Dean Pelton: Dammit! Come on. Oh, Elroy! Elroy, hey. Computer no worky.
Elroy: Please don’t do that.
Dean Pelton: Computer no worky.
Elroy: Did you forget your password again? Pelton, I can’t keep track of all the parakeets you had growing up.
Dean Pelton: It’s the lunch lady’s emails. It’s all the lunch lady’s emails.
Elroy: Which lunch lady? The hot one?
Dean Pelton: You mean the one who serves the hot food?
Elroy: Mmm, that’s the one.
Britta: Please tell me you guys aren’t sitting there reading the lunch lady’s leaked e-mails.
Jeff: No one here could ever do that, not even in shifts, it’s decades of data. I’m reading the Greendale Gazette’s highlights of the lunch lady’s e-mails.
Abed: I found a torrent of all the highlights if you don’t want to wait for the ads to load.
Frankie: Abed, that’s stealing. Those ads are there so the Gazette can pay people to through the lunch lady’s email.
Annie: Not to get too liberal, but once they’re online, does anyone really own the lunch lady’s emails?
Elroy: That’s why the future of the internet is branded content. WazzleDazzle.com has got five Bacardi cocktails inspired by the lunch lady’s most embarrassing secrets.
Britta: You guys are violating her privacy.
Chang: I’m pretty sure the media’s doing that, Britta. We’re just reading the news.
Dean Pelton: The police are here *Chang and Britta get up to leave* about our computers being hacked.
Cackowski: Hi, guys. I see a few familiar faces here. A few new ones, as well. No, just gonna keep the cop you’ve known for for five years at arms length? I get it.
Annie: What have you boys been able to figure out?
Cackowski: Don’t call us boys. And it’s a unique case, because it’s hard to decide what laws are being broken. Unless you count the lunch lady’s sex life. Thanks, thanks a lot. Anyway, our city does have a cyber-crime division, but it’s well, it’s pretty new.
Any leads? Officer Warburton.
Warburton: I want McDonald’s.
Cackowski: Wants. McDonald’s. Some of you probably can’t see from where you’re sitting. It’s literally a child in an adult sized police uniform. It’s cute, but it doesn’t help our situation.
Dean Pelton: So what do we make of the demands?
Cackowski: Well we were able to find out a little more. This message was posted online and signed, The Hackers. And we assume it’s legit because well, that’s just where we’re at. Greendale, cancel the performance of the terrorist comedian Gupta Gupti Gupta, who seeks to spread hatred with his hateful comedy. You guys booked Gupta Gupti Gupta?
Dean Pelton: $700.
Britta: Oh my God, Dean, he’s renowned for his racist act.
Dean Pelton: How can he be racist? Listen to his name.
Cackowski: Well, the message says if you don’t cancel his performance, what happened to the lunch lady’s gonna happen to everyone on the activities committee.
Jeff: Ha. We don’t have a…Oh, God, that’s us.
Dean Pelton: So, what do we do?
Cackowski: That’s up to the school. Though I’m just a cop, born in a small town, raised in the heartland, but I say cancel the performance, and give the government the sweeping powers it needs to detect and eliminate people before they turn into hackers.
Think that’s all I’ve got. How’s everything otherwise? Stoked for Avengers, Avengers, Avengers, Avengers? I hear Marvel got really hands on this time, they really pinned in Joss Whedon creatively, so how can that go wrong? Okay, see ya.
Britta: Don’t you guys think that we have an obligation here?
Annie: The cop says no.
Britta: Well the cops say that your car trunk has something to do with 9/11. They’re not philosophers, they’re crossing guards with guns.
Britta: The eyes of the world-
Jeff: Are within hundreds of miles of this room.
Britta: Okay, how about the eyes of something bigger?
Jeff: Aren’t you an atheist? Don’t you hate this government? Are you even planning on going to see this comic?
Britta: Yes, pretty much and of course not, I was planning to protest him. But I can’t believe I’m the one saying this. For God sakes, we’re freaking Americans. We’re talking about freedom of speech, it’s the amendment so important it’s literally the first one they remembered to add.
Elroy: For white people.
Frankie: With penises.
Jeff: We prefer to be called people without color or vaginas.
Britta: Look, I know some things have gotten too simple and other things have gotten too complicated, but we still have a legacy and a job in this country. We’re the colony so high maintenance the British gave up. We’re so obnoxious the French sent us a statue. Nobody tells us to shut up. And yes, I know that our wealth is no longer distributed, and yes, our democracy has been hijacked and turned into a puppet show about two fake parties that are controlled by a cartel of monopolies, and yes, if our votes had any real power they’d be illegal.
