s why Ruffles once spent time on death row.
Ruffles, not a lobster, not a student, not a good dog. Paid for by humanity versus Ruffles.
Jeff: My God, look at the course load, this dog was an animal.
Elroy: Somethings are silly and evil, like candy cigarettes.
Annie: I am a female student being physically overpowered by a male teacher.
Jeff: Damn it! Britta, get her.
Jeff: Frankie, get her!
Frankie: Annie, sweetie, think about this practically. If being better than City College means letting them destroy us then what is the point?
Annie: If surviving means being like them, what’s the point? Why not let one school die, and enroll at the one where my grades matter.
Frankie: If those are your terms. If the price of that transcript is you transferring? We accept. Personally, I hope you’re bluffing.
Annie: Yeah, well, here’s what hope gets you. Hope and $1.49 will get you a candy bar.
Abed: Buck 79.
Annie: Are you serious? Jesus!
Elroy: I remember when candy bars were 50 cents. If someone says, hey, I just joined Mensa. Or I consider myself a postmodern this or that.
You could say, yeah, that and $.50 will get you a candy bar. Or that and a quarter will get you a phone call. It was easy to be unimpressed back then. I mean it was, literally, cheaper.
Dean Pelton: This is Ruffles. Ruffles was a student at Greendale Community College, she came really close to getting a degree, which means two things. She’s an exceptional dog, and Greendale really needs to get its shit together. We’re working on it. We’re working hard. And the good news is, when you work hard at Greendale, no matter who or what you are, it pays off. Right, Ruffles?
Dean Pelton: Jesus.
Voice Over: Greendale Community College. You’re already accepted.
Jeff: You do understand that what we did, was also just the most prudent tactical move, getting in front of the scandal, Letterman style.
Annie: Yes, Jeff, don’t worry. I promise I’ll never mistake you for having a heart.
Jeff: Thank you.
Abed: This is pornography?
Abed: You’re the only actor.
Abed: What kind of lens is this?
Chang: Who cares? –
Abed: You might be a genius…Why did you do this?
Chang: What parent is going to let their kid go to a school if a porn got shot there?
Abed: But you shot in front of a plaster wall that could be anywhere. And you’re wearing your Greendale T-shirt.
Chang: Okay genius, but the title is Chang Does Greendale, oh wait. Reshoots.
Japanese Teen’s Dad: Forty thousand yet in data charges?! I’m looking at my son but all I see is the ghost of your uncle!
Japanese Teen: I imagine many people look the same when you reduce them all to finance.
Japanese Teen’s Dad: In your eyes I am the enemy because I’m the edge of your world, but when your eyes move past me, they will weep. Tokyo is a machine, caked with blood, running on flesh. I reduce you? You will learn true reduction. You will be as small as me.
Takashi *texting*: The Dean? Hellos?
Dean Pelton *texting*: Are you in trouble? Is everything okay?
Takashi *texting*: Is life hard everywhere? Is everyone alone?
Dean Pelton *texting*: All the time. Are you at home Jeffrey? Should I come over?
Takashi *texting*: You cannot come to me. I must confession you I am not Jeffrey.
Dean Pelton *texting*: I understand. I rarely know who I am.
Takashi *texting*: No, I mean I am not Jeffrey.
Dean Pelton *texting*: Let it out.
Takashi *texting*: I am Takashi. I am teenage boy in Tokyo.
Dean Pelton *texting*: I think we all are sometimes.
Takashi *texting*: I am sorry for making fun before, but now I need a friend.
Dean Pelton *texting*: Why don’t I bring you some olives tomorrow, Jeffrey?
Takashi *texting*: I am not Jeffrey!
Dean Pelton *texting*: I am not the Dean!
Takashi: I often think about that night. Such a small event, but ultimately the moment that would lead me to becoming Ioban. Highest leader of the Yakuza.