Narrator: In 2012, Greendale Community College was the site of the largest and longest pillow fight in community college history. It shaped and scarred the landscape of their campus, and forever changed the lives of those involved.
Narrator: A high school dropout and amateur photographer whose borrowed camera would capture some of the war’s blurriest, most poorly framed moments.
Narrator: The dried up heir to a moist towelette empire who would prove to be, the dried up heir to a moist towelette empire.
Narrator: He would later say of the war: “It was awesome, but also, it wasn’t”
Troy: It’s not a request. I’m giving you an “all tomato.” Meaning that you give me the whole tomato, or else.
Neil: This is Real Neil with pipes of steel, singing off with the smooth sounds of “Daybreak.”
Abed VO: Blanketsburg has drawn first blood, Pillowtown will draw First Blood, Park II.
Narrator: Outside the science lab, at the Battle of Big Bulletin Board. Pierce Hawthorne suffers broken glasses, a hurt finger, and erectile dysfunction. Which in his words, had never happened ever before that battle.
Narrator: Winger’s critics suggest he merely improvised hot-button patriotic dogma, in a Ferris Buellerian attempt to delay schoolwork. Winger decries as quote: “A slanderous betrayal akin to 9/11,” unquote. Later, after the war. He would refer to the theory as essentially accurate.
Narrator: Chang has recruited an army of preteen security interns while moonlighting at a local bar mitzvah. They were later nicknamed The Changlorious Bastards, like Inglorious Bastards, but with Chang instead of “In.” I don’t get it either.
Abed VO: The war won’t stop with First Blood, Part II. It will escalate to Rambo III. Which should really be called Rambo II: First Blood, Part III. But the Rambo titles never made sense. And neither does war. Abed Nadir, Facebook status update.
Leonard VO: Leonard likes this post.
Narrator: Troy’s forces intercept an email written by Abed to his commanders, outlining Troy’s weaknesses.
Abed VO: Troy will hold on until he is broken emotionally, fortunately, this will not be hard. He gets distracted by loud noises, the color red, smooth jazz, shiny things, food smells, music boxes, bell-bottoms, boobs, barking dogs, and anyone saying “Look, over there!” He’s insecure about his level of intelligence. His greatest vulnerability of all is his emotional frailty. It’s incredibly easy to make him cry, and he’s incredibly ashamed of that fact.
Narrator: Unfortunately, the only photographer there to capture the scene is Britta Perry. Yeah, gee. There’s a good one.
Narrator: Pictured here lying down, Troy does not take Abed’s email lying down.
Narrator: The North Cafeteria, named after Admiral William North, is located in the western portion of East Hall, gateway to the western half of North Hall. Which is named not after William North, but for its position above the south wall. It is the most contested and confusing battlefield on Greendale’s campus. Next to the English Memorial Spanish Center, named after English Memorial, a Portuguese sailor that discovered Greendale while looking for a fountain that cured syphilis.
Narrator: Britta Perry is there to immortalize the moment on film, accidentally, while trying to get a picture of the light hitting a stack of nearby waffles.
Jeff: Guys, I wasn’t gonna show this to anyone, but, uh, it’s pretty profound. I kind of nailed it. If you want I can read it in the documentary. That is, unless you get Tom Hanks.
Narrator: We tried to get Tom Hanks, but he’s too expensive. So we used the people involved for their own voiceover.
Jeff VO: Yeah, and I nailed that too.
Narrator: Why are you here at the same time as me?
Jeff VO: Tight schedule. Hey, were you in The Cape?
Troy: Wow. I’ve got goosebumps.
Abed: Me too. Such a great story, I was on the edge of my seat and I was in it.
Troy: You wanna know what struck me while I was watching that marvelous documentary? You can’t get quality programming like that anywhere else but right here on Greendale Campus Television.
Abed: Was thinking that same thing.
Troy: You can’t get Troy and Abed: Pillows and Blankets.
Abed: Or any of these other great specials, like Craig Pelton: A Year In Paris
Troy: From Labs to Riches: The Annie’s Boobs Story. Or, That’s Enter-Chang-ment. Folks, we know you hate these constant pledge drives.
Abed: We know you hate ’em, we don’t love doin’ ’em.
Troy: We don’t like doing them either, I’d rather be at home right now. Taking a warm bath, with my wife.
Abed: Oh brother, not this one again.
Troy: Heh heh, but if you want to help us out, if you wanna help Greendale Campus Television stay on the air, keep the lights on, we are literally this close to losing our fund-
*power goes out*