Rick and Morty Quotes

Goldenfold: All right, who can tell me What 5 x 9 is?
*students whispering* Morty?
Morty: Uh, me?
Goldenfold: What is 5 x 9?
Morty: Umm you know, it’s uhh at least 40.
*students gasp*
Goldenfold: Morty, that’s exactly correct! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Morty! Everybody, this is the best student.

Jerry: Guess who just sold the apples campaign.
Beth: Who just sold the Apples campaign?
Jerry: Me! I guess it wasn’t a rip-off of “got milk?” after all. Guess someone was wrong.
Beth: Yes.
Jerry: Well, all is forgiven, Because right now, I’ve got an erection the size of an east coast lighthouse, and I’m coming home to share it with my Beautiful wife.
Beth: Okay.
Jerry: Wait really?
Beth: Yes.
Jerry: Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

Rick: W-what about that, Morty?
Morty: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Rick: Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven’t seen that somewhere in real life before?
Morty: No, no. I haven’t seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart Want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what i mean?
Rick: you’re missing the Point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No.

Rick: Morty, u-uh, come on. There’s a family emergency.
Goldenfold: Stop right there! If he leaves, I’m giving him an “f.”
Rick: He doesn’t care.

Prince Nebulon: Oh, a-and by the way, I don’t have discolored butthole-flaps. That was part of the simulation.
Cynthia: Oh. Uh, sir, should i cancel that appointment, then?
Prince Nebulon: Yeah! Of course you should! *chuckles* No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can.

Summer: Drummer drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum drum Christmas drums.
Leonard: Oh, sing it, Summer.
Summer: Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y!

Dr. Bloom: Would you like to ride the bone train, miss?

Rick: Morty, can you get to the left nipple?
Morty: Are you kidding? I’m hoping I can get to both of ’em, Rick.

Leonard: Your mother and I have shared body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door, it’s an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment.
Jerry: Dad, please. What are you saying?
Beth: Whatever it is, it’s beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.
Jerry: Hey, speak for yourself, because it *laughs nervously* sounds like you’re about to say Jacob is your lover.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother’s lover. *chuckles* I watch them sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. *smooches*
Jacob: Oh. Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It’s incredible. *chuckles*
Summer: Happy human holiday, Dad.

News Anchor: We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tom?
Tom: Well, the eyes aren’t twinkling and the dimples aren’t merry, but I’m standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry.
News Anchor: Thank you, Tom.

Scary Terry: Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

Morty: Hey, yo, scary T, don’t even trip about your pants dawg. Here’s a pair on us, fool.
Scary Terry: Aww, bitch.

Rick: Allahu *burps* Akbar! We’re gonna take control of this plane! We’re gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!
Goldenfold: The name’s not buddy. It’s Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you!
Rick: Take cover, Morty! Goldenfold’s got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. I didn’t take him for an active dreamer.

Morty: Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he’s created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out of the air while he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava!
Rick: Pretty concise, Morty.

Snuffles: Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?
Summer: Oh, wow. That’s an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.
Snuffles: Do not call me that! “Snuffles” was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.
Summer: Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You’re scaring me.
Snowball: Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

Principal Vagina: Principal Vagina here don’t let the name fool you. I’m very much in charge. Reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance. I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but if you have the flu, stay home. The flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration.You don’t bring dead babies to passover.

Girl 1: I had sex with Billy.
Girl 2: But you were already pregnant!
Girl 1: Yeah, so what’s the worst that could happen?
News Anchor: We interrupt “Pregnant Baby” with breaking news.