Annie: Britta! Freedom of speech acknowledged. Trust us.
Britta: Cancel the show and you cancel people. Might as well bring dinosaurs back.
Abed: What? Let her finish.
Chang: I kinda zoned out and assume we’re standing to go see Avengers.
Dean Pelton: You guys. This is so inspiring. I guess, just let me know how it goes. No matter what happens I’m with you, but don’t tell anyone I’m with you. If you do, I’ll deny it, but I’m with you here and now. Not literally here and now, right now I’m leaving, but I will always have been with you secretly. Bye.
Britta: The performance by Goopta Goopty Goopta will go on as scheduled tomorrow night, and we encourage anyone who believes in freedom to attend Mr. Goopta’s performance. Although, as a woman, and someone with many Jewish and black friends, I will be deeply offended. I’m petitioning to have Mr. Gupta banned from all campuses across America. But, one thing at a time. First, freedom of speech does not just apply to speech you want to hear.
Jeff: Case in point, am I right? Stephanie get my good side, right here. Oh, I’m being censored! I’m being censored!
Britta: Deflect all you want, but you’re putting your ass one the line for an ideal.
Jeff: Well, maybe a fraction of a butt cheek on the line. It’s not like I used that stupid Greendale email for anything but porn subscriptions and improv show mailing lists.
Elroy: What makes you think it’s only your Greendale email they’ll be leaking?
Jeff: Because they hacked Greendale.
Elroy: Do you have a computer in your office?
Elroy: Do you check your emails on that computer?
Elroy: You look at boobies on it?
Jeff: One time.
Elroy: They got it. They got everything. It’s Vietnam now, baby. It’s Vietnam!
Elroy: Hi, how’s everybody doing? I asked a damn question.
Abed: New look.
Elroy: I’m glad you like it. I’d hate to think my wardrobe wasn’t passing muster with this group. So here I am in a brand new outfit with an up-to-the-minute shirt.
Abed: Okay. I’m not usually the best at non-verbal cues, so I have to ask, is it possible that everyone here but me read all of each other’s leaked emails?
Chang: I read it all. I read all your crap. I have read everything you guys have ever wrote about me in an email. And you guys are the worst people in the world. Screw you guys. Not cool. Mean, mean, mean.
Elroy: Point it at me and I will eat it!
Elroy: I will bite your little finger off and I will eat it! Then, let’s see you type more descriptions of my Houseguest-era Sinbad wardrobe.
Chang: Ah-ha. That’s a direct quote from a really mean email I wrote about him. So now who’s the bad guy?
Abed: Okay. How much of the leak did each of you read? I have a right to fit in!
Britta: Okay, stop it! Stop it! Why don’t we all just admit that we-
Annie: I’m not admitting it.
Britta: Oh, Annie, get over it.
Annie: You had my blood tested for amphetamines?
Jeff: You were extra jumpy last spring. We had to double check to be safe.
Annie: I don’t think I’m jumpy enough if my friends can steal my blood.
Britta: Oh, you gave it to us.
Annie: For that human genome project?
Abed: We only used half of it for that. By the way, you’re one percent Neanderthal.
Annie: How can you judge anyone, light switch licker?
Chang: Like this, ew.
Britta: You guys hear that sound? That is the sound of the hackers winning. Our school’s out there right now, pawing through our dirty laundry, laughing at us, waiting to see what we’re gonna do, waiting to see who wins in the battle between terror and cool. We got to be cool, man. We got to be cool. And set up for a show.
Annie: Abed, if you wouldn’t mind please checking the sound system.
Abed: No problem.
Annie: Unless you’re too busy telling your girlfriend I don’t understand Donnie Darko.
Annie: I’m cool.
Frankie: I’ll set up the box office. Oh, or will me opening a box office unfairly influence wagers in your betting pool about my sexual preference?
Britta: We saw this one coming, and we are so sorry.
Frankie: Oh, that cuts it. The word sorry fills that crater right to the brim, yeah.
Jeff: Oh, boo hoo. Your friends are curious about your night life. We kept it among friends. You told human resources I was a functional alcoholic.
Frankie: I am required to file a report on every teacher, and if you throw another tantrum I will revise yours.
Jeff: To what? Non-lethal murderer? Armless javelin thrower? What in your unqualified, buzzword-bloated, little red school house of a brain is a functional alcoholic?
Frankie: What in your brain is a chapstick lesbian?
Jeff: To me, 300 bucks. Unless you care to refute it.
Frankie: My sexuality is of zero concern to my job and to everyone here. I swear, if you people were trapped on a tiger-infested island with no food or water, you would judge every ship that came to save you.
Annie: How do the tigers survive without food or water?
Frankie: Oh, it’s not cute, Annie. And I read your entry in the pool. Was your goal to win or just be disgusting?
Annie: I had to pick last.
Chang: Yeah, well, we all read about ourselves in your weirdly long, melodramatic emails to your sister, who you might notice never responds. Take a hint.
Frankie: She’s dead. I pretend to write her emails as a journaling device. You wretched, invasive little gremlin.
Britta: Okay, why don’t we just call that rock bottom.
Abed: Check one, check two. Check one, check two. Well, well, well, it looks like Jeff Winger auto-paid his car insurance and Annie’s book club has a meeting tomorrow. Where do you guys find the bad stuff?
Elroy: Maybe, maybe what we all need to do here is have everyone in the room address and own one thing that they know is out there. No blame, no shame. Just an explanation. I’ll start. Now, I’m sure by now, you’ve all seen the emails between me and the Patterson family of Herndon, Virginia.
Jeff: Not me.
Elroy: I received their first letter as part of a family email chain, Christmas of 2007.
Annie: I don’t think you owe us.
Elroy: Although, I, I didn’t understand why they’d written me. I responded politely. When I realized they had somehow mistaken me for their cousin. For some reason, I suppose it was loneliness, I simply failed to disabuse them of that notion.
Britta: Well, that’s-
Elroy: I’ve come to love Barb and George, and Gelson and Roselle. And even Uncle Paul with all his flaws. And even though our relationship is based on a lie, for me it’s. One of the realest, I’ll ever know.
Frankie: *scoffs* I hope you don’t think by explaining that, you’re off the hook for the 3D models you’ve been making of our bodies without our permission.
Annie: That’s what those photos were for?
Elroy: I’m making a game about lady time travelers.
Chang: Where, in your pants?
Jeff: That’s pretty creepy, Elroy.
Elroy: Oh, you guys are so suave. You’re such gentlemen. You and Chang have a daily email chain ranking Annie and Britta one and two.
Jeff: By which you mean, Chang emails me rankings every day and I don’t respond.
Britta: Except for February 7th, 2013. Chang, Britta is one, Annie is two. Jeff, ha, yeah.
Annie: Jeff, gross. And Britta, way to instantly memorize the exact date of your big victory.
Chang: Hey, silver and gold, ladies, ain’t no losers there.
Frankie: Okay, I think we’re losing sight of what’s important.
Elroy: Says the woman suing her father for $80.
Frankie: Tell it to your fake family. Have you made any creepy boob models of Jezel yet?
Elroy: Roselle is like a daughter to me.
Annie: But arguably more like a daughter to her parents.
Jeff: Didn’t you have your own family?
Elroy: Oh, go write an astronaut. Oh, did anyone see Jeff’s letters? He writes to astronauts. Talk about creepy.
Jeff: They’re national heroes!
Elroy: Yes, they are! Leave them alone.
Britta: Ooh, this I gotta see.
Jeff: You know, what I don’t want to see? Your exchanges with your life coach about the study group when we were dating. Oh, and by the way, clearly, not a life coach, and absolutely, just an Italian sociopath you met at a dispensary.
Frankie: You two dated?
Elroy: This was a study group?
Abed: Yeah, Chang was our teacher.
Elroy and Frankie: What!?
Chang:That’s right, and frankly, haven’t been well utilized since.
Britta: Dear Reid Wiseman, congratulations on your successful return to Earth
Annie: Ladies. Time travel. Video games.
*talking over each other*
Britta: Dear new ensemble, I love you more than my dad.
Dean Pelton: Guys.
Dean Pelton: This is Gupta Gupti Gupta.
Britta: Yeah, hi. Fine, whatever. Congratulations.
Gupta: You guys okay?
Jeff: To tell you the truth, Gupta Gupti, we’ve been through a bit of a rough patch.
Gupta: Yeah, the dean was telling me about it and I’ve been reading about it.
Annie: Hope you were entertained.
Gupta: To be honest, I’m really grateful. This is the first school in six months that hasn’t canceled, so thanks. I’m gonna go get ready.
Dean Pelton: We really did the right thing didn’t we?
Britta: Yeah. It doesn’t matter what we read in the leaks or what we said to each other tonight. What matters is that right now here on this campus, the people are in charge. Not the hackers. Not the media, not the cops, the people. Abed, go put on some music. Elroy, Jeff, put out some more chairs. Annie get ready to introduce our star. Chang, go talk to yourself in the corner. Frankie, let the people in.
Britta: We have to stop the people. Their freedom of speech depends on it.
Gupta: Hey, y’all. Look, I see there’s a lot of Jews in the crowd. I mean, you know, there isn’t, but usually when I do my act, there’s more. But, you know, I have a whole Jew thing.
Annie: Do it!
Gupta: Okay, okay. Who is this guy?
Neil: Stop performing!
Annie: Do not stop performing!
Gupta: Okay, this guy. Look at him. It looks like he ate so much. He’s very fat.
Neil: Don’t do this to me.
Jeff: Shut up and listen.
Gupta: I see that you’re fat, but are you also black or Jewish? You know, it’s hard to be fat when you’re black or Jewish because when you’re black, your community steals all your food, so you can’t eat as much. And when you’re Jewish, nobody ever buys anything, so you can’t eat as much. You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t.
Dean Pelton: The bastards did it. They leaked the entire school’s data.
Gupta: Oh, okay. So hey, fat guy in the audience. Have you found anyone else you could love, like another fat person? Or, are you one of those fat people who will always be alone?
Garrett: Hey, Leonard, you enjoy my girlfriend in 2009?
Leonard: As much as she enjoyed your plagiarized poetry.
Garrett: I will kill you. *being dragged off by other students* Don’t act like you care about me. I’ve seen all of your cartoons about me. I am this school’s worst nightmare!
Jeff: Man, it’s like Road Warrior out there, but if petrol were privacy and bad teeth were dirty secrets.
Abed: Good news! Neil’s talking to us again. He says he respects our moral position, but not our execution. Also, he says he’s never talking to us again.
Annie: I don’t see how we can bounce back from this one.
Elroy: This one?
Abed: Yeah. If you follow a theme of revealed secrets, the email hack is the third installment of a trilogy that began with Annie losing a pen, in what I’ve come to call the Golden Age.
Frankie: I’m guessing the second chapter would be when your best friend vanished on a mysterious boat trip after the older one masturbated himself to death?
Frankie: If that’s one you guys bounced back from, we might be okay.
Chang: What’s the lesson here? I always wanna make sure I know what the lesson is. I’m a completist.
Britta: The rest of the school’s in shambles, so maybe we’re more evolved and forgiving than them.
Chang: We already know that, stupid.
Jeff: I feel more desensitized to jokes about Jews and blacks. Is that good?
Annie: Say what?
Abed: We know the pieces of our privacy, freedom of speech, terrorism, and government. So, the lesson is probably an ironic pairing, like one man’s privacy is another man’s freedom.
Britta: Government is terrorism.
Elroy: The only free speech is private speech.
Frankie: A free government terrorizes privacy. That’s all four, bitches.
Annie: Terror is terrorized by…
Jeff: Terry the terrorist?
Chang: Tarry not, for terrorism terrifies.
*talking over each other*
Cackowski: We caught the hacker. This is Ryan, AKA StringCheeseHustler, AKA Fartmitzvah, Skullandboners88, Frozensucked, Captaintitty. You don’t need to know all his names. He lives across the street from the campus, and he’s got something he wants to say. Don’t you?
Ryan: I’m sorry.
Cackowski: For what?
Ryan: For guessing your school master password was changeme.
Ryan: How do you sleep at night, Warburton? You were one of us. You were free.
Warburton: No one’s free when they’re one of anything. And to answer your question, I sleep alone with one eye open. That’s why I’m not the one in cuffs.
Cackowski: Let’s go, Fartmitzvah.
Elroy: I’m sorry if I used photography to digitally approximate some of your naked bodies.
Annie: It’s all right.
Elroy: It is?
Warburton: Same as yesterday. Big cloud of data raining over a pasture. All 8 billion sheep keep grazing.
Cackowski: Is that good?
Cackowski: The thing you said back there about not being a part of anything. Is that really how you feel?
Warburton: It’s not a question of how I feel. I feel like flying. I don’t jump off buildings.
Cackowski: Do you believe in God, Warburton?
Warburton: You know, there’s no rule that says we have to be friends, right?
Cackowski: How about common courtesy? Familiar with that rule?
Warburton: The words common and courtesy have opposite values. Common courtesy is just gibberish, hocus pocus, a spell we cast when hoping to cheat reality.
Cackowski: You’re a cynical son of a bitch. I’ll give you that. You know, my wife, she makes these dream catchers.
Warburton: Shhh! Shut the hell up. How fast can you get us to the mainframe hardline?
Cackowski: Yankee Doodle Dandy!