Jeff: So, cellular mitosis is what?
Britta: I miss Troy.
Jeff: Wrong, and stop guessing that.
Britta: Give me some credit, Winger. What’s the worst that could happen?
Leonard: Classic tee-up.
Britta: Shut up Leonard, I know about your crooked wang.
Leonard: No such thing as bad press.
Jeff: Let Pierce cool down, you know how crazy and paranoid he can get.
Pierce: Aha! Crazy? Paranoid? Impotent?
Shirley: I wonder who Pierce is gonna get to represent him.
Jeff: I promise, whoever Pierce brings won’t be prepared for me. That’s the Winger guaran–
Shirley: Is that the cold-blooded former colleague that got you fired from your old law firm by ratting on you to the state bar?
Britta: And you come from…?
Abed: The darkest timeline. You might call it the Britta of timelines, where everything is the worst. Jeff has one arm there, Annie shot Pierce, Troy can’t speak.1
Britta: Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. I think Lame Abed sent you talk because you’re more equipped to deal with fear.
Abed: That’s the lame way of seeing it, yes. Here’s the truth. I’ve crossed into your dark timeline and now I’m going to darken it.
Abed: Tell me about your parents, Britta.
Abed: You’re average, Britta Perry. You’re every kid on the playground that didn’t get picked on. You’re a business-casual potted plant, a human white sale. You’re VH1, RoboCop 2, and Back to the Future III. You’re the center slice of a square cheese pizza. Actually, that sounds delicious. I’m the center slice of a square cheese pizza, you’re Jim Belushi.
Troy: I am the truest repairman!
Dennis: Well, boys and girls, I hope you brought your popsicles. Because it’s about to get scalding hot in the sun chamber. You already know the rules, because there aren’t any!
Russo: Jeez, Dennis, are you on coke? Take that crap off and sit down.
Britta: I’m thinking of dying my hair.
Jeff: Your Honor, I have no closing statement because I’m throwing the case. No, no, it’s okay. It’s fine, don’t worry. My client Shirley Bennett, my friend of three years, she told me that it was okay. She said what I want was more important. She’s right, right? I mean, guys like me, we’ll tell you there’s no right or wrong. There’s no real truth.
Jeff: And as long as we all believe that, guys like me can never lose.
Jeff: Because the truth is, I’m lying when I say there is no truth. The truth is, the pathetically, stupidly, inconveniently obvious truth is, helping only ourselves is bad and helping each other is good. Now, I just wanted to get out of here, pass biology, and be a lawyer again instead of helping Shirley. That was bad. And my former colleague wanted so badly to keep his rich client, that he just asked me to roll over in exchange for my old job. So I guess we all walked in here pretty bad. But now…Shirley’s gone good, Shirley’s helping me. It’s that easy. You just stop thinking about what’s good for you, and start thinking about what’s good for someone else. And you can change the whole game with one move. Now, if you like this idea, you can make it true by doing something good for everyone here. Throw this case out of court, it’s dumb. That is all.
Murray *during Jeff’s speech: I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you just like I killed him! Was that out loud?
Pierce: I withdraw my case! Why didn’t you just do some inspirational speech about friendship, you’re fired.
Priest: Gentlemen, take this man to the infinite labyrinth of eternal ice.
Troy: No. No. Take him to the police, he murdered someone. Take him to jail. You guys are weird.
Abed: You’re the only kind of shrink I could ever trust, the kind with as little control over my mind as me.
Troy: Can I cut in?
Abed: You’re back.
Troy: Yeah, made a new rule that the air conditioning repair school has to act like a regular school. I can do that because I’m their messiah.