Abed: For GCTV this is Abed Nadir saying: Did you know you can make napalm out of common dish soap and cat food?
Starburns: I actually withdraw my candidacy. I fear a political career will shine a negative light on my drug dealing.
SS Agent: I’m sorry you weren’t a more obvious threat to the country.
Troy: According to our polls, the campus is almost evenly divided. Now keep in mind, the margin of error on this thing is about 98%.
Abed: Could be higher. We don’t even know how to do margins of error. We talked to two people at a vending machine.
SS Agent: Is there a specific reason you had to repeat the first grade?
Abed: From what I’m told, I didn’t know how to use scissors, I sat in the middle of the see-saw, and I always found the distinction between duck and goose to be arbitrary
Abed: For Greendale College Television, I’m Abed Nadir.
Troy: And I’m Troy “Butt Soup” Barnes. What? That’s my name.
Troy: I live with that dude. He’s got night terrors and a rotary phone.
SS Agent: I could issue a warning for this bootleg of “The Last Airbender.”
Abed: Where were you a week ago?
Jeff: Don’t kid a lawyer.
Annie: Well if I see one, I won’t.
Jeff: I’m sorry Annie. I’m not the worker-bee type. I’m more of a silver back gorilla with the claws of a lion, the teeth of a shark and the quiet dignity of a tortoise.
Jeff: Everyone wants you to shut up.
Britta: And yet I won’t. Case in point.
Jeff: Oh Abed. Will your reality ever come out on Blu-Ray so we can enjoy it?
Dean Pelton: Eat that city college and wash it down with a big tall glass of SUCK IT.