Duncan: Ah, Jeff, Jeff. Good morning. How is student life, my dry-witted friend?
Jeff: Probably the same as teacher life, but less tragic, because I get to leave.
Duncan: Very dry. Very witty. Not a great friend. Listen, I wanted to ask you about that young lady in your Spanish class. You know, the blonde with the pouty, strident Cate Blachett sexuality and the ridiculous name.
Duncan: That’s it. That’s it. Imagine living with that. Can you imagine? Unbelievable. Anyway, um, are you two an item? And if so, would that item be impervious to sabotage?
Jeff: You know, you have the savioir-faire of a hyena. How is it that you and James Bond come from the same island?
Duncan: Message received. I’ll just wait for you to finish striking out first.
Duncan: Fawlty Towers. Game over. Have a nice day.
Abed: Do you think Luis Guzman will ever come to visit his statue? If so, I’d like to ask him about his movie choices. Particularly, Carlito’s Way, The Cowboy Way, The Hard Way, and Q&A.
Jeff: So I guess the cell phone number you put on the study group’s contact sheet was fake, which I just learned in the awkward conclusion of a month long text message affair with a dude from Boulder.
Jeff: That’s okay, just give me your real number and I’ll cleanse my pallet while Kevin rethinks his marriage.
Senor Chang: Silencio, por favor. Star-Burns, that means you.
Star-Burns: My name’s Alex, dude.
Senor Chang: Well maybe you should spend five hours sculpting that into your face.
Senor Chang: Who did it? Huh? Mary-Ann? Grandpa? Jackée? Kumar? There’s one Asian stereotype that does apply to me, whoever did this insulted my honor. And they’ve got 24 hours to come forward or Mr. Miyagi here will wax off everyone’s score, and the whole class gets a zero. Except you, Toby.
Troy: The only difference between Señor Chang and Stalin, is that i know who Señor Chang is.
Shirley: Did you hear him call me Jackée like I’m some black female caricature? If the good lord hadn’t been watching, I’d have slapped him upside the head.
Pierce: Who do you guys think cheated?
*everyone looks at Jeff*
Jeff: Flattering. But if I’m gonna cheat, I’m not gonna write information from a book on a piece of paper. That’s practically learning for God’s sake. Whoever made that crib sheet wasn’t a real cheater, just insecure and naive.
Annie: I may be naive, *looks at Troy* but I’m not stupid.
Troy: Well, I may be stupid, *looks at Pierce* but I’m not trying to look like I’m not.
Pierce: Well, I may be a genius, *looks at Britta* but I’m not a lesbian.
Senor Chang: So this is the last chance For the cheater to be an adult and face la musica, or everyone fails.
Senor Chang: You got ten seconds, starting now.
Annie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I’ve never gotten a zero before.
Britta: I did it.
Senor Chang: Well, you really took your sweet time with that one, baby.
Britta: How dare you terrorize a class by threatening their grades? It’s not that easy to get human beings to turn on each other.
Senor Chang: Turn on her!
Britta *everyone’s throwing stuff at her and booing*:Ow! Real mature!
Senor Chang: That’s right. We are mature! Too mature to sit in a class With a cheating, lying poop-face! Okay, time to learn some formal greetings.
Jeff: So, wow.
Britta: Yeah, i bet you’re enjoying this.
Jeff: Yeah, well. When we first met, like you were up here and i was here, and now. Oh, wait, I gave a quarter to a dirty bum today.
Britta: What do you think they’re gonna do to me?
Dean Pelton: Well, we’re not gonna buy you an ice cream. Hi, Dean Pelton. Heh, quite an entrance I got to make there. You would be Britta Perry? I just spoke with Señor Chang, and I’m afraid Greendale takes this kinda thing Very seriously. *louder and looking around at other students* Much like a university would!
Britta: I’m not gonna sit while some hokey tribunal gets its jollies judging me.
Jeff: Hey, if you show up with me, follow my lead, and deny everything, you’ll walk. That’s the Winger guarantee.
Britta: I get it. You think you’re gonna save my bacon using your lawyer powers and send me into fits of grateful arousal.
Jeff: I can neither confirm nor deny that. See how good I am?
Duncan: Professor Ian Duncan.
Senor Chang: Professor Ben Chang.
Duncan: Uh, no, you’re a teacher, you’re not a professor.
Señor Chang: Well, maybe because I don’t look like Ron Weasley.
Duncan: That’s the difference, that’s the qualifying factor.
Dean Pelton: Well, it sounds like there are two biases, one on each side, and I go both ways. Oh, let’s strike that. Lashonda, can we please strike that? I am impartial, so it should all work out. Okay. let’s begin.
Duncan: the tribunal calls teacher Chang.
Senor Chang: Okay, just keep it up Frost/Nixon.
Duncan: I was planning on doing that. Cleared my whole day.
Senor Chang: And then she said screw you, or screw education or something like that. Then she stormed out of the room in her high-heel boots like it was tampon time. IF you know what I mean.
Jeff: Objection. I don’t know what he means.
Jeff: Miss Perry, did you make that crib sheet?
Senor Chang: She confessed!
Jeff: She confessed to protect her classmates, because you were threatening to flunk everyone!
Duncan: You did what?
Senor Chang: Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!
Duncan: Hey, British dentistry is not on trial.
Jeff: Dean Pelton, I move this case Be thrown out of The pool area!
Jeff: My client did not cheat.
Britta: Yes, i did.
Jeff: Yes, she did But why? That’s the real question, isn’t it? The world wasn’t the only thing that changed On September 11th.
Duncan: I’m sorry, do you mind if we have this conversation in a room less with balls? *to naked man in shower* You’re very confident I’ll say that.
Señor Chang: But you shouldn’t be.
Jeff: Gentlemen. My client is insane.
Jeff: Gentlemen, I’m sure you suspected That Ms. Perry was pretty odd before the recess. But if you could’ve heard all the stuff she just told me in the shower, you would realize she is all the way out of her entire damn mind. She doesn’t want to succeed, because she doesn’t think she can. So she goes out of her way to fail.
That’s crazy! But, do we really want to make it a crime to be crazy at Greendale? I mean, look at us. I mean, you two are arguing about status at a college that correspondence schools make fun of. Dean, you want so bad for this place to be ivy league that you are putting us at risk of electrocution. Because everyone on this campus is nuts. Leonard: Not me!
Jeff: Oh, come on Leonard. If you’re going to argue with me, put on a bathing suit
Leonard: Busted. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Troy: But this is insane, okay? Those are credible alien hand movements. You invented a whole language. I’m pretty sure you rented a green screen.
Troy: It would be less creepy if you were actually an alien.
Pierce: I’ve got it. *playing twinkle twinkle little star* Greendale, Greendale little star-Oh..I-I can’t. Reject. I’m a fraud Annie, I’m no more of a song writer than you or Billy Joel.
Annie: But, what about the Hawthorne Wipes jingle?
Pierce: Oh, yeah, yeah. sure, the haw–you want to hear it? Here. *playing she’ll be coming around the mountain* You’ll be wiping off that ketchup with our wipes, Hawthorne Wipes! You’ll be wiping off that mustard with our wipes at the picnic!
Annie: That’s she’ll be coming around the mountain.
Pierce: I know! I steal everything. You backed the wrong horse, I got nothing.
Annie: Pierce, you’re musical. You’re creative. You can do this, I believe in you.
Pierce: Well, you shouldn’t. I quit.
Annie: You listen up, Pierce! I’m gonna tell you what my mother told me when I wanted to quit cheerleading. “You’re not very pretty, you have no boobs, and you can’t do a basket toss to save your life. But you made a commitment.” So pick up your pompoms, Pierce, stuff your bra, and get ready for the team bus to forget you at a Taco Bell, because life is tough. But we soldier on, and that’s just the way it goes. I’m gonna play myself out.
Pierce: “The way it goes.” That’s it.
Pierce: This song goes out to Annie, for believing in me.
Standing in the bookstore line, waiting for the bell to chime, so you can go to class.
Dancing in your underwear, taking air conditioner repair, so you can get a job.
Greendale’s the way it goes, some things are still the same
Slop pails and panty hose, oh Annie believes in